Crummy Tashlich Humor

breadFrom my friends at the j. jokes page:

On Rosh Hashanah, there is a ceremony called tashlich. Jews traditionally go to the ocean or a stream or river to pray and throw bread crumbs into the water. Symbolically, the fish devour their sins. Occasionally, people ask what kind of breadcrumbs should be thrown. Here are suggestions for breads most appropriate for specific sins and misbehaviors.

For ordinary sins:
White bread

For complex sins: Multigrain

For twisted sins: Pretzels

For sins of indecision: Waffles

For sins committed in haste: Matzah

For sins of chutzpah: Fresh bread

For substance abuse: Stoned wheat

For use of heavy drugs: Poppy seed

For committing auto theft: Caraway

For tasteless sins: Rice cakes

For ill-temperedness: Sourdough

For silliness and eccentricity:
Nut bread

For not giving full value: Shortbread

For excessive irony: Rye bread

For particularly dark sins: Pumpernickel

For dressing immodestly: Tarts

For causing injury to others:
Tortes

For being holier than thou: Bagels

For dropping in without notice:
Popovers

For overeating: Stuffing

For raising your voice too often: Challah

For pride and egotism: Puff pastry

For sycophancy:
Brownies

For laziness: Any long loaf

For trashing the environment: Dumplings

For telling bad jokes/puns: Corn bread

Now I know I probably should of thrown corn bread and definitely some challah in the Back River, but all I had were a bag of old croissants and tortilla chips — for the sin of being culturally confused?

6 thoughts on “Crummy Tashlich Humor

  1. The Ultimate Tashlich Bread List – 5767
    Compiled by Leigh, Mike, Corey, Miriam & Barry Davis

    On the afternoon of the first day of Rosh Hashanah, Jews hold a service called Tashlich. For this service, people toss a piece of bread into a running body of water, like a stream. The act of tossing the bread into the stream signifies G-d will forgive our past misdeeds. This year we invite our friends to help us to update our Tashlich list by emailing us your suggestions and by coming up with a sin for the following bread: Texas Toast. The best suggestions will be added to our next year’s list.

    If anyone kneads ideas for what type of bread to use for a particular sin, here are a few (over 130) suggestions: * New for 5767

    For not having any sins: Angel Food Cake
    For selling your soul: Devil’s Food Cake
    For the sin of raisin’ hell: Raisin Bread*
    For little white lies: Croutons
    For tasteless sins: Rice Cakes
    For being Secretary of State: Condoleezza Rice Cakes*
    For writing novels about vampires: Anne Rice Cakes*
    For writing Harry Potter Novels: J. K. “Roll”ings*
    (by Leigh and Shira)
    For wearing tasteless hats: Tam Tams
    For dark sins: Pumpernickel
    For complex sins: Multi-Grain
    For being deceitful: Baked goods with Olestra
    For truly twisted sins: Pretzels
    For being long winded: Bread Sticks
    For going off your Atkins diet: Wheat Thins
    For being anorexic: Fat Free Bread
    For ordinary sins: White Bread
    For sexual sins: Date Bread
    For truly rotten sins: Moldy Bread
    For bring uninspiring: Stale Bread
    For flirting: Fresh Bread
    For impetuosity: Bisquick Bread
    For adding to injuries: Salt Rising Bread*
    For annoying others: Pesto Bread*
    For lust in your heart: Wonder Bread
    For bad breath: Garlic Bread
    For being bitter: Sourdough Bread
    For not giving full value: Shortbread
    For rabbis’ sermons being too long: Shortn’n Bread*
    For being miserly: Enriched Bread
    For sins against your family: Home Made Bread
    For smothering your spouse: Honey Bread
    For being doubtful of others: Wonder Bread
    For substance abuse: Poppy Seed Bread
    For dependence on stimulants – Coffee Cake*
    For inhaling marijuana: Stoned Wheat Bread
    (Pres. Clinton can disregard)
    For giving negative feedback: Flack Seed Bread*
    For committing auto theft: Caraway Bread
    For getting carried away: Caraway Rolls*
    For sins committed during Halloween: Pumpkin Bread
    For giving someone the slip: Banana Bread
    For being a follower: A Second Banana Bread
    For excessive use of irony: Rye Bread
    For being a hard ass: Marble Rye Bread
    For not being fruitful and multiplying: Seedless Rye
    For excessive irony about the former USSR: Russian Rye
    For not caring about excessive irony: American Rye
    For feeling guilty for excessive irony: Jewish Rye
    For being holier-than-thou: Bagels
    For screaming too loud: Challah
    For not putting coins in the pushke: Pumpernickel
    For changing your Jewish sounding last name: Cones
    For davening off tune: Flat Bread
    For sins committed in haste: Matzah
    For sins in less than 18 minutes: Shmurah Matzah
    For sins of chutzpah: Matzah Balls
    For not eating kosher foods: Special K
    For killing a succession of people: Cereal
    For playing on the Cleveland Indians: Coco Crisp
    For having phony sounding British accent: Cheerios
    For acting crazy: Fruit Loops
    For being blonde: Frosted Flakes*
    For abrasiveness: Grits
    For littering: Dumplings
    For over-eating: Stuffing
    For sins of indecision: Waffles
    For being cheesy: Pizza
    For cruelty to animals: Pita (PETA)*
    For having a hidden agenda: Pita Pocket
    For overacting: Ham Sandwich
    For being Bad, Lazy and Tyrannical: B L T*
    For being grumpy, sneezy or dopey: Hi Ho’s
    For not believing in Santa Claus: Ho Ho’s
    For pedophilia: Little Debbie’s
    (It’s tasteless, so use some rice cakes.)
    For getting breast implants: Cupcakes
    For being a bad host: Hostess Cupcakes*
    For silliness: Fruitcake
    For indecent photography: Cheese Cake
    For original sin: Apple Cake
    For living off your relatives: Sponge Cake
    For being obese: Pound Cake
    For stealing second base: Bundt Cake
    For racism: Crackers
    For sophisticated racism: Ritz Crackers
    For being where fashion sits: Ritz
    For Jingoism: Yankee Doodles
    For not knowing the metric system: Graham Crackers
    For mistreating pets: Animal Crackers
    For keeping your pet in the car too long: Hot Dog Buns
    For lechery and promiscuity: Hot Buns
    For promiscuity with a Catholic: Hot Cross Buns
    For being an ass: Buns
    For bad hygiene: Sticky Buns
    For a slim female with a fat ass: Butter Buns*
    (She’s looks great, butter buns!)
    For sycophancy, ass-kissing: Brownies (Yuck!)
    For petty larceny: Stollen
    For committing arson: Toast
    For timidity/cowardice: Milk Toast
    For causing injury or damage to others: Tortes
    For immodest dressing: Tarts
    For not honoring your father: Pop Tarts
    For dropping in without notice: Popovers
    For harboring a criminal: Turnovers
    For sins of self-importance: Puff Pastry
    For hardening your heart: Doughnuts
    For laziness: A Loaf
    For being a bat outa hell: Meatloaf
    (We know, it’s not a bread)
    For cheating in golf: A Slice
    For cutting remarks: Sliced Bread*
    For gambling: Chips
    For playing the slot machines: Pumpernickel
    For eating shellfish: Oysters Crackers*
    For eating ham: Sausage Rolls
    For playing craps: Hard Roll
    For being flabby: A Roll
    For being late for supper: Dinner Roll
    For war-mongering: Kaiser Roll
    For sins against your follow man: “Sin”-a-men Rolls*
    For showing off by driving an expensive car: Rolls*
    For speeding in your convertible: Split Top Bread
    (Last year winner!)
    For driving over the speed limit: Russian Bread*
    For gobbling your food: Turkey Roll
    (Again, not a bread, but who cares!)
    For sins committed out of the country: Italian Bread
    For taxation without representation: English Muffins
    For exotic sins: French Bread
    For not supporting our troops: French Toast
    For our military troops: Hero Bread
    For the sins of Saddam Hussein: Shake‘n Bake
    For impersonating female deer: Dough
    For rabbis philosophizing excessively: Philo Dough* For being cranky: Crust
    For being shallow: Pie Crust
    For reading all these Tashlich suggestions: Nut Bread

    Finally, for the sin of coming up with these bad puns: Cornbread

    The Davis’ wish all our friends,
    HAPPY AND HEALTHY NEW YEAR!

    For next year
    For the sins of Gorge W. Bush: Texas Toast

  2. New addtions “Ultimate Tasclich List” for 5768
    Please email suggetions to BDavis@zoomintertnet.net
    For not washing your hands : Wheat Germ Bread
    For not finishing your plate: Whole Meal Bread
    For gambling in China: Fortune Cookies
    For mugging Muslims: Crescent Rolled
    Violating the speed limit: Quick Bread
    Poaching: Bearclaw
    Creating Zombies: Raisin’ Bread (I like this one)
    Leigh’s
    For being a slut more than twice: Ho Ho’s
    For being a crack whore: Hi Ho’s
    For not suggesting a bread: Nothin’ Honey
    Mike’s
    For drinking to much pop: Irish Soda Bread

  3. New addtions “Ultimate Tasclich List” for 5768
    Please email suggetions to BDavis@zoomintertnet.net
    For not washing your hands : Wheat Germ Bread
    For not finishing your plate: Whole Meal Bread
    For gambling in China: Fortune Cookies
    For mugging Muslims: Crescent Rolled
    Violating the speed limit: Quick Bread
    Poaching: Bearclaw
    Creating Zombies: Raisin’ Bread (I like this one)
    Leigh’s
    For being a slut more than twice: Ho Ho’s
    For being a crack whore: Hi Ho’s
    For not suggesting a bread: Nothin’ Honey
    Mike’s
    For drinking to much pop: Irish Soda Bread

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