In a tough break for the children of Orthodox Jewish families, a former grand rabbi of Israel has urged parents to amputate their dolls to avoid the perils of idolatry.
Basing the move on a Biblical ban on the possession of idols, Mordechai Eliyahu, a Sephardic rabbi, broadcast his edict on a religious radio station calling for an arm or a leg to be dismembered. In the case of a teddy bear or other stuffed animals, the children will see their beloved toys lose an ear or an eye instead.
“It is very important that these toys do not remain intact so as to remove the element of idolatry,” said Eliyahu.
Very cruel, rabbi. But this may be the excuse I’ve been seeking to succumb to my urges to pop each and every limb off the Barbie dolls strewn across the floor of my children’s room. Or maybe stab the Cabbage Patch Doll in the eye with a fork in the name of God.
Now that I’m really thinking here, I could void my home of hundreds of blank-stared Beanie Babies by putting them in a giant pillowcase and drowing them in the bathtub.
“No more stuffed animal worship!” I would scream to my sobbing children in my best Joan Crawford voice. “Go run with scissors!”
*Sigh.* I don’t actually have the heart to seize this opportunity. I still have a stuffed bunny given to me by my shaygetz high school boyfriend though it’s missing an arm and has a cigarette burn near its crotch, which the rabbi might approve of. I’m not even punk rock enough to post a photo of a really maimed doll; the Google results were just too scary.