DIY Marriage Contract Not Kosher

ketubahThe Smoking Gun gives us an example of Husbandly Expectations Gone Wild (scroll down).

I understand the need to be clear about certain things in a marriage, but Travis Frey’s demands of his wife, like a specifically-sized patch of pubic hair and the insistence that only wear thong underwear, is just … micromanaging. As Treifalicious asks, where’d she meet this guy — craigslist?

Needless to say, Mrs. Frey didn’t sign it. Maybe that’s why he had to kidnap her. Freak.

Good thing when El Yenta Man and I drew up our own ketubah, the sacred Jewish marriage agreement to protect the wife’s rights in the home, we made sure it was a document spelling out equality and respect for each other. Yup, there it is, in a mahogany frame with our signatures hanging over the dresser, all in Hebrew.

Damn I wish I’d added in those secret “No snoring” and “I will not say anything that could be construed as inflammatory, argumentative or insensitive during your menstrual cycle” clauses.

*Ketubah image c/o JessyJudaica.

The Good Doctor Posthumously Joins The Cartoon Frenzy

Dr Seuss - Jewish Political CartoonWho knew the best anti- anti-Semitic cartoonist around would be the prolific Dr. Suess?

UCSD’s collection of his anti-war and anti-anti-Semitic (oh man, there’s gotta be a better term) drawings show everyone’s favorite kiddie rhymemeister to be a deep-thinking leftist.

He couldn’t have entered the Israeli Anti-Semitic Cartoon contest, since he was officially a German Lutheran, but with his social conscience and commitment to human rights, I say he’s an honorary MOT.

Muchas gracias , como siempre, á Ctraffik, who’s quite a rhymemaster himself.

And The Iranian Cartoon Conspiracy Continues…

tom and jerryYou know Tom and Jerry, right? The sadistic, slightly stupid cat and the saucy, smart mouse trapped in a neverending cycle of violence and codependence that used to served up on Saturday mornings for the kiddies?

It’s another one of them Jew conspiracies, dontcha know.

So says Iran, anyway. According to Professor Hasan Bolkhari, a cultural advisor to the Iranian Education Ministry, the Jews of Hollywood created the cartoon to dress up the image of mice in the media, since the the Nazis had stigmatized Jews as “dirty mice” in the minds of Europeans.

Bolkhari’s speech, televised on the Iranian news and translated by Middle East Research Institute deconstructed Jerry for his audience:

The mouse is very clever and smart. Everything he does is so cute. He kicks the poor cat’s ass. Yet this cruelty does not make you despise the mouse. He looks so nice, and he is so clever. … This is exactly why some say it was meant to erase this image of mice from the minds of European children, and to show that the mouse is not dirty and has these traits. Unfortunately, we have many such cases in Hollywood shows.

The Yenta isn’t one to spew unsolicited advice, but if they would like evidence of Jewish smarts and strength, perhaps Iranian officials should quit watching cartoons and pay attention to the news instead.

Jewish Stage Mothers Get Their Props

Last week the women who birthed Jason Alexander, Marlee Matlin and Curb Your Enthusiasm‘s Jeff Garland kvelled over their tateles for the Broward County Hadassah chapter as part of the group’s “Tears & Laughter — Jewish style” event.

jason alexanderLaughter: Jason Alexander told his mother he was either going to regular school or Hebrew school, but not both. His mother, Ruth Greenspan, said “I told him he had to go to both to become an educated person and to know what it means to be a Jew. He said, ‘I already know — it means to suffer.’ ”

Tears: Marlee Matlin is married to non-Jew and is not raising her four children Jewish, according to her mother, Libby Matlin.

Where else but in Miami do the mothers of Jewish actors get center stage?

If You Had A Two-Year-Old That Licks Things, You’d Be A Germ Freak, Too

toilet Today begins a Yenta family vacation that will involve much use of public restrooms. This is relevant to the recent discovery of knowledge that no Jewish mother wants to hear: Toilet paper covers are a placebo.

Nevertheless, I’m still using ‘em, along with that anti-bacterial gel stuff that isn’t supposed to work. If we can’t have our delusions of sanitation, what do we have?

Joke For Yentas And The People Who Love Them

Cream of this week’s j. jokes:

Girls night

Four Jewish bubbies convene for their weekly mah jongg game, going on 20 years.

The first bubbie says, “You know, girls, I’ve known you all for a long time and there’s something I must get off my chest. I’m a kleptomaniac. But don’t worry, I’ve never stolen from you and I never will — we’ve been friends for too long.”

The second bubbie says, “Well, since we’re having true confessions here, I’ve got one, too. I’m a nymphomaniac. But don’t worry, I’ve never hit on your husbands — we’ve have been friends for too long.”

“Well,” says the third bubbie, “I too must confess something. I am a lesbian. But don’t worry, I would never jeopardize our weekly game by introducing romance — we’ve been friends too long.”

The fourth bubbie throws down her tiles, stands up and grabs her coat. “I have a confession, also. I am a yenta and I have some phone calls to make.”

Tsotchke of the Week: Make Kinky Gesture

kinkyYou know a Texas Jewboy has arrived when he gets his own action figure.

From Kinky’s official campaign web site:

This figure comes ready for action, dressed in Kinky’s black leather vest and cowboy hat, with a Texas shaped belt buckle, and of course, Kinky’s signature cigar. With fully poseable arms for gesturing and telling corrupt career polititians where to go, the Kinky Friedman Talking Action Figure is sure to become a classic collectible.

Especially if he unseats incumbent Rick Perry. But like Bobofet and C3PO, you’d better keep Kinky in the box to vest full value on eBay.

The $29.95 goes to Kinky’s campaign, which is running hotter than ever as the March 7 gubernatorial primaries heat up in Texas (Kinky’s running as an independent, but he says he’s got the 45,000 signatures to get on November’s ballot.)

Olympic Kabbalah

sasha cohenIs that a red kabblah string on Sasha Cohen‘s wrist or is it just some fringe from the bottom of her gypsy costume?

If it was supposed to protect her from the Evil Eye, it sure worked: The petite Russian-born skater rocked the ladies’ short program last night and won a gold for the U.S. — watch the video at nbcolympics.com.

Thanks to the hawk-eyed Carol for the tip!

Dildos Against Alito

jwwThe clever chicks of JewishWomenWatching, an activist group that raises awareness about homophobia and sexism within the Jewish community, have launched what may be one of the most hilarious, effective actions EVER:

To “create a buzz” around the Jewish community’s silence on the potential loss of women’s reproductive freedom with the confirmation of Samuel Alito to the Supreme Court, they’ve sent Jewish leaders across the country a little gift: vibrators.

“How can Jews be silent while the government imposes its Christian agenda on our bodies?” JWW asks.

Advocating accurate sex education and “medical care regulated by science, not Jesus” and promoting free orgasms to those in organized positions? Kudos, ladies. But are y’all watching the looks on the recipients’ faces when they open the package?

Let My Lawyer Handle It

mamoudThat’s right: We can’t bomb Mahmoud Ahmadinejad out of office, we certainly can’t vote him out, but we can sure as hell sue him:

Yesterday in Vienna, the European Jewish Congress voted to file charges against everyone’s favorite international superfascist at the International Court of Justice in The Hague for inciting hatred.

And it’s a class action deal, too: Sign the petition here.