Sweet Dreams

mamoud and bushFrom Aish’s Jewlarious.com:

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad calls President Bush and tells him, “George, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner.”

“What did it say on the banners?” Bush asks. Mahmoud replies, “UNITED STATES OF IRAN.”

Bush says, “You know, Mahmoudy, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner.”

“What did it say on the banners?” Mahmoud asks.

Bush replies, “I don’t know. I can’t read Hebrew.”

A chuckle, nu? For some real belly laughs, go to Freerepublic.com for the captions that go with this photo.

Denial Is Always A Viable Option

I gotta admit the j.’s jokes page has improved in my absence:

Abe is sitting on a bench in Golden Gate Park reading an anti-Semitic newspaper. His friend Solomon walks by, sees the paper, and stops in shock.

“What are you doing reading that paper?” Solomon asks. “You should be reading j. weekly

Abe replies, “J. has stories about intermarriage, anti-Semitism, problems in Israel — all kinds of troubles for the Jewish people. I like to read about good news. This anti-Semitic paper says the Jews have all the money … the Jews control the banks … the Jews control the press … the Jews control Hollywood. Better to read nothing but good news!”

Belly Laughs For Blue

josh blueHat tip to the Jewish Blogmeister for the 411 that Josh Blue slayed the audience enough times to become the Last Comic Standing. (I didn’t know Blue was Jewish, but I trust the Blogmeister.)

From Josh’s bio:

A gifted stand-up comedian and talented U.S. Paralympic soccer player, Josh Blue refuses to bow to any of the challenges that come from living with cerebral palsy. He jokes, “I realize that people are going to stare so I want to give them something to stare at.”

Elevating self-deprecation to an art form, this guy blasts through stereotypes about people with disabilities. Though it’s far from his only subject matter, some of Josh’s funniest gags spring from his disability (his “bad arm” routine is so wicked you wonder if its legal.)

From his phenomenal web site:

It’s been overwhelming to say the least and I’m crippled by your support. I wish I had the time to personally respond but let’s just say I’m a slow typer…I started this on Wednesday. One finger typing can be a bitch.

The dude’s hilarious — and dare I say … sexy? Check this Last Comic Standing clip if you missed the season. The world will surely be hearing more from Josh Blue, Jew or not.

Late Night milking Mel Gibson’s big mouth

A few one-liners at Mel’s expense:

Jay Leno:

  • There’s now a 48-hour cease-fire going on in the Middle East. Israel will stop attacking Hezbollah. But, Hezbollah will not necessarily agree to stop attacking Israel. Hey, we can’t even get Mel Gibson to stop attacking Israel.
  • As you may have heard, Mel Gibson was arrested in Malibu on a DUI. I don’t know what he was drinking but I think you can rule out Manischewitz.
  • The sheriff said that Mel’s blood alcohol was .12. Give you an idea how high that is, half a point higher and he would officially be a Kennedy.
  • Police said today that they found a bottle of tequila in Mel’s Lexus. So let’s sum up what happened here; Mel Gibson, who grew up in Australia, was drinking alcohol from Mexico in his Japanese car while yelling about the Jews in Israel. You know where he was coming from? A Thai restaurant. Welcome to America.

Conan O’Brien:

  • Israel continues its strike on Hezbollah. Tomorrow they are going to start attacking Mel Gibson’s house.
  • A member of “The View” said they will not see anymore of Mel’s movies. Barbara Walters said that. Mel Gibson responded by saying, “There goes one $3.00 senior discount matinee ticket.”

Add your own in the comments section.

Slanted Journalism Got You Down?

(Thanks to Laura Harris for sending this in, though I took the liberty of spiffing it up, using my previous experience as jokes editor at a prominent Jewish newspaper…)

vicious dogA young man is walking the streets of Paris. Suddenly he sees a rottweiler attacking a young girl. He jumps on the dog, struggles with it and strangles it to death. Both he and the girl escape with minor scratches.

Immediately, a gaggle of excited CNN reporters surround him and wave their notebooks. “What is your name? What a story! All of Paris will hear of you, and the headlines will be ‘Parisian hero saves little girl from savage dog.'”

The man says, “But I am not Parisian.”

The journalists say “OK, fine, so all of France will hear of you and the headlines will be ‘French hero saves little girl from savage dog.'”

The man shifts uncomfortably in his shoes. “But I am not French.”

The journalists scribble furiously. “Sure, whatever, so all of Europe will hear of you and the headlines will read ‘European hero saves little girl from savage dog.”

The man stands up straight and declares proudly: “But I am not from Europe. I am from Israel.”

The journalists put their notebooks away. “OK, so the entire world will hear of you and the headlines will read ‘Israeli kills little girl’s dog.'”

Quick, Chag Sameach!

speedy gonzalesIt’s a bizzy day at the Yenta house, what with carb-packing with errant chametz (I’ve eaten half a box of Fig Newtons, a bagel and a leftover health-food pop-tart from my son’s lunchbox in the last half hour) and readying the family to make the shlep south for seder. (Next year at my house, bubbie!)

In the meantime, I promise you will love Michael Rubiner’s Two-Minute Haggadah, courtesy of Slate.com (hat tip to Joe at j.):

Opening prayers:

Thanks, God, for creating wine. (Drink wine.)
Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)

Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we’re free. That’s why we’re doing this.

Four questions:
1. What’s up with the matzoh?
2. What’s the deal with horseradish?
3. What’s with the dipping of the herbs?
4. What’s this whole slouching at the table business?

1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent bread.
2. Life was bitter, like horseradish.
3. It’s called symbolism.
4. Free people get to slouch.

A funny story:
Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was morning. (Heat soup now.)

The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:
Wise child—explain Passover.
Simple child—explain Passover slowly.
Silent child—explain Passover loudly.
Wicked child—browbeat in front of the relatives.

Speaking of children:
We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.

The story of Passover: It’s a long time ago. We’re slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh is a nightmare. We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzoh. God parts the Red Sea. We make it through; the Egyptians aren’t so lucky. We wander 40 years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again. (Let brisket cool now.)
The 10 Plagues: Blood, Frogs, Lice—you name it.

The singing of “Dayenu”:
If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it would’ve been enough. If he’d punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea, if would’ve been enough.

If he’d parted the Red Sea—(Remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now.)

Eat matzoh. Drink more wine. Slouch.

Thanks again, God, for everything.


Michael Rubiner writes for movies and television. His work has appeared in many publications, including The New Yorker, the New York Times, and Rolling Stone.

Dial 1-976-Jewish Girls

I’ve been a foul mood lately and this video from the Shushan Channel is the only thing that’s cracked a smile on my scowl all week:

Jewish Girls Gone Wild
is part of Hazon.org’s Purim shpiel, which sounds like a hellava lot more fun that the hamentaschen baking party I’ll be attending.

Thanks to Boy Genius for the tip.

Update: Just found out Esther co-wrote one of the films for the event; of course, she should be the star.