Hope the Jewish Genes Counteract the Moron Ones

adam and jackieMazel tov to Adam Sandler and his wife, Jackie Titon, on the birth of their first child.

Adam jubilantly writes on his site that the “Kid is healthy!! Wife is healthy!! He’s still a moron and that’s all that counts!!

Silly man, stating the obvious. Parenthood makes a person more of a moron, not less.

Jackie’s bio says she “became Jewish” after her marriage, so welcome to the tribe of Jewish motherhood, sister.

Some are reporting that it’s a girl, but it remains to be seen whether the Sandlers buck Hollywood peer pressure and give the kid a nice, normal Jewish name.

Useful and Not-So-Useful Magic

copperfieldJewish illusionist David Copperfield used sleight of hand to fool a band of muggers a couple of weeks ago: Even though he was carrying his passport, wallet and cellphone, he showed the thieves nothing but empty pockets.

“Call it reverse pickpocketing,” he said. Such a smart cookie, that David.

blaineSo there’s magic, then there’s meshuggah: That other handsome Hebrew magician named David — Blaine, that is — is suffering from severely swollen hands as result of his latest I’m-gonna-submerge-myself-in-water/ice/hot lava/ice cream-and-see-what-happens escapade. His Houdini-inspired (hey! Another hot magical Jew!) finale airs live tonight on ABC — if he doesn’t freakin’ die first.

Copperfield has much to teach young Blaine about self-preservation…

Those Wacky JuBus

dalai lama and richard gereHere’s an interesting profile from the LA Times on the JuBus, those folks born Jewish who find comfort in the practice of Zen Buddhism.

I live in the land of the JuBus (for the next month, anyway) and have come to know this peculiar breed of Jews intimately. Even my Jungian Jewish therapist, with his admonitions that much of my mishegoss is self-created, used to be a Buddhist priest. I’m so used to hearing yiddishisms in yoga class that they don’t even sound out of place anymore (“Oy, it’s my turn to shlep all the meditation cushions to Spirit Rock tonight!”)

The popularity of JuBuism is evident in bestselling books like “The Jew In the Lotus” and David M. Bader’s“Zen Judaism” and “Haikus for Jews”, but even more so in the numbers: 30 percent of converts to Buddhists were raised Jewish.

The JuBus are purely an American — and dare I say Californian? — creation, and since so many Jews are raised in secular environments, I can see how the simplicity of Buddhism can be attractive. So many claim that they’re “peace with paradox” of being both, but is this really possible? (I ask this purely out of detached curiousity; I can barely get a handle on one set of beliefs, the last thing I need is another spiritual path. Even though I just love those maroon robes — so fancy!)

The article quotes the Dalai Lama: “If there is a problem and there is nothing you can do about it, there’s no use worrying. If there is something that can be done, there’s no use worrying. And with that understanding can come contentment, even joy.”

Funny, my Zen Jungian therapist with the very Jewish last name says the same thing.

Hand-wringing, insomniac Jewish mother koan: If there is no worrying, the mind will collapse.

Masada Is Falling, Masada Is Falling!

masadaaaWell, maybe just crumbling a little.

Don’t let it kill your tourist jones, though: Geologists from Israel and the U.S. are on it, bolting rocks together and field testing new rock monitoring systems.

If only someone would pay as much attention to remaking the movie “Masada,” that 1981 stinker starring Peter O’Toole and Peter Strauss. Screw “Gladiator” — this story is a true epic. The Yenta’s personal casting choices are intelligent woman’s Jewish pin-up man Liev Schrieber as zealot leader Elazar ben Yair and creepy Billy Zane as Roman governor Flavius Silva.

Jewish Hip Hop’s New Face?

eshy“Yo!” to DailyJews for introducing Eshy, a Jewish rapper who doesn’t want to be a joke.

You may recall how much the Yenta detests Jewish joke rap but adores the tribal truth beats known as Jewish hip-hop, so I had to listen to a coupla Eshy’s tracks before I could be certain this was the latter, delivered “without any comic novelty associated with it.”

His album “Attention Deficit Disorder” does boast some fine tracks that showcase Eshy’s New York spoken word roots: “Blacks and Jews” might become the rallying street cry for all rhyming Jews looking for street cred, and as far as requisite MC meglomaniacal self-intros go, “Hebrew” solidly places Eshy among the genuine players.

But there are couple of disappointments. The sad irony contained within the main loop of “School Sucks”, “I don’t really want to go to school ‘cuz they don’t really teach me nothin” doesn’t exactly evoke respect for someone who purports to be a word artist. And while “Kill the Boss” echoes Eminem’s “Kill You,” so-angry-it’s-funny aesthetic, it’s not much of a message for the young people.

Overall, though, Eshy’s effort is worth a listen. The surface attitude belies an obvious knowledge and care for language; the lyrical complexity and original beats buoys this artist into the ranks of the authentic rappers, Jewish or not.

*photo courtesy of Daily Jews.

T-Shirt Of The Week: My Neverending Tsuris

t-shirtI’m not saying I’m into suffering, but the resemblance between this offering from JewishFunnybone.com and the woman in the mirror is just too uncanny these days:

I’m packing four people’s belongings for a move across the country and I’ve just realized it’s ALL a bunch of crap; I’ve had a hacking bronchial cough (with attending phlegm) for a month; my 2-year-old simply will not discuss her gastric urges, preferring instead to let someone discover them after the fact, usually as I’ve buckled her into her carseat — squish; I’m leaving my beloved hippie Californian paradise for God-knows-what in the deep South in less than six weeks; although El Yenta Man remains sexy and loyal, I may murder him for watching surfing DVDs when he should be sorting through the disaster area called his closet; I’m out of chocolate.

Even though any and all of the circumstances behind this kvetching are temporary, it all just feels so Sisyphusian.

Hell, If It Weren’t for the Stretchmarks, I’d Consider It

cindyCindy Margolis, the self-proclaimed “Most Downloaded Woman On the Internet” (I’m sure her mother is very proud), has announced her latest gig: posing nude in Playboy at the age of 40.

Whereas displaying her wares in the glossy men’s magazine “would have been for gratuitous reasons” in the past, now is the perfect time for Cindy to get nakey: “It will be fun to go up against the 20-year-olds and show them that they don’t have anything on me,” she said.

She adds: “You’re not dead just because you are married and have children.” Huzzah, sista.

Now, I’m not a fan of nudie mags or of Cindy’s (as I am unclear as to what her actual talents are — celebrity poker and cooking shows aside) but I like her spunk. There aren’t many models (would you believe there’s a wikipedia entry for Jewish American models?) who can push their career past 21, and any woman with three kids who can work it for Playboy ought to be lauded.

Sure, it’s all about airbrushing and good plastic surgery. That’s right — Cindy wasn’t always the blonde, tiny-nosed bombshell you see before you; she was once just another Jewish girl trying to stand out in L.A.

Personally, I think she was cuter before her nose job, although the eyebrow-scaping is definitely a good call.

Happy 58th, Israel

yom haatzmautIt’s Yom Ha’atzmaut, Israeli Indepence Day. As my favorite JTA columnist Leslie Susser points out, she’s come a long way, baby, in terms of economic growth and diplomatic stability, but after 58 years Israel is still dealing with the same issues it did as a toddler: “a lack of universal recognition, ongoing terrorism and the threat of physical destruction.” Check his analysis here. (Susser is most awesome at making sense of statistics and explaining the complexities of the ever-shifting Israeli government — his weekly column helps us slow learners keep up with the grown-ups at cocktail parties.)

According to MyJewishLearning.com, “there is not yet an accepted ‘tradition’ of how to celebrate this holiday, and only time will tell whether certain customs, foods, prayers, and melodies will be linked in the Jewish mind with this holiday, as with holidays that emerged many centuries before Yom Ha’atzmaut.”

Fantastic! That means that unlike most Jewish holidays and their specific edicts on what to eat and what to say, you can’t go wrong today! My plans are to eat falafel naked and sing “Hatikvah” accompanied by African drumming. How’s by you?

Israeli B-Ball Fans Charm Prague

tel aviv fanEven though their team, Maccabi Tel Aviv, lost the Euroleague basketball final last night, the 15,000 or so fans in yellow impressed locals and rival fans alike with their good manners, sobriety and general cheerfulness.

“This is not what we are used to in sports fans,” observed Martina Kucerova, a Prague sportswriter who worked during the Final Four at Sazka Arena, the venue for the tournament. “They don’t get drunk, they don’t get aggressive, they are just happy and fun. It’s so refreshing.”

The rest of Dinah Spritzer’s JTA story paints such an adorable picture of hundreds showing up to the Chabad Shabbat that usually hosts 20 and hordes of dancing goofballs in yellow infusing depressed travellers recently arrived from the March of Living concentration camp tour with their enthusiasm.

Even Maccabi’s losing score of 69-73 against Russia’s CSKA team couldn’t break the spirit of these mensches. Perhaps they might teach the plotting hooligans among Polish soccer fans a thing or two …