Tsotchke of the Week: Blessing On Chain

keychainQuick! What’s the blessing for the washing of the hands? Didja get stuck right after “Baruch ata adonai…?” Then you need the “Say-A-Blessing” Keychain, a tiny gadget equipped with the Top Ten Jewish prayers. Too tired for the Sh’ma and Modeh Ani? Just press a button when you lie down and another when you rise up! You might set off the Hamotzi when you’re turning off your car alarm, but at $14.95, it’s a heckuva lot cheaper than Hebrew school.

Available at Chosencouture.com.

We Forgive You, Halle

Preggy, leggy Halle Berry went on The Tonight Show last week to promote her new movie, but apparently she ran out of things her publicist told her she should talk about, so she started showing Jay Leno a bunch of nerdy pictures made with that program that distorts photos like a funhouse mirror (Stars waste time at their computers, just like us!)

When she got to the one where her nose looked like something that grows in your yard after a long rain, she said “And here’s where I look like my Jewish cousin!” Immediately stricken with the fear that the cabal of Jews in charge of the media empire that dictates the movie industry might be offended, she squealed “O my god, have I just, like, ruined my career?” She’s been doing damage control ever since.

“What happened was, I was backstage before the show, and I have three girls who are Jewish who work for me. We were going through pictures to see which ones looked silly, and one of my Jewish friends said [of the big-nose picture], ‘That could be your Jewish cousin!’ And I guess it was fresh in my mind, and it just came out of my mouth. But I didn’t mean to offend anybody. I didn’t. I didn’t mean any harm.”

Of course you didn’t, Halle honey. Just send a nice fat fruit basket and we’ll call it a day.

What, No Local Color?

Hey y’all – it’s going to be a slow week here; I’m on deadline again (funny how it happens every month!) and have fingers in a bajillion side projects. And it’s soccer season, so two kids + supportive screaming mother on sidelines divided by Coach Yenta Man = exhaustion x 2 parents – the square root of a bottle of pinot grigio.

But in the meantime, fellow blogger Schvach alerted me to this nice J-travel article about Savannah in the New York Jewish Week. It’s a flattering but bland depiction of our drama-steeped community; it doesn’t seem like the author actually paid a visit. But it does give mention of Sunday’s upcoming noshfest, the Shalom Y’all Jewish Food Festival , which is reason for every one of you out-of-towners to book a room at the Mansion for the weekend…

Wanna Make An Easy Grand This Weekend?

bagelbeeotchIt’s not exactly divine retribution for Ann Coulter’s nauseating anti-Semitic remarks, but sometimes Jews have to take matters into their own hands.

The mischevious minds at Bragster.com have put up $1000 for anyone who’s caught on video pelting Ann Coulter with bagels.

Obviously, be gentle and do not hurt her. This is simply a little bit of fun…

Let’s hope your aim is better more precise than than those Al Pieda jokers, though!

And please, use moldy ones. I’m loathe to see perfectly good bagels go to waste.

Madonna, the Yenta Ouijazilla

maddonaThe title of Mack Hall’s essay in the Orange County News was the best thing in my inbox this morning (after the email from my mother telling me what a great kid I am). For the most part, I find the whole “isn’t celebrity kabbalah whack?” theme to be very 2004, but Madonnaesther’s recent declaration that she is an ambassador for Judaism has stirred up the pundit pot once again.

Hall starts out with the usual red string bashing (yawn), but saves himself by asking the important question:

Why is it that the rich and famous seem genetically unable to sit modestly and humbly in a pew, donate to the soup kitchen, help serve coffee after divine services, and just shut up?

The rest of the essay, particularly the last paragraph, is worth five minutes of your time – read it here.

Are Y’all Feelin’ The Hallelu Love?

craigHoly moly, Hallelu Atlanta is only two and a half weeks away?! (Check the superfab new trailer here.)

I feel like I should be like, doing something to prepare for live blogging in front of 3500 cool Jews at the world-renowned Fox Theater with the greatest names in Jewish music, but Boss “Silver Fox” Taubman says he wants it to be spontaneous. Call me neurotic (go ahead, El Yenta Man does all the time) but couldn’t spontaneity look very much like idiocy, especially when I’m standing next to the totally stylish, composed, not to mention brilliant Neshama Carlebach?

I feel like I’m stuck in that dream everyone has at least once where you show up to a big event and you’re buck naked. Feh, no one’s coming to see me anyway. But still, maybe I’ll start picking out my outfit now so I don’t end up with a bare tushy in front of all y’all…think I’ll start with the new Fluevogs I bought myself for my 36th (double chai!) birthday last week.

Dream Drive

Okay, Eyal’s story is kind of a downer. Suicide bombers suck, yo. But here’s the silver lining: With the help of the amazing non-profit OneFamilyFund in tandem with Dave Goldfarb and the rest of the folks at Xtreme Indoor Karting in Miami, the blind 24 year-old got to fulfill his dream of getting behind the wheel of a lightning fast go-cart last week.

Now that’s a YouTube I want to see.

A Little More Grace

shabbatcandlesThe Yenta’s in a real tizzy today, dealing with editorial details, procuring eyeglasses for Yenta boy (he already thinks he’s Woody Allen, now he’ll look like him) and cleaning our filthy bayit for Shabbat, but I just couldn’t let icky ol’ Ann’s face stay in the top tier all weekend.

Instead, please enjoy the lovely work of spiritual Judaic artist SuSan Esther Koenigsberg.

Good Shabbos, friends!

Ann Coulter Is A Vomitrocious Whore

anncoulterY’all know I don’t like the lashon hora, but I’ve just had enough of this crazy blond trannie.

While appearing on CNBC’s The Big Idea with Donnie Deutsch, Ann invited nice Jewish boy Donnie to church with her, then suggested that “Jews need to be perfected” by converting to Christianity. Read the entire transcript here.

Whatever. See ya in the seventh circle of hell, beeotch.

J-Girls Gone Baaaaad-A**

Y’all have got to meet Miriam and Shoshana, the dopest frum maydeles ev-ah. Just ’cause they’re shomer negiah don’t mean they don’t get down, yo!

Highlights that may their parents sitting shivah: “Onion bagels are like crack,” “Sippin’ the ”Chewitz before class,” “Oh shit, sundown!” And what up with the Jesus cameo?

Hat tip to Bridgitte of Yideoz.com, who rightly (and righteously) figured I’d love this!

Update: Hmm, the screen looks wonky…click here to watch!