Mrs. Ari Redefines the Jewish TV Wife

Of course you know Jeremy Piven won an Emmy for his role as Entourage’s snakey agent-with-the-heart-of-gold. Did you doubt it, bitch? Insert your favorite Ari quote here.

mrs. ariOne of the reasons everyone loves Ari is because he’s just the nastiest, slimiest toad ever, yet remains faithful to his wife, the steely balabusta known only as Mrs. Ari. This article by Karen Schwartz in Nextbook gives intellectual treatment to Jewish TV wives and how acidic Mrs. Ari (played by perfectly nice Perrey Reeves) represents a step forward — however bitchy — for the archetype.

This Yenta is super sorry to see the season go. That show is the juiciest, funniest half hour a week I get these days. Listen, it’s not such a glamorous life with the two kids, the mentally-ill in-laws, the living on a small island awaiting Tropical Storm Ernesto to wipe away the family’s few possessions not still in storage in California. Now El Yenta Man and I will have to start playing naked Scrabble again for entertainment — if it the Scrabble set doesn’t get swept out to sea.

Bloomberg reports Ernesto has been downgraded to a tropical depression. Don’t they have a special kind of Prozac for that, something with little Hawaiian flowers on the box?

Though Tropical Depression Ernesto’s effect on the Georgia coast coincides with the smaller, yet more volatile, Pre Menstrual Storm Yenta, it’s nothing a batch of the tequila-lime chicken I’m planning to cook for dinner and several pounds of chocolate can’t remedy.

Do You Get Angry Bob?

I’d never heard of NYC comedian Angry Bob until Raphael of Disturbingly Yellow sent me this clip of of a very large man with a voice that could chew up rocks, a satanic cross between Andre the Giant and Bruce Vilanch on a cocaine bender. Here he is in Montreal — it starts off slow, but give Angry Bob’s big brand of humor a chance as he learns French, asks locals where they keep their Jews and succumbs to the street cariacture vendor. As Angry Bob says while perched on a tiny stool having his portrait sketched, “Come for the chin, stay for the stretch marks.”

Even more interesting is the blogger who sent it on: Raphael’s bio a fascinating, funny read about a far more disenfranchised Jew than I:

My parents wanted better for me, so escaping Muslim ass kickings of Jews in Asia, we land in Brooklyn, where Orthodox Jewish ass kicking of Muslim-looking me commences.

Disturbingly Yellow
(hello, such a killer blog name) appears to be a mix of politics, personality and international goingson. Anyone whose main political influence is vodka deserves a link.

Meet Lazydork. Enjoy.

No, you can’t touch this Mexican Jew, but with a bathrobe as crusty as that, why would you want to? This video is a response to a YouTube celebrity named Lonely Girl, who’s been getting too much attention, according to Lazydork.

And I’m not sure if “lazy” is the correct appellation for this rappin’ dude because anybody who creates this many movie-related drinking games is doing something special with his life.

Gene Simmons Blows IDF Soldier A Big Kiss

kissAn Israeli solidier paralyzed from the chest down from battling with Hezbollah got a hero’s greeting by one of his own heroes, KISS bassist and reality-TV dad Gene Simmons.

In a videotape, Simmons told Ron Weinreich “I can’t tell you how proud I am of you, and how much the world and Israel owes you a debt of gratitude … From the bottom of my heart, you are a real hero, you are everybody’s hero, you are my hero and I wish I could be there with you.”

Then, in Hebrew: “My name is Chaim, I was born in Haifa.”

Simmons a sabra … who knew? He probably didn’t deliver his message to Weinreich in full KISS regalia, but that would’ve been awesome.

A Big Kiss For This Rock N’ Roll Family

family jewelsA couple of nights ago El Yenta Man couldn’t take me barking at CNN for another minute and flipped the channel to A&E, thinking he’d bore me to sleep. Unfortunately for him, Gene Simmons Family Jewels was showing back-to-back episodes and he had to get me a dish of ice cream instead.

Tailored along the lines of The Osbournes, the Simmons have all the right elements of a TV-worthy rock n’ roll family: The sarcastic, over-indulged kids; the long-suffering wife, the once-heavy metal-rock-god-now-a-dithering-goofball man of the house. Sure, Ozzie and Co. already did it, but the Simmons’ show ain’t half bad.

Some entertaining highlights included watching Gene, who claims to be “happily unmarried” to ex-Playboy Playmate Shannon Tweed, tricked into an ambush wedding, complete with the local Beverly Hills Rent-a-Rabbi. The scene where he applies his famous make-up for a show and then makes time for his daughter next to the mirror (“Wow, Dad, your brushes are nicer than mine”) showed a sweet side. And then there’s son Nick, a handsome, self-deprecating lad of 6’7″, who provides much comic relief by sucking the wind out of his dad’s monster ego.

“Family Jewels” airs Monday nights on A&E. While some of the “reality” is obviously contrived, finding out that the dead animal on Gene’s head is actual hair is worth a half hour of late-night TV in between blog posts and laundry folding, anyway.

iranWhen a Danish newspaper runs a cartoon of Mohammed that some Muslims find offensive, do those offended launch a mean-spirited campaign against havarti cheese?

Of course not, silly. They know the Jews are obviously behind the Danish media and fill museums in Iran with “art” that mocks the Holocaust.

“It is not that we are against a specific religion,” said Seyed Massoud Shojaei, the curator of the show at the Palestinian Contemporary Art Museum in Tehran. “We are against repression by the Israelis.”

Don’t try explaining that the Holocaust happened before there was an Israel. They’ll only blame you for their nuclear waste.

Cartoon courtesy of

Jewish As A Matzoh Ball, And Don’t You Forget It

jackie masonJewish comedy icon Jackie Mason is suing Jews for Jesus for using his name, a cartoon likeness of him and a riff on his famous “Jews vs. Gentiles” schtick in one of their propaganda tools.

Jews for Jesus denies that the pamphlet implies that Mason is a Jew for Jesus, but take a look at it and decide. Personally, I think Mason’s got an open/shut copyright case and I hope he bankrupts the life out of them.

Jews for Jesus responds to the hoopla with typical J4J unblinking ignorance and denial. Executive director David Brickner: “Jackie may be as Jewish as a matzoh ball, but Jesus is as Jewish as chicken soup.” Spokesperson Susan Perlman: “Shame on him for getting so upset about this.”

Shame on him? Why not just call yourself a cult Christian and get over yourself? The predatorial nature of an organization that uses mind control and scapegoating to retain members is the only shanda here, beeotch.

Check out ExJewsForJesus to find out just what a sinister group J4J is…

Green’s New Home A Homerun For the Tribe

shawn greenJTA reports that it was the Jews who led Shawn Green to New York.

“It’s something that’s always intrigued me,” said the baseball player, who was traded from the Arizona Diamondbacks to the Mets. “New York is head and shoulders the largest Jewish population in the country, if not the world, and it will be an interesting and fun experience for me.”

It’ll certainly be a refreshing change for the menschy outfielder coming from Arizona, where there’s a Mormon church on every corner across from the Circle K.

You may recall Green became a true Jewish sports hero back in 2004 when he sat out a key game in the season to observe Yom Kippur.

Update: The graphic on Esther’s post over at Jewlicious is not to be missed.