Silence: At the Movies? Yes. As A Child Exits The Womb? Notsomuch.

poshRick Ross of wrote this week that Scientology has been plying Victoria Beckham with free books and friends in high places, but the soccer wife formerly known as Posh Spice remains devoted to Kabbalah (Exhibit A: She’s still wearing her red string, in spite of its liability as a “so over” accessory.)

I think I may know why Miz Beckham remains on the Jewishy side of CultTown: She’s birthed two children and must’ve gotten to the part in Dianetics about this silent birthing nonsense. (According to L. Ron Hubbard, yelling and writhing while something scrapes its nose along the bones of your pelvis causes psychic damage to a baby.) And I’m guessing Posh, who has already endured plastic surgery and god-knows-what-kind-fad-dieting in the name of motherhood, considered what would happen if her superfine husband knocked her up again, took a sip of her apple martini and said “Um, yes, well, f*ck that sh*t.”

Silent birth, my tushie. And speaking of Kabbalistic ass, have you seen the Britney birthing-on-a-tiger-rug sculpture?

“Jew For A Day” Experiment Upsets Junior High

armbandSome parents at Apopka Memorial Middle School in Florida are upset with the way the school chose to educate its students about the Holocaust: Those with last names beginning with L-Z had to wear armbands with stars on them for a full day.

Those with stars upon thar’s weren’t allowed to sit down in class, were forced to use only certain drinking fountains and endure other forms of “persecution” so that they would understand what it was like to be a “Jew for a day.” Parents weren’t informed of the exercise and complained to the local news.

“He was crying,” said one parent of his son. “I said, ‘What are you crying about?’ He said, ‘Daddy, I was a Jew today.'”

Full story.
Hat tip to Jewschool.

Humph. I can’t decide if I would applaud my kids’ school for organizing something like this, then springing it on everyone so as to retain maximum emotional reaction, or be totally pissed that the teachers and administrators would attempt to “educate” my child in such an emotionally manipulative fashion.

After thinking about it for five minutes, I’ve decided on the latter. Yes, Holocaust education is extremely important. But if children — both Jewish and non-Jewish — are scarred by this little activity and become resentful and distrustful of their educators, how does that help?

Only One and A Half Jews Voted “Most Foolish Americans”

paula abdulJews are blissfully underrepresented in a list of America’s celebrity idiots, according to a random telephone survey conducted for April Fool’s Day (that’s tomorrow … har har, just kidding. Watch out for whoopee cushions; I’m geeky like that.)

No. 1, for the fourth year running, is everyone’s favorite anti-Semite/child buggerer Michael Jackson. Dick “Sure Shot” Cheney comes in at No. 2, while his “boss” W. shares the No. 3 stop with the world’s most recognizable skank, Paris Hilton.

Disgraced lobbyist/occasional frumster Jack Abramoff escaped the top ten of America’s Most Foolish Inviduals, but Paula Abdul, who’s half Jewish, came in at No. 8. Statistically speaking, that’s less that the general population. (But things even out if we count Madonna, No 10, so let’s not for the purpose of this post.)

But the joke’s really on the people who voted — Kate Moss is No. 12 on the list and she’s not even American.

Let The Passover Parody Season Commence!

village peopleNot that anything can ever top last year’s “Who Let The Jews Out,” but someone has to carry the torch of silly Flash movies created solely for the enjoyment of under-employed Jews.

Thanks to this Village People spin-off, matzah has never been so … um, macho. Or gay. Take your pick.

And here’s a hip hop version of Dayenu, all fresh and looped out from the people bringing us “When Do We Eat?,” the “not your typical stoner-son-slips-Dad-a-dose-of-ecstasy-at-Passover-dinner family comedy,” in theaters April 7.

Todah raba to the BangitoutBlog and Jewlicious.

Warhol: The Origin of Jewish Hipsterism?

warhol albertSomethingJewishUK reports that Andy Warhol’s “Jewish Geniuses” exhibit is on display at London’s National Portrait Gallery. Along with our pal Al here, the show includes paintings of Golda Meir, George Gershwin and the Marx Brothers.

The exhibit had its first showing in October of 1980 at the Jewish Museum of New York and was met with hostility by some critics: The New York Times wrote that it was “vulgar, it reeks of commercialism, and its contribution to art is nil.”

Perhaps — I’m no art critic and not particularly a Warhol fan. But maybe ol’ Andy was miles ahead (as he was wont to be) by delineating the specific notion of Jewish celebrity, thereby paving the way for the recent explosion of “ain’t it cool to be a Jew” media that’s giving more Jews than ever their 15 minutes. Just a thought.

Rabbi Orders Maiming of Toys to Avoid “I-Doll-A-Try”

broken barbieFrom

In a tough break for the children of Orthodox Jewish families, a former grand rabbi of Israel has urged parents to amputate their dolls to avoid the perils of idolatry.

Basing the move on a Biblical ban on the possession of idols, Mordechai Eliyahu, a Sephardic rabbi, broadcast his edict on a religious radio station calling for an arm or a leg to be dismembered. In the case of a teddy bear or other stuffed animals, the children will see their beloved toys lose an ear or an eye instead.

“It is very important that these toys do not remain intact so as to remove the element of idolatry,” said Eliyahu.

Very cruel, rabbi. But this may be the excuse I’ve been seeking to succumb to my urges to pop each and every limb off the Barbie dolls strewn across the floor of my children’s room. Or maybe stab the Cabbage Patch Doll in the eye with a fork in the name of God.

Now that I’m really thinking here, I could void my home of hundreds of blank-stared Beanie Babies by putting them in a giant pillowcase and drowing them in the bathtub.

“No more stuffed animal worship!” I would scream to my sobbing children in my best Joan Crawford voice. “Go run with scissors!”

*Sigh.* I don’t actually have the heart to seize this opportunity. I still have a stuffed bunny given to me by my shaygetz high school boyfriend — though it’s missing an arm and has a cigarette burn near its crotch, which the rabbi might approve of. I’m not even punk rock enough to post a photo of a really maimed doll; the Google results were just too scary.