Chozzerai of the Week: Jewish Jewels

shabbat earringsOMG, how cute are these? Shabbat earrings — could you die over the little candlesticks? I’m more into the tribal bone look myself, but I seriously love these from Yontifications.com, a line of Holy Day-inspired jewelry designed by Judaica superstar Susan Fischer Weis.

Really, you need to check out the whole year — the adorable little shofar for Rosh Hashanah had me squealing like someone put baby bunnies in my sock drawer. And Sukkot’s baby lulav and etrog — lady, you’re killing me! The mini-matzohs and teeny hamantashen are so freakin’ precious I want to become a Hebrew school teacher so I could have an appreciative audience for them! (Oh, crap, now I’m bound to get a call from the synagogue tomorrow.)

And just when I thought this accessory orgy was over, I find out they have matching necklaces!

War Sucks, But Chocolate Helps

chocoWant to do a little mitzvah for an Israeli soldier?

In just one free click, you can send a virtual “hug” and some sweet solace to an IDF soldier on the front lines, courtesy of HAS Advantage and Strauss Elite.

While a piece of candy isn’t going to diffuse rocket fire or make the Hezamaniacs start acting human, but it can take the edge of jangling nerves.

Do it, because what else can you do?

Jewsflash: Mel Gibson A Drunk AND An Anti-Semite

melgibsonOh man, has this guy dug himself a deep one: The news site TMZ reported yesterday that when Gibson was arrested Friday for suspicion of drunk-driving in Malibu, he went on trash-talking, anti-Semitic tirade. And the L.A. Sheriff’s Department tried to suppress it.

After arresting Gibson Friday morning, Deputy James Mee audiotaped his unpleasant exhange with the actor/director/Christ biographer and filed an eight-page report detailing Gibson’s unbelievably nasty spew — and was then told by his supervisors to rewrite it, leaving out anything that might inspire “Jewish hatred” and damage his career. (Read parts of the original report here.)

Some choice quotes: “F*****g Jews … The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world.” Gibson then asked the deputy, “Are you a Jew?” (He also called a female officer “sugar tits,” exposing Gibson’s chauvinist pig colors as well.) One can only wonder which of Hollywood’s Jews pissed off him so badly. Perhaps the Weinsteins denied him studio money to produce a Hezbollah biopic?

Gibson has issued the standard lameass celebrity apology for bad behavior (“I did a number of things that were very wrong and for which I am ashamed” yadayadayada), but add this to the “Passion”‘s bloody blaming-the-Jews-for-killing-Jesus crapola and his father’s Holocaust-denying and the guy has just scaled back his career to making anti-birth control films for the Catholic Church.

Naturally, my main man Abe Foxman, president of the Anti-Defamation League, is already on it: In a press release this morning, Foxman called Gibson’s apology “unremorseful and insufficient” and that it’s not a “proper apology because it does not go to the essence of his bigotry and his anti-Semitism … We would hope that Hollywood now would realize the bigot in their midst and that they will distance themselves from this anti-Semite.”

Speaking of Semitic Hollywood, anyone else catch Ari Gold trying to play the Jew card when backed into a corner on last night’s episode of Entourage? Brilliant.

Slanted Journalism Got You Down?

(Thanks to Laura Harris for sending this in, though I took the liberty of spiffing it up, using my previous experience as jokes editor at a prominent Jewish newspaper…)

vicious dogA young man is walking the streets of Paris. Suddenly he sees a rottweiler attacking a young girl. He jumps on the dog, struggles with it and strangles it to death. Both he and the girl escape with minor scratches.

Immediately, a gaggle of excited CNN reporters surround him and wave their notebooks. “What is your name? What a story! All of Paris will hear of you, and the headlines will be ‘Parisian hero saves little girl from savage dog.’”

The man says, “But I am not Parisian.”

The journalists say “OK, fine, so all of France will hear of you and the headlines will be ‘French hero saves little girl from savage dog.’”

The man shifts uncomfortably in his shoes. “But I am not French.”

The journalists scribble furiously. “Sure, whatever, so all of Europe will hear of you and the headlines will read ‘European hero saves little girl from savage dog.”

The man stands up straight and declares proudly: “But I am not from Europe. I am from Israel.”

The journalists put their notebooks away. “OK, so the entire world will hear of you and the headlines will read ‘Israeli kills little girl’s dog.’”

Hurts So Good

smackSometime during my hiatus, Yo, Yenta! got two smacks at italk2much, the snarkiest of the snarky blog review sites. This is what Sassy Sadie had to say:

I’m assuming that’s her photo in the header graphic. She’s a cute girl. The template is relatively non-offensive. But four Jmerica adverts may be a bit over the top. And those archives in the sidebar really, really need a roll-up ‘cause damn, that’s some long-ass shit. It’s aesthetically pleasing at least…The entries are somewhat political/religious, but I guess that’s the purpose of the blog. It just isn’t my thing. I can appreciate her love for her heritage, but I don’t want to read about it on a blog. There are some interesting entries like the one about the Jewish astronauts in space, but the rest is rather dull unless you’re Jewish or really into it.

You’ll have to take a look at how badly they trash most other blogs to understand that for it2m, this is practically slobbering praise with a cherry on top.

Although I certainly find being called “non-offensive” highly offensive, at least I’m still “a cute girl” weeks away from my 35th birthday and this site is “aesthetically-pleasing” (thanks to the unflagging tech support of Pepe Pringos.) Considering “sucky,” “boring” and “shitty” are the preferred adjectives of it2m’s reviewers (with handles like Bitter Bitch and Princess Pottymouth) I’m awfully proud.

Howard Dean States the Obvious

howard deanFrom AP: US Democratic Party chairman Howard Dean called Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki an “anti-Semite” on Wednesday for failing to denounce Hizbullah for its attacks against Israel.

“The Iraqi prime minister is an anti-Semite,” the Democratic leader told a gathering of business leaders in Florida. “We don’t need to spend 200 and 300 and $500 billion bringing democracy to Iraq to turn it over to people who believe that Israel doesn’t have a right to defend itself and who refuse to condemn Hizbullah.”

Apparently, Dean was on a finger-pointing roll this week: While giving a speech to business owners in Florida, he likened senatorial candidate and nebulous 2000 presidential vote counter Katherine Harris to Joseph Stalin.

Et Tu, Andersen?

david and goliathAlthough Andersen Cooper remains the hottest of Middle East correspondents, the characterization of Hezbollah as David to Israel’s Goliath on tonight’s episode of 360• is inexcusable.

Whenever one wants to illustrate a story of an underdog triumphing over a giant power, there is the story of David and Goliath. Let’s see: David, a young Israeli boy armed with only a slingshot, topples a Philistine giant and goes on to become the Jewish people’s greatest king. Let’s compare that with Hezbollah, a band of nationless thugs with more rockets than a South Carolina fireworks wherehouse and a whorish relationship with two wealthy countries that love to bestow it with bombs, attacks Israel, the region’s only democracy, who does indeed have a mighty military but could hardly be characterized as a giant.

What kind of hookah does one — not to mention one’s producer — have to be smoking to hold up a bunch of terrorists to one of the biggest heroes of the Hebrew Bible? That this iconic story is from the Torah makes this already ridiculous comparison beyond insulting. I’m telling y’all — every day I’m a step closer to FOXnews.

I expect such sensational nonsense from the rest of CNN, but Andy, you’re breaking my heart. And while I appreciate your “down-in-the-trenches” trip, change your shirt already — that navy number with the shoulder tabs that you’ve been wearing all week is looking moldy.

Kinky’s Buddy Busted

rambamKinky Friedman may be enjoying major mainstream exposure as his bid for Texas governor appears to be less and less of a joke (anyone else kvelling over last week’s Newsweek profile?) but his compadre Steve Rombom is getting some bad press:

Rombom, a private investigator and Nazi hunter, has been arrested for impersonating an FBI agent in order to intimidate a witness.

Curiously enough, there’s a recurring character in Kinky’s fiction named Steve Rambam, who — follow me now — is a private investigator and Nazi hunter, and — in several novels — also meshuggah enough to impersonate, intimidate and be an intimate of the equally meshuggah Kinky Friedman. The real life Rombom denied all charges and was released on his own recognizance.

Speaking of Kinky’s other talents besides giving Texas gubenatorial incumbents a run for votes, I’ve become quite a fan of his books. bookSomewhere in Oklahoma, when El Yenta Man and I had listened to all our cds and had nothing left to say to each other, we picked up the audio version of Kinky’s Steppin’ On A Rainbow at a truckstop amongst the John Grisham and Janet Evanovich dreck (sorry Grisham and Evanovich fans, I’m just not that into literary fast food) and found it smarmy, unlikely and hilariously entertaining.

T-Shirt Of The Week: It’s 5 O’clock Somewhere

ginnjews From NoStarClothing, who may have forgotten that Jews don’t drink. Much.

However, I now live in the South, where social protocol dictates that people ask what you’d like to drink before asking what you do for a living, where you’re from, or who your daddy is. Your favorite cocktail reveals much about you; what are you made of?

More importantly, can anyone help me come up with a recipe for a Mint Jewlip?