Even if you’ve never seen AMC’s Mad Men, you’re gonna love “Meshugnene Men”, this year’s promo for the satirical deliciousness of the Shushan Channel, a yearly Purim spiel in NYC:

Heelarious – gettin’ us Yentas right into the Purim spirit! (El Yenta Man has already combed out his wig.)

Of course, Shabot 6000’s animated classic will always be the family favorite:

Hope to see y’all at the EVERYONE WELCOME JEA Purim Carnival on Sunday – be sure to goose the Queen Vashti with the 5 o’clock shadow.

Just when I’d resolved to never attend another meeting regarding Jewish fundraising, planning a Jewish event or solving the myriad petty issues of a Jewish community that’s small enough to know better because they just turn into giant kvetch sessions that run into American Idol time, something actually gets done.

El Yenta Man and I joined about fifty people a couple of weeks back to protest the decision to keep the JEA pool closed this summer, which of course turned into a sparky discussion about the roof leaking and future strageties about the JEA’s survival (seriously, WHY can’t the pool be open on Saturdays? It’s not a synagogue, and lounging in the sun could be construed as resting by some of us who interpret the Torah liberally.) Turns out it wasn’t just parents of young children who were pissed – the water aerobics enthusiasts in their 60s and 70s were as equally hot under the collar at the prospect of having to share the indoor pool with the summer campers. It made for quite the multi-generational clusterf*ck – your typical Jewish family gathering, only with no food.

Even though some folks in the community had agreed to put up the dough to get the nescessary repairs to the pool, I figured the JEA board had its reasons for presenting the reality of a splashless summer as beyond discussion – case closed.

But lo and behold, the board has reversed their decision – We’ll have our pool by Memorial Day! Our voices made a difference, but not nearly as much as the promises of cash: There’s gonna be a big bill to pay come May, and I hope all you locals will give what you can.

If you’re still lurking on the edge of Savannah
now is the time to join the JEA – we’ll bring plenty of sunscreen!

Purim is almost here, and I am bangin’ my grogger (in a good way!) for Susan Fischer Weis’ Yontifications – not even Queen Esther could have been bejeweled better.

Get the whole megillah and buy the matching earrings! And check out the bling for every other Jewish holiday – the little matzahs for Passover are so freakin’ cute and won’t go stale on you halfway through.

By the way, the title of this post doesn’t mean I’m making vagina-shaped cookies from scratch, yo. Yeah, that’s right: They tell us in Hebrew school it was all about the bad guy’s hat, but the Jewish feminists say different.

Don’t worry, Shalom School parents: I’ll keep the myth alive for the kindergartners – and head to Kroger for some delish NY-baked goods before the shelves are empty.

Did you think I was going to say we’re both lipstick lesbians? I’m honored.

Sorry to disappoint. The answer is: We both went to bar mitzvahs this weekend!

I went to Daniel Lewis’ simcha (mazel tov!) at my very first experience at an Orthodox shul – tell me, why is that the more observant the congregation, the more chatting while the rabbi is speaking? Anyway, I did feel quite content sitting in the women’s section and holding the babies, and apparently, Lilo enjoyed her synagogue experience, too. In fact, LiLo she liked it so much, she’s planning to stay:

JTA reports today that Lindsay Lohan announced she’s converting to Judaism just before attending the bar mitzvah of the half brother of her girlfriend, DJ Samantha Ronson.

While there are no reports that Sam’s mother is relieved that her daughter is finally going to bring home a nice Jewish girl, Lindsay’s dad isn’t buying it:

“She’s explored the Church of Scientology, she tried Kabbalah, and now this. I think it’s just another phase.”

He doesn’t think his daughter’s really gay either. Dude, in spite of your best-laid plans to exploit her vapid shiksaness into your multibillion dollar empire, your daughter’s a Jewish lesbian. Get over it.

Don’t worry, there’s no biopic of Bernie Madoff (“Scumdog Billionaire?”) Tonight kicks off with “Bye Bye Bravermen”, a hilarious Jewish intellectual take on the road trip/homage to dead friend genre at 7:30.

There are so many intriguing offerings goin’ on – the hard-working young Jews who organized this found something for everybody. Us Yentas are already way over the babysitting budget – I’m definitely down for “The Powder and the Glory,” a documentary that incorporates two of my favorite topics, smart Jewish women and make-up, and “Circumcise Me,” the story of some poor shmo who keeps converting to more observant levels of Judaism and thus must meet with the mohel more times than anyone’d care to.

I’ll also go ahead and recommend “Surfwise,” which El Yenta Man received on DVD for his birthday, about a meshuggeh Jewish doctor with nine children – I may just have to attend that screening on March 4 just to watch everyone’s faces when his wife starts talking about the rules of tushy hygiene while living in a 24-foot camper.

And best of all, this eclectic collection of celluloid culture is a BARGAIN – Passes to the ENTIRE festival are only $50 for JEA members – Get yours here!

Fascinating article by Stacy Palevsky in the current j.weekly about the conflicts within Jewish home about differing levels of observance:

“Much has been written and researched about interfaith couples. Much less is published about couples who are both Jewish. It’s assumed that two Jews equal one Jewish family.”

So just because you finally find your Jewish mate and make your bubbie happy, it doesn’t mean everything will peachy, right? I totally relate – even though we were both raised Reform, El Yenta Man and I have definitely diverge on certain issues: Bacon has crossed my lips in the past , but the guilt is too much so I generally abstain; he’ll mack on bbq, no problem. I’d rather meditate in nature than sit in synagogue; he joined the temple board. I do my best not to spend money or do anything work-related on Shabbat; he avoids doing anything work-related at all times. (Just kidding, babeleh.) But we do our dance and make it work and find the common ground.

Anyhoo, the article peeks into the lives of three couples and comes up with the following lightning bolt:

“Judaism means different things to different people.”

I know that seems like a big “DUH,” but if that idea was actually applied universally – and more importantly, locally(are you listening, Savannah?) to our secular institutions – we might actually maintain a healthy, thriving community instead of quibbling non-stop. (Like many Jewish community centers around the country, apparently ours is failing fast. In order to survive, it probably needs to be open on Saturdays to accomodate the people who’d like to spend their Sabbath on the treadmill or in the pool. If “Jewish” means being shomer Shabbos to you, you’ll spend it within the eruv; why does it matter what others do? The kitchen will still be kosher; the spirit of the place will be Jewish.)

*sigh* Wow, that was a little rant-y. It’s just that it’s nice to read about solutions.

Keeping my Shalom School kindergartners interested in the Old Testament can be a challenge, but I find sticking to six-year interests can help tremendously.

For instance, The Tower of Babel? We built a huge structure out of wooden blocks and knocked that sh*t over. Like fifty times. Jonah and Whale? El Yenta Man was subbing for me that day, and he turned off all the lights and had them pretend they were actually in the big fishy’s belly – they were “returned” to land after he burped really loud.

So naturally, today’s lesson (I know, we’re a bit behind) on Jacob’s all-night tussle with an angel the night before he went to seek his brother Esau’s forgiveness, led to the obvious: An arm-wrestling tournament.

Congrats to my man Eli, who went undefeated. I can only hope that if any of the others get this parsha for his or her b’nai mitzvah, they don’t challenge him to a rematch on the bima.

Back in the 80’s Frankie used to say “Relax,” but now that our president has put the economic plan in full effect, I think “Oy Vey” is a much more appropriate reaction.

Whether we’re completely f*$#d or just partially remains to be seen, but maybe it’s still worth it to try relax about money – if there’s food in the fridge and no one’s come to evict you today, maybe that’s the best we can do for now. Personally, I’ve had plenty of tough times, and I’ve always drawn inspiration from artist SARK’s philosophy.

For some reason I can’t post images today (WordPress gets PMS, too?!), but thanks to Heeb Magazine for directing the Yenta to Esquire‘s requisite “Wow, the Israeli gene pool really turns out some lookers” story.

Apparently that’s breaking news (again) since last week’s announcement that Israeli Bar Refaeli and her barely-covered boobies will grace the cover of Sports Illustrated‘s famed swimsuit issue this year. (Of course, Heeb beat SI to the punch by featuring Bar the Babe as a cover girl on its 5769 swimsuit calendar.) As a Jewish feminist, I find these types of stories reductive and silly but hardly offensive to the point of outrage. As Heeb’s blogger points out, it’s a welcome distraction from other way-uglier Jews in the news lately.

Personally, I think my homegirl Tzipi Livni is missing from Esquire’s list. I know my more hawkish readers don’t approve of my girlcrush – if she was that popular, Kadima would have swept it by more than one vote. But I have to say I’m impressed that’s she’s standing her ground by not ceding to Netanyahu’s suggestion that her party merge with Likud – as long as he’s in the top seat.

Yes, this is a time for to put aside party pettiness for the sake of Israel’s survival, but Tzipi’s dovish sanity is the face the world wants to see. If Bibi is really so hot on unity, he should offer to take second chair.

Either way, I wouldn’t want to see either of them in a bikini.

Ha-yoooge “Chai Five” to Brooklynite jewelry designer Carlen Altman for creating Jewish Rosaries! I think these are freakin’ awesome – the hipster Jew alternative to Tibetan prayer beads. For shizz, why should Catholics and Buddhists get all the good bling?

Read the Jew Spot interview with Miss Carlen where she ‘splains that this is NOT the Chanukah Bush version of religious jewelry and buy your own here!

Hope this makes Pope Benedict XVI and his stupid Holocaust-denying friend Bishop Richard Williamson gag on their wafers.