Chanukah’s comin’, and there ain’t time to be messin’ with no broke-ass boychicks, yo.
From who else? JewishFashionConspiracy.
Wink n’ nod to DailyJews.
T-Shirt Of the Week: Gelt Digger
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Monthly Archives: December 2005
VH-1 Jumps On the J-Love Train
“So Jewtastic!,” a one-hour paean to all things Jewish, will premiere Monday, Dec. 19 at 8pm.
Further clarifying the new cultural truth that being Jewish is the hippest thing ever (omig-d! All those Cossacks and Nazis were like so wrong!), the show “will cover the trendy rise of Kabbalah, the new hip Jews in Hollywood, the marriage of Jews and hip hop, the connection between Jews and Heavy Metal and the domination of Jews in comedy. As a bonus, Jackie Mason schools the goyim on Yiddish terms that rock.
Here’s to hoping it won’t be like one of those VH-1 “Behind the Band” specials about drug-addled rock stars dredging up their careers for a comeback that Jackie keeps that defending Xmas crap to himself.
Can The Jews Save Xmas, Again?
It might be hard to tell from all the blinking lights, plastic Santas and other red-n-green chozzerai, but apparently Christmas is under attack in America.
What’s more, it’s Jews who are coming to the rescue.
Yup, Jews Against The Anti-Defamation Of Christmas even has it’s own celebrity spokesperson: None other than your bubbie’s favorite Borscht Belt comic, Jackie Mason.
(I’m definitely not telling my bubbie about this.)
First, we’re supposed to carry the retail season, and now our puny 1.5 percent of the population is standing up to protect the religious origins of a holiday celebrated by billions of people worldwide sheesh, just how much power does FOXnews think we have?
Keyboard Kitsch
For those who want to feel extra Jewish while tap-tap-tapping away, here’s “The Chosen Keyboard,” a set of stickers to transform your input into something holy.
Oh, don’t plotz no one’s asking you to actually brush up on your evreet skills: They’re English letters in a Hebrew-like font. ‘Cept the big bar at the bottom says “A Little Space Couldn’t Hurt” and the zero button on the number pad reads “bopkis.”
Makes a great, cheap gift for coworkers I might just convert the whole office (heh heh, get it?)
From the random collection of weird stuff (including Cat Butt Magnets) at BlueQ. Props to the babes at BUST for the tip.
Barbie Is One Of Us – It’s Just A Good Nose Job
I have to admit, when I first snaked an advance copy of The Tribe: An Unorthodox, Unauthorized History of the Jewish People and the Barbie Doll from work, I figured I had a cheap blog post where I could rip on the lame thesis of some post-modern feminist filmmaker wannabe. After all, Jewish goddess Ophira Edut already told Barbie “adios” a long time ago; what else is there to say?
Well, color me a dumbass. Written and directed by Tiffany Shlain (who happens to be a neighbor of mine here in the netheregions of Northern California), the film spears the conundrum of secular American Judaism through the heart and mind in just 15 shorty-short minutes, using Barbie as the ultimate assimilated Jewess. (Barbie’s creator, Ruth Handler, who based Barbie’s design on a sexy doll for German men, was the daughter of Russian-Jewish immigrants.)
Normally discussions of how Jews don’t follow tradition get depressing quickly, but “The Tribe” is full of hilarious retro clips and smart, snarky commentary. While breaking down the “sub-tribes” of Jews and their many arguments with each other, narrator Peter Coyote (another Jewish Marin neighbor) delivers the deadpan gem that “everyone agrees that Barbie doesn’t look Jewish.”
Ending with Vanessa Hidary‘s slam poem “Hebrew Mamita,” Shlain shows us Jews that we’re as iconclastic, creative and confused as ever. Better that than confined to some definition that most of us don’t fit anyway.
“The Tribe” is an absolute must-see for every Jew who ever tried taping her nose up to give it that “ski-slope” look or anyone looking to understand more of the Jewish-American experience without drowning in guilt. You can organize a screening ($40 includes the DVD plus discussion materials) for friends, families, synagogues and neighbors or check your local listings.
Photo from this funny essay at Jewish World Review.
Whatcha Doin’ 12/24?
If you’re anywhere near South Beach this solstice, best to dump whatever plans you’ve got for a mediocre Chinese meal:
Jmerica’s Eve Party 2005 promises to light up the night with chill cocktails, kickin’ DJ’s and beautiful Jews once again Saturday, Dec. 24 at Crobar. If you think it’s all hype, ask one of the 1400 boys and girls who attended last year’s bash; they’ll tell you people were still being peeled from the ceiling at dawn.
(In case you’re wondering, the Yenta did attend, but due to complications involving too much Grey Goose and one Miu Miu high-heeled sandal, I limped into a cab shortly before 1am. I’m told that’s when things really began to cook. This year, alas, I will be freezing my tuchas off on the other side of the country not enough frequent flyer miles to fly southeast this winter.)
If you’re in the Greater Miami area and you want to meet up with the other crazy Jewish Jmericans, here’s all the info you need. If you need wardrobe advice, I’m happy to help.
Where Does The Time Go?
This isn’t only an apt description of my day, complete with its traffic jams, unexpectedly talkative shop clerks and inopportune diaper changes:
It also makes a fabulous gift.
Not that I need any reminders of how little time there is left in the day.
Thank Heavens Shabbat is just around the bend. Good Shabbos, all!
Baked or Fried, It’s All Carbs To Me
The Great Latke Hamantaschen Debate sounds like a bunch of nonsense, but at least it’s academic nonsense: It began as “fireside schmooze” to give Jewish students a sense of ethnic pride in 1946, and students and professors at the University of Chicago have taken on the least pressing philosophical conundrum of our time, subjecting two famous Jewish noshes to the rigors of proof and the rules of debate every year since.
An excerpt from the lecture Consolations of Latkes by Ted Cohen:
In every possible world, there is a latke. How do we know this? By discovering that it is impossible to imagine a world in which there is no latke. Try it. First, imagine a world. Put in everything you need for a world; this is to be a whole world, not a fragment. Now add in a latke. Now take that latke out. It cannot be done, can it?
The ongoing debate now has it’s own tongue-in-cheek (and perhaps, mouth-watering) academic treatise, including papers such as “The Latkes Role in the Renaissance,” “The Hermeneutics of the Hamantash” and other high-minded logic.
Ruth Fredman Cernea, the book’s author, explains that “The things that make this what it is are so deep in Jewish tradition – being able to laugh at yourself, being able to laugh at the seriousness of life. In Jewish tradition, scholarship is serious, but it’s also irreverent.”
Spreading the Holiday Shmear
Someone had to be the first in the season to create an almost-funny Chanukah song parody, because nothing’s cuter than a singing menorah. Except maybe dogs wearing yarmulkes.
Esther wins the prize (of my undying sycophancy and a vat of latkes) for posting it first. She’s also concocted some pretty hilarious parody lyrics of her own over at Jewlicious.
Update:
Since I’ve found out that the video was created last year by none other than Leslie Bunder, the hard-working mensch behind SomethingJewishUK, DailyJews and heaven knows what else, I’ve decided that it’s really a pretty adorable creation and I’m just a cranky ol’ hag. Bah Chanukah-bug on me.
David Bowie, Jewish?
Someone with good intentions forwarded to me one of those “Look Who’s Jewish!” pep-talks to alert the world that our kind makes up an absurdly high percentage of Nobel prizewinners and movie producers, just in case any of us out there are feeling down about crap jobs/bank account blues/relationship woes. It’s published “as is” below for those of you with the curiosity and time to read it.
Frankly, these lists make me nervous; Isn’t that what the hate site cretins do? This one is longer than usual and full of questionable “facts” that almost sound like propaganda, essentially proving that Jews do control the world. (Please comment on what you know to be true or not; I haven’t the time to check out all of them.)
Anyway, I don’t want to hear about any more Jews making millions of dollars or curing diseases or directing humankind it’s just too much pressure. All those successful Jews! How’s that supposed to make us mediocre Jews barely scraping by supposed to feel? It’s not enough we’re supposed to find compatible Jewish mates, pay through the tonsils to give our kids a Jewish education (not to mention continue our own) and keep at least eight of the Ten Commandments at any given time, but we’ve got to do something fantastic and spectacular in our careers besides? Man, it sucks being Chosen sometimes.
If there actually was an International Jewish Conspiracy (funny site, check it out), I damn sure wouldn’t be sitting here under a leaky roof in holey socks.
“IMAGINE, THE WHOLE WORLD IS JEWISH”
“1. Lillian Friedman married Cruz Rivera. They named their baby, Geraldo Miguel Rivera.( Funny, it doesn’t sound Jewish….) Since, according to Jewish law, anyone born to a Jewish mother is Jewish, Geraldo Rivera is Jewish. [Some of us have been told that his real name is “Jerry Rivers,” but Snopes.com says it ain’t so.]
2. Fiorella Laguardia’s mother’s name was Jacobson. His father was not Jewish. Laguardia spoke seven languages – including Hebrew and Yiddish – fluently.
3. Winston Churchill’s mother’s name was Jenny Jerome. [YENTA ASKS: Does anyone know how this is relevant?]
4. Cary Grant’s mother, Elsie, was Jewish. His father, Elias Leach, was not. Grant’s original name was Archibald Alexander Leach. (Robin Leach is his first cousin).
5. Peter Sellers’ mother, Margaret Marks, was Jewish. His father, Bill Sellers, was Protestant. Peter’s real name is Richard Henry Sellers.
6. David Bowie’s mother is Jewish, his father is not. One of Bowie’s album covers discusses his Jewish ancestry. His real name: David Stenton Haywood-Jones. Continue reading