Milking A Fad (But Not With Fleishig)

notkosherThank you to the keen eyes of Jewbiquitous for alerting me to the creation of LOLJews, which currently only has three photos. Probably because while Jews are funny, we’re not nearly as hilarious as cats. Or puppies. Or walruses. But hey, we got waaaaay more Nobel Prizes, nu?

If you’re still not hip to the waning LOLcats craze, Aaron Rutkoff Wall Street Journal article is crash course in sassie kittehs.

Shmatas and Jokes For Yo Mama

shirtI know, like what kind of Oedipal-issues therapy case would wear this one from But surely it’s making someone happy.

stopkvetchin Personally, any request to stop the complaining is more my speed. At the Yenta house, we like to say “Stop kvetching — I don’t speak Whinese.”

And because I spent a lot of time today with the Senior Yentas who happen to share my brand of corny humor, here’s the timeless “If Famous People Had Jewish Mothers” joke:

“This you call a smile, after all the money your father and I spent on

“I don’t care what you’ve discovered, you still should have written!”

“Why can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you know how hard
it is to get this junk off the ceiling?”

“All right, if you’re not hiding your report card inside your jacket,
take your hand out of there and show me!”

“Again with the hat! Why can’t you wear a baseball cap like the other

“Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss
your allowance good-bye!”

“Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now
turn it off and go to sleep!”

“I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man,midnightis long
past your curfew!”

And then these two, who really did have Jewish mothers:

“But it’s your senior photo! Couldn’t you have done something
about your hair?”

“That’s a good story! Now tell me where you’ve really been for the last
forty years.”

Now pick up the phone and call the womb from whence you came. Texting her don’t count, homie.

A Joke For Your Seder

You know I love the corny, clean ones that can be told in front of bubbies and babies. From this week’s j., edited just a bit:

jetA Passover Miracle

Bernie decided he wanted to be an aeronautical engineer and build airplanes. He studied hard, went to the best schools, and finally got his degree. It didn’t take long before he gained a reputation as the finest aeronautical engineer in all the land, so he decided to start his own company to build jets. His company was such a hit that Israel’s defense minister called Bernie into his office, saying, “I want to commission your company to build an advanced Israeli jet fighter.“

Needless to say, Bernie was tremendously excited at this prospect. Everything looked terrific on paper, but when they held the first test flight of the new jet, disaster struck. The wings couldn’t take the strain — they broke clean off of the fuselage.

Bernie was devastated; his company redesigned the jet fighter, but the same thing happened at the next test flight — the wings broke off. Very worried, Bernie went to his shul to ask God where he had gone wrong. The rabbi saw Bernie’s sadness and asked him what was wrong. Bernie decided to pour his heart out to the rabbi.

After hearing the problem, the rabbi put his hand on Bernie’s shoulder and told him, “Listen, I know how to solve your problem. All you have to do is drill a row of holes directly above and below where the wing meets the fuselage. If you do this, I absolutely guarantee the wings won’t fall off.”

So Bernie did exactly what the rabbi told him to do. On the next design of the jet fighter, they drilled a row of holes directly above and below where the wings met the fuselage. And it worked! The next test flight went perfectly.

Brimming with joy, Bernie went to tell the rabbi that his advice had worked. “But rabbi,” Bernie asked, “how did you know that drilling the holes would prevent the wings from falling off?”

“Bernie,” the rabbi intoned, “I’m an old man. I’ve lived for many, many years and I’ve celebrated Passover many, many times. And in all those years, not once has the matzah broken on the perforation!”

The Yenta Will Return Shortly

*Dearest readers, the Yenta has been occupied with the full spectrum of familial issues, which I would regale you with except that it would only come off as extreme kvetching. Please enjoy the following care of Weird Jews while I deal with the difficulties. Call your mother today and thank her for dealing with the tsursis of your own adolescent bima days. Photo courtesy of Bar Mitzvah Disco.
The “Truth in Advertising” Bar Mitzvah Invitation

In keeping up with the Rosens and the Abelsons

It is with great stress, emotional and physical fatigue,
and incredible financial sacrifice beyond comprehension that
We invite you to join us as our wonderful son Jacob Adamis called to the Torah as a Bar Mitzvah Saturday, May 12th (yes, we realize it's Mother's Day Weekend)

Temple Israel 14 Coleytown Road Westport, Connecticut 06880 at the ungodly hour of 9 a.m. even though you don't really need to be there until 10:20 a.m. to catch the real action

If you make it through the three-hour service, please skip the kiddush (it's just cookies and cake)
and join us instead for an overly large and ostentatious Kosher (my husband's idea)
Dinner at 7 p.m. (not 8 p.m. or you'll miss out on the 2000 canapes)
Birchwood Country Club
25 Kings Hwy S
Westport, CT 06880
(which we had to join just for this event and you would not believe the initiation fees)

You will be in the presence of lots of boisterous and expensive entertainment and 60 to 70 unruly pre-teens wearing expensive dresses, funny hats, fake bling, and white ankle socks as well as 80-100 middle aged+ adults, some balding, some with bad toupees
Most will be professionally coiffed, designer attire galore, lots of REAL bling
Most will also be toasted to the nines
At least 1/3 will be hormonally challenged and some will act stupid while under the influence
Some will not even know where or who they are.
Some will complain about the food. Blah Blah Blah.

Please have the courtesy of showing up if you RSVP that you are attending.
You will be billed for $65.00 a plate if you are a no-show.
Please RSVP as soon as you get this and not a day before the cut-off date. I can't take the stress.

The gift of choice is either green or contains a routing and account number
"Off the top of your head" gifts and gift cards are a waste of your time and ours

Hope you can make it!
Lisa and David Miller

Dress: Black Tie optional
Theme: 007 James Bond

BYO Kippot. I don't have the strength

Insanity Is Hereditary, You Get It From Your Children

samlevensonI always thought my mother came up with that one especially for me during my awkward bat mitzvah years, but I’ve recently discovered it was Jewish humorist Sam Levenson who’s responsible for it and other chuckle-worthy universal truths, including Time-Tested Beauty Tips, which has often been mis-attributed to the late, great Audrey Hepburn. (More classic Levenson one-liners like “If you need a helping hand, you can find one at the end of your arm” can be found here and here.)

Rabbi William Berkowitz has published an interview with Levenson called “The Gift of A Jewish Mother” at, a Yiddish culture site containing a treasure trove inspirational and historically-surprising articles. Levenson died in 1980, so the rabbi’s interview is at least a quarter of a century old, but I’m delighted he dusted it off to create this piece, thereby introducing at least one ignoramus to Levenson’s warm wisdom, which I pass on to you.

This quote in particular struck me on this early morning:

My family didn’t pursue happiness. That’s a big mistake in America – the whole pursuit of happiness. The only people who get happy from the pursuit of happiness are the people who sell tranquilizers. They’re the ones that have done very well. As for us, we believe in the pursuit of truth, of justice of yosher, of God, of rachmonus, of peace, freedom. That’s what you pursue. There is nothing written in our Jewish teaching about the pursuit of happiness. We pursue great ideals, but happiness is not an ideal. It’s only a by-product of an ideal achieved. It’s not an ideal unto itself.

As someone who struggles daily with the so-far elusive American dream of a home of one’s own, financially and spiritually fulfilling work as well as a perpetually shiny kitchen floor, I realize — in this quiet, predawn moment, anyway — the truth that fulfillment can only come when we’re looking for righteous things rather than material ones (though certain pairs of shoes have brought me deep and lasting contentment.) If I could learn in 2007 — and even possibly teach my children by example — to find happiness in what I have rather than what I don’t, I would make great leaps. It would save a lot of money in therapy, anyway.

Extreme Makeover, God Edition

plasticsurgeryGlad to see the j. jokes page has kept its dark humor:

Hette had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience, during which she saw God and asked if this was the end for her.

God said no and told her that she had another 30 or 40 years to live.

As soon as she recovered, Hette figured that since she had another 30 or 40 years to live, she might as well stay in the hospital and have the facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck that she had always promised herself. When she got out of the hospital, she even changed the color of her hair.

Some weeks later, as Hette was crossing the street after leaving the hospital, she was knocked over and killed by a car.

When she arrived in front of God, Hette was annoyed. “I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years!”

God replied, “I didn’t recognize you.”

(Joke © David Minkoff. Photo of plastic surgery-gone-wild poster girl Jocelyne Wildenstein courtesy of PlasticSurgeryHumor.)

Crummy Tashlich Humor

breadFrom my friends at the j. jokes page:

On Rosh Hashanah, there is a ceremony called tashlich. Jews traditionally go to the ocean or a stream or river to pray and throw bread crumbs into the water. Symbolically, the fish devour their sins. Occasionally, people ask what kind of breadcrumbs should be thrown. Here are suggestions for breads most appropriate for specific sins and misbehaviors.

For ordinary sins:
White bread

For complex sins: Multigrain

For twisted sins: Pretzels

For sins of indecision: Waffles

For sins committed in haste: Matzah

For sins of chutzpah: Fresh bread

For substance abuse: Stoned wheat

For use of heavy drugs: Poppy seed

For committing auto theft: Caraway

For tasteless sins: Rice cakes

For ill-temperedness: Sourdough

For silliness and eccentricity:
Nut bread

For not giving full value: Shortbread

For excessive irony: Rye bread

For particularly dark sins: Pumpernickel

For dressing immodestly: Tarts

For causing injury to others:

For being holier than thou: Bagels

For dropping in without notice:

For overeating: Stuffing

For raising your voice too often: Challah

For pride and egotism: Puff pastry

For sycophancy:

For laziness: Any long loaf

For trashing the environment: Dumplings

For telling bad jokes/puns: Corn bread

Now I know I probably should of thrown corn bread and definitely some challah in the Back River, but all I had were a bag of old croissants and tortilla chips — for the sin of being culturally confused?