Yenta Fashion Footwear Rant

When my mother first whispered to me that only courvas let their brastraps show, I didn’t judge the sudden legions of women with elastic bands playing peek-a-boo (even though personally, I wouldn’t leave the house in a tank top without my trusty racerback.)

I’ve learned to accept “bitch” as a term of endearmeant between straight men who aren’t in prison.

But there is one trend that I will never, ever, EVER get behind, and that is the acceptance of flip-flops as footwear for all occasions.

I work in the financial district in San Francisco, and y’know, I make an effort every day to look like … well, like I’m going to work. Not tubing down the Yuba River for Senior Ditch Day. Not on my way to a pedicure. Not avoiding touching the floor of the group shower stalls at summer camp where the scum was so thick that the soap was lost forever if you dropped it.

Some have argued with me that it’s a carefree look, evoking a “I’m going to the beach right after this meeting” kind of capriciousness. “And they’re so comfortable!” whined a friend of mine uneducated in the ways of refinement.

If my momma taught me anything, it’s that thin rubber slabs on the feet equals low � oh wait, sorry � NO class.

Even the Manolo agrees, and he’s the most superfantastic of all shoe experts.

They’re not even really shoes, for heaven’s sake � can you run in them? Do they provide any sort of arch support? Can you prevent yourself from faceplanting if someone accidently steps on the back? Will they protect your soles from searing pavement? They melt, people � I grew up in Arizona and I’ve seen it happen.

But really, my objection is aesthetic. This morning there was a young(er than me) woman in the elevator wearing a smart mini blazer over a darling flowery frock � and carrying a Coach purse, mind you � with Old Navy thongs on her feet. I’m not saying the bag absolutely match the shoes, but if she worked for me, she’d be fired. But she got out on the second floor, so she’s probably a lawyer. (A lazy one, too; she couldn’t make it up one flight of stairs in her “comfy” shoes?)

Oh, and the ones all dolled-up with glued-on sequins with a rubber heel, like something Zsa Zsa Gabor would wear to your grandpa’s pool party? F*in hideous, do you hear me? Continue reading

British Women Think David Schwimmer Is One Sexy Jew

schwimmer…which elicited a sonorous “Ewwww!” from all the single women in the j. newsroom.

Rachel F. was particularly upset: “I don’t care how nice he is! He’s just not cute.”

He’s never done much for me, either — he always seems so needy, like the kind of guy who asks if his hair looks okay twenty times before he can go get a cup of coffee and who has more shoes than you — but compared to the rest of the guys on the list of Jewish celebs that British Jews would most like to date (with the exception of Sacha Baron Cohen), he’s a sexpot. Woody Allen?? Paul Kaye?? Yo, ladies across the pond, what are you putting in your tea?

At least the men voted for some hotties, including Rachel Stevens and Caprice Bourret. And it’s fabulous that Jewish mothers Gwyneth Paltrow and Rachel Weisz are objects of British male affection, but really fellows, they are married.

Melts In Your Mouth And Sets The Curtains On Fire

m&m menorah

For those of you with penchant for candy-coated Judaica, the M&M menorah is being recalled by Masterfoods USA.

Reportedly, if a candle burns all the way down, as Chanukah candles are wont to do, the plastic menorah “could ignite and present a fire hazard.”

‘Course, if you’re in the UK come Chanukah time, light ‘er up and see if Michelle Kent shows up with her hose.

Match flick Hat tip to Canonist, who justifiably questions the sinister expression on the green one.

So That Makes Mother’s Day, Like, Christmas Or Something

britneyI know I promised to quit Britney blogging, but what Jewish mother could pass this up?

Ms. My-Kid-Don’t-Need-No-Stinkin’-Carseat Spears has officially distanced herself from quasi-Judaism with an announcement on her bubbles and fairies
Web site

“I no longer study kabbalah, my baby is my religion.”

So, would representatives from Child Protective Services be the rabbis of that religion? Does this mean she’s going to start dressing Sean Preston up in little papal hats, mini saffron robes and tiny tefillin to represent her many spiritual permutations? Does she understand that ditching Madonna’s religion is no excuse for her fast-track transformation to Stevie Nicks clone?

And befitting her new Stevie look, if she squeezes out a female baby this time, will her new religion include goddess worship?

By Zohar, it just don’t matter anymore, does it? On to bigger and better Jewish-wannabes: Perez Hilton announces — with photo — that a hot (as in Chili Pepper) rocker is sporting the red string.

Check, Shmeck

fiddler chess setThere is simply no end to the fabulous Jewish shwag available online — check (or checkmate, if you will) this incredible chess set based on the characters of “Fiddler on the Roof.” Seriously, have you ever seen anything more darling?

For $289, it’s a real bargain, and I’ll be introducing my chess prodigy son to his first “Fiddler” experience next weekend at the Mountain Play atop Mt. Tamalpais, so this is a real temptation. But I’ll have to pass. I finally got rid of a bunch tsotchkes and chozzerai at moving sale last Saturday and I just don’t need anymore shtuff.

Incidentally, I put out some old haggadahs and Jewish children’s books and guess who bought them? My neighbor wearing the “Free Palestine” shirt.

Surf Music for Yids

msbIt may seem hard to imagine Gidget twisting to a twangy version of “Zum Gali Gali,” but someone’s finally gotten a hold of surf music and made it Jewish.

Meshugga Beach Party: Twenty Songs of the Chosen Surfers is the product of Mel Waldorf, a New-York born-and-bred Jew whose lack of access to surf babes and waves hasn’t stopped him from building a career on the sounds of sunny California. In fact, he’s something of a legend; he’s a longtime vet of the San Francisco surf music scene with his band the Mel-Tones as well as a composer of snazzy jams for “SpongeBob Squarepants” and “The Real World.” In fact, you can just go ahead and call him the “the Jewish Dick Dale.”

“Meshugga Beach Party” is a pretty crazy ride; all songs are traditional Hebrew school familiars strummed out in beach music’s signature laid-back style. Even serious prayers like “Avinu Malkeinu” are transformed into boogaloo-worthy tunes; you can imagine that “Hava Negilah” might inspire a bonfire right in your livingroom. Listen here.

Yes, it’s a bit concept-driven, but if you dig the genre, it’s a must-have — even if you’re not coastal. All I have to say is I know what El Yenta Man’s getting for Father’s Day.

Fire Up the BBQ?

water buffaloIsrael’s Chief Rabbinate has deemed water buffalo kosher.

I’m sure the carnivores are salivating, but I’m not sure it’s a cause for celebration. Do the Jewish people really want to be responsible for mass exploitation of another red-meat species? Not to be macabre, but as author Jonathan Safran Foer painfully explains, kosher doesn’t exactly mean humane. (Warning: Humane Kosher is a very explicit site and not for the weak-stomached.)

I’m no vegan, and in no danger of becoming one, but I do my best to be conscious of where my meat comes from. If it’s not organic and/or grass-fed, I’ll usually pass. I try not to preach or judge, either — when you’re hungry, you eat. Not everyone can survive on tofu — animal protein is necessity for most of us. But seriously, if you had to kill the animal yourself, would you eat as much meat?

Such is “The Omnivore’s Dilemma,” a human conundrum and a new book by Michael Pollan.

That said, and because I enjoy my ethical paradoxes, here’s my recipe for Buffalo Chili: Continue reading

A Lover AND A Fighter?

roryA reader who should get out more who follows the violent sport of competitive martial arts has tipped me off to Rory Singer, a participant on the bloody SpikeTV reality show “The Ultimate Fighter.”

Rory is a nice J-Boy from Jersey currently in nursing school at the University of Georgia. His future patients better pray that he’s gentler when changing the bedpans and taking pulses then he is in the ring: Last week he knocked out his opponent with a roundhouse kick and several blows to head, advancing his status in the competition. He’s also doing his part as Jewish ambassador, exposing martial arts fans to terms like “tushie.” (Check out photos of Rory’s knees and elbows in action.)

I’m not going to become a sudden fan of men beating the crap out of each other for sport, but since I was born in Jersey, am moving to Georgia and support Jewish athletes whether they win or not, he’s now the official Yenta candidate for favorite TUF guy.

I’m rootin’ for ya, Rory! I just won’t actually be watching.