I Heart Andersen Cooper, But The Rest Of CNN Can Kiss Off

Posted on July 24, 2006 by Head Yenta

andersen cooper All my non-Jewish friends have been emailing me, asking what I think about Israel. After expressing concern for the innocent citizens of Lebanon (as opposed to the bloodthirsty maniacal citizens), I unequivocally support Israel and its right to figuratively and strategically cut the legs off (some would say literally, but I’m not that kind of girl) a group of terrorists intent on “wiping it off the map.”

But last night, watching the coverage of bombed-out Beirut and hearing from Lebanese mothers and fathers what a toll this will take on their lives, I started to doubt Israel’s tactics. Did they have to decimate everyone’s electricity and telecommunications? Was it really necessary to flatten an entire square block? I believe that Israel does its best to minimize casualities it certainly gave Lebanese plenty of warning with those flyers but man, this is gonna set diplomacy back fifty years. We all know that Israel is doing Lebanon a favor by clearing out the Hezamaniacs (is there anyone out there who doesn’t accept that they’re the proxy army of Iran?) but the people of Lebanon sure don’t see it that way. Does Israel expect them to be grateful?

If you’re a viewer just becoming aware of the Middle East situation and you’re kind of liberal, it certainly looks like Israel is being heavy-handed especially when TV reporters are barely disguising their dismay (disgust?) at the massive destruction. I’ve had to explain to many non-Jews it’s necessary to go back far enough into Israel’s history (um, like the day after it achieved independence) to realize that the only way for Israel to defend itself is to mount an awesome offense.

People don’t understand that when Israel “occupies” areas that belong to others, it’s not because it wants to it’s because it has to. If it doesn’t, a bunch of crazy f*kers with rockets will do their best to prevent the Israeli people from going about their lives. So while I have knots in my stomach over burned children and homeless mental patients, I’m behind Israel albeit safely over here in the U.S.

But the fear I have over the liberal American backlash against Israel has me doing weird things like watching conservative TV host Glenn Beck (let’s call him the three-digit I.Q. person’s Rush Limbaugh) and agreeing with him wholeheartedly. Gawd, next I’ll be watching FOXnews with a can of Budweiser and defending my right to drive an SUV. *sigh*

But hey: When the news gets me down, Bangitout Blog always comes to the rescue:

Top Ten Signs The Middle-East News Reporter you are watching has no clue:

10. Hes reporting from Lebanon, Pennsylvania
9. Keeps confusing Al Aqsa with Al Bundy
8. Calls Hezbollah freedom fighters
7. Thought the MidEast was just a tough college basketball conference
6. Starts interview with insane Syrian ambassador: “For the record, I loved Syriana”
5. Signature sign off: “Stay Classy, Osama”
4. Wears a shaitel, full modest dress in order to “fit in” when interviewing Israelis on Tel Aviv beach
3. Concludes Israeli bomb shelter report with, No sign of Baby Suri here, Bob
2. Hes wearing a “Bull-Shiite” t-shirt
1. Sees a clear difference between Hezbollah & Al Quaeda

Blogosphere Abhors a Vacuum

Posted on July 24, 2006 by Head Yenta

Although it was a small some might say unnoticeable void that was created when the Yenta vacated the San Francisco Bay Area, the role of local bloggerific Jew has already been filled:

OyBay has been “bringing together Members of the Tribe by the Bay” since early summer, posting news stories, events, job listings, a “Jewish Craigslist” and all manner of groovy Jewsy happenings from Santa Rosa to Santa Cruz. Manned by the sharp, punny mind known only as “Oyster,” OyBay looks to be at once a resource and point of pride for Bay Area Jews.

But I wonder: Will OyBay keep Yo, Yenta! in an honorary position on its local blogroll (deemed “Bay-gulls” cute), or will it have to be moved “Bay-ond the Pale”?

Hat tip to Esther, who’s hopefully back safe and sound from many weeks in the Holy Land.

Summer Sandal Shanda

Posted on July 21, 2006 by Head Yenta

teva I am not ashamed to admit I have something of a shoe festish, as well as hypercritical judgments of what should be on other people’s feet.

When it came to my kids’ summer sandals this year, I even went so far as to do research that’s the kind of shoe geek I am. As a parent, it’s quite tempting to take the cheapy route, figuring “eh, shoes from Target are fine. By the time the kids notice how crappy they are, their feet will have grown out of them. Oh, look, $200 Campers on sale in my size!”

But oh, those $8.99 Dora the Explorer plastic jobbies have a hidden price: First, in blisters that make your kid’s feet look like she’s been spending time at the Chinese torture chamber at the playground; then, a week after the calluses have toughened up, having to buy another pair because the manufactured-in-China-plastic straps break apart spontaneously on the way to the zoo, where the kid will develop a whole new set of pussing blisters from the electrical tape you keep in the glovebox that you used to repair Dora’s face.

What I needed were quality-made shoes for children, which cost as much as: A) a night of babysitting for you and your spouse B) a dinner a medium nice restaurant or C) an adorable pair of shoes for yourself. So I told El Yenta Man that date night this month would be microwave popcorn in front of “Deadwood” because we needed to shod the children.

At those prices, each kid was only getting one pair for the entire summer, so said shoes had to be indestructable, waterproof, dirtproof, look cute with any outfit and have an emergency clamp that prevented them from being thrown out the car window when its wearer was bored in traffic.

So I began the online searches, the coupon clipping, the interviews of random families (“Excuse me! Yes, sorry about running his feet over with the grocery cart, but how does your boy like those Keens?”)

croc I observed that many children and their parents have fallen under the horrific spell of Crocs, a type of plastic clog that could only look good on Martha Stewart while harvesting snap beans out of the prison vegetable garden. People seem to think that these cheerfully colored cottage cheese containers with ankle straps are actually fashionable, but not since jelly shoes have I wanted to go so far as to vomit on people’s feet. Which would be fine, because apparently one of the attractive attributes of Crocs is that you can just hose them right off.

Then: REI had a sale on Tevas. Unless you’ve been living in a cave, or perhaps Manhattan, you’ve seen the magical Velcro sandals that are sturdy as a sneaker and can be put through the washing machine. Inventor Mark Thatcher, who’s half Jewish and also from Arizona, created them for river enthusiasts who also love to hike in the desert. He chose the name Teva which means “nature” in Hebrew, after spending time in Israel as a young man.

Jewish shoes not made of holey plastic? The obvious choice for my children’s precious soles. Especially with a 30% off coupon.

Who Knew? Einstein Was A Play-ah

Posted on July 20, 2006 by Head Yenta

young einstein Catching up on Hebrew news that doesn’t involve Hezbollah, I had to go a few weeks back to find something interesting:

Hebrew Univerisity has published a batch of letters between Albert Einstein and his second wife/first cousin Elsa that detail his ongoing extramarital affairs with at least half a dozen women.

In other words, the worldwide icon for “smart Jew” was a cheatin’ bastard.

Of course he tried to play it off to his wife that it was all “unwanted affection” and he was just keeping the ladies happy, but any guy trying to pull that nowadays would be hung by his toes on “Oprah” and sent straight to Sex Adddicts Anonymous.

Personally I find the thought of gettin’ inti with Einstein repulsive, although he is adorable in a nebbishy sort of way. But Albie worked the nerd thing like a man with deeper understanding into the workings of the universe: Even Marilyn Monroe is said to have wanted to get into his pants.

Here he is in 1905 c/o pbs.org. I’ll concede that Young Einstein is kind of a babe, but moustaches give me the willies.

Yenta Calling

Posted on July 18, 2006 by Head Yenta

I’ve always kinda thought personalized ring tones for cell phones were for sissy teenagers who can’t afford vanity license plates, but that was before there was a tone especially for me: MyNuMo has created Yentatones, voiced by San Diego actress Martha Kahn and available for download for a mere $2.

With clips like “You Don’t Call, You Don’t Write” and “My Son the Doctor” alerting you that your Nokia’s got action, there can be no mistake whose phone is whose.

Oh, won’t you call my cell so I can hear “Where’s the Fakakta Phone?” again and again?

Return of the Coreys

Posted on July 18, 2006 by Head Yenta

the coreys The following item has the giddy brace-faced 14 year-old in me doing the white girl boogaloo: 80’s teen idols Corey Feldman and Corey Haim have a reality show in the works for the USA network. From Moviehole.net:

“The Coreys” picks up with Feldman living the comfortable suburban life with his wife Suzie and son, until circumstances bring his old pal Haim back into the picture. Episodes would follow Haim single and the total opposite of Feldman as he shakes life up for the Feldmans.

I just had the guilty pleasure of watching “The Lost Boys” at 2 o’clock in the morning (exactly how long is it supposed to adjust to a three-hour time change?) for perhaps the 11,000th time in my life. If the Coreys can match their wicked fast teen boy chemistry with some edgy post-rehab repartee, they’ll match any of the crap on TV, easy.

Return of the Yenta

Posted on July 17, 2006 by Head Yenta

Hello again, friends! Since signing off six weeks ago, the Yenta family has arrived safe and sound in Savannah, GA after a major cross country ~~adventure~~ bubbeminza.

But before I regale you with tales of Jewish experiences in the most unexpected places, let me thank the immensely gifted and resourceful Pepe Pringos for manning the helm while I was away from any wireless. His skills and perspective welcome here anytime. Muchas gracias, amigo!

Even though I was away from online Jewish life, the world itself had plenty of reminders: After packing up our home and leaving our beloved Fairfax, CA on June 20, our trusty minivan (she’s ugly, but she gets the job done) took us through Yosemite, with its stunning geology and skyscraping waterfalls, to Monument Valley, AZ, close to where this photo was taken. Kayenta, AZ is on the Navajo Indian reservation, providing us endless amusement as this Yenta searched for possible Native American cousins.

Strangely enough, we actually found some: At the tiny outpost of Four Corners the junction of Arizona, Utah, New Mexico and Colorado an Israeli flag flew proudly above one of the souvenir stalls selling turquoise necklaces, dreamcatchers and sand paintings. When I remarked to the vendor that this was a pretty unusual place to encounter an Israeli flag, he answered in the distinguished, dignified way of the Navajo that “We love Jesus, so we love Israel and all its people. We are proud to support Israel.” Rather than point out the disturbing theological paradox of this statement, I felt that I had found a comrade out in the middle of desert nowhere and bought three dreamcatchers.

It was some time before we encountered anymore Jewish symbolism as we drove through the big fat Bible Belt that squeezes America. We passed under the shadow of the largest cross in the Western Hemisphere in Texas, and shared an unfortunate stretch of highway with a woman, her two children and a “White Power” bumper sticker affixed to their white Chevy in Oklahoma. Fortunately, a visit to the William Jefferson Clinton Presidential Library in Little Rock, Arkansas restored out faith in America’s intellectual and diplomatic civility as Bill himself narrated the virtual tour of his accomplishments.

Memphis, TN made us feel right at home well, actually, the home was Elvis’. El Yenta Man broke out his zebra pants to wear at Graceland, where many Jewish-themed items were on display in the mansion, the chai necklace the King wore through most of 1977 and a kabbalistic patch. But Elvis’ Jewish roots shouldn’t surprise you at the very least, he served as one family’s Shabbos goy in his teen years.

After a detour through the gorgeous mountains of North Carolina, the minivan deposited us at Tybee Island, Georgia just in time for Fourth of July fireworks and a very special guest: Pepe Pringos himself! En route with his Canadian lady to Miami, Pepe stopped in to witness the sky show and entertain three generations with some good old-fashioned Columbian Jewish freestyle rapping. It was truly a Yenta family moment. And a shehekianu moment as well if there was ever a time to thank God for bringing us to any day, it was the day all of us arrived safe and sound from one end of the country to the other.

Now that I’m wired, I’ll see what I can do to catch up on all the Jewishy doing around the globe, which one doesn’t need a router to know that it ain’t all good news. But I’d rather take a Katushya rocket in the tushy than let the bastards get me down.

Hilarious “Borat” trailer

Posted on July 17, 2006 by Pepe Pringos

Ever since the government of Kazakhstan threatened to sue Sacha Baron Cohen after hosting MTV Europe’s award show last November, I expected future appearances of his character “Borat”to be hounded by controversy.

On Wikipedia they explain that the Kazakhstani’s president’s daughter publicly disaproves of the attempt to sue or censor Cohen for his fictional portrayals of Kazakhstan. On the other hand, Borat publicly said “I’d like to state I have no connection with Mr. Cohen and fully support my Government’s decision to sue this Jew.”

If they haven’t sued him for hosting an award show then I hope they don’t get too offended if they see the new movie trailer for the upcoming “Borat” movie. It shows some of the most controversial (yet hilarious) scenes of Kazakhstani life (according to Cohen’s character). I’m a big fan of Borat, I own a few Ali G show DVDs and I can honestly say I haven’t seen anything like this before.

If the trailer is any indication, the Borat movie will live up to its hype. Borat will travel the USA exposing anti-semitism, misogyny, and ignorance, all while making you laugh till you’re wet!

See the trailer here.

Natalie Portman will NOT be Nude… again!

Posted on July 12, 2006 by Pepe Pringos

Back in December of 2004, the Head Yenta herself promised us (then I was still a loyal reader) that the Jewish Princess of Hollywood, Natalie Portman, would be nude on a screen near you. Well it didn’t happen, her legions of fans had to settle for a thong (not too shabby, I’d say!)

I, Pepe Pringos, am sad to report that we cannot deliver the promise that the Head Yenta made two years ago (don’t shoot the messenger) that Natalie Portman was going to bear it all in the name of artistic expression, not even in the new film “Goya’s Ghosts”.

The rumor was all over the Internet this weekend but the word from Natalie Portman’s camp is that a body double will be used in the naked torture scene of the film.

Here on YoYenta.com, we aim to dispel common misconceptions that gentiles have of Jews, and one of those is that Jewish women can’t be super models or “pin-up” icons. Jewish women are among the most beautiful on earth, Ms. Portman is living proof of than and on that note… I still can’t wait to see “Goya’s Ghosts”!

Arab-Israeli wife swap gets personal

Posted on July 6, 2006 by Pepe Pringos

Trading Spouses The Times Online explains why religion and culture did NOT entirely break up the “happy homes” for their TV show experiment where an Arab and a Jewish family traded their matriarch.

I have actually seen this “Wife Swap” show (aka Trading Spouses) a few times on US television, where each episode features some extreme families on opposing ends of the sanity spectrum trading “mom” and changing a few lives in the process. But with the “Wife Swap” show now being produced in Israel, this Jewish/Arab experiment was bound to happen.

As you can imagine the Arab wife had trouble keeping Kosher while the Jewish wife stumbled with speaking Arabic. Yet, the Jewish wife in the Arabic home was able to celebrate Shabbat and get along fairly well as they took turns living under each other’s rules. On the other hand the Arabic wife in the Jewish home ended her experience pre-maturely and in tears.

Some one should post this episode up on YouTube, I’m actually curious to see how this experiment succeeded and failed at the same time.

Yo, Yenta!

From the edge of the Diaspora rises a new generation of Jewish mother

Monthly Archives: July 2006