Ham Dammit

The Israeli Supreme Court has issued the verdict: Pork can be bought and sold in the Jewish State. We may not keep strictly kosher, but one of the enjoyable things about being a bad Jew is feeling guilty about the occasional piece of [i]trayf[/i]. Now what do we have?

Pulp Fiction, 1994:
Vincent: Want some bacon?
Jules: No man, I don’t eat pork.
Vincent: Are you Jewish?
Jules: Nah, I ain’t Jewish, I just don’t dig on swine, that’s all.
Vincent: Why not?
Jules: Pigs are filthy animals. I don’t eat filthy animals.
Vincent: Bacon tastes gooood. Pork chops taste gooood.
Jules: Hey, sewer rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I’d never know ’cause I wouldn’t eat the filthy motherf—-r. Pigs sleep and root in s–t. That’s a filthy animal. I ain’t eat nothin’ that ain’t got enough sense enough to disregard its own feces.

‘Nuf said.

‘South Park’ Blasphemes For Eighth Season

user submitted pictureWe wouldn’t say we worship at the feet of Matt Stone and Trey Parker, because they’re obviously freaks.
user submitted picture
But the creators of those little cardboard boys of South Park have the whole country cackling at Jews, Jesus, Satan and poo for the eighth straight season. Not bad for a cartoon that appears to be contructed by special-ed third-graders.
When asked by the Wichita Eagle (yes, Dorothy, they do have cable in Kansas) why religion remains such a favorite victim of vicious satire, Stone, who describes himself as an “athiest Jew,” replied: “Religion is funny.”

Always Been “J”; Now She’s “K”?

user submitted picture Barbra Streisand has been spotted at the L.A. Kabbalah Center, apparently the hippest place in Hollywood these days. Whether the Kabbalah Center is a money-manipulating cult preying on people’s spiritual weaknesses or a valid way to to pray is still up for debate; most still dismiss it as the former. But we respect Babs, who is reported to be a bit stingy with her money and wouldn’t support something she thought was bunk.

Yo Yenta! Advice: Laying Down the “Pimp Hat”

Yo, Yenta! Advice Yo, Yenta!
I have a friend who met a girl who he’d consider settling down with but he still feels like he has more partying and exploring to do before he reaches that point. He doesn’t want to risk losing the possibility of being with the girl, so when do you suggest it’s the right time to settle down and lay down the “pimp” hat for good? Also how would he know if that girl IS the right one for him?

– Pimpin’ Player, Miami, FL

Yo, Pimpin’ Player: You, I mean, your friend (*wink, wink*) suffers from a run-of-the-mill case of Male Commitment Disease, an affliction that causes a guy to be distracted by passing skirts and high heels no matter how gorgeous and special the woman sitting Continue reading

Is There a Stereotype for Jewish Fathers?

user submitted pictureJon Moskowitz of the Forward (sign up for an online subcription; it’s free) muses on the role of Dad in our tribe: stoic patriarch or a Jewish mother’s right hand man who’d better know when to keep his mouth shut?
“What exactly does it mean to be a Jewish father? If I’ve read Philip Roth and Woody Allen correctly, to be a Jewish father is to be a bit player next to the incandescent and awe-inspiring figure of the Jewish Mother, that smothering, guilt-inducing, matzo-ball-soup-making superstar of the Jewish family unit.”
Hey- we resent that.
Happy Father’s Day to all the papas out there, especially Skip Feinstein in Tempe, AZ. Love ya, Dad!

Just For the Challah’ve It

user submitted pictureUsually we buy a golden loaf from some fancy-shmancy bakery in the city to round out our Shabbos dinner, but today feels like a DIY kind of day. We like this recipe because its author describes it as “for the working woman or homemaker,” which doesn’t mean it’s not for dudes, only that it’s a sure bet for kitchen-challenged Jews.
BTW, we had to scroll through five Google pages to find a recipe that wasn’t low-carb, wheat-free or didn’t require a bread machine. What’s up with that?

Peer Pressure

user submitted pictureTeen Hollywood reports (sorry, we’ve been trolling the trashy sites today) that Madonna is actively seeking converts to Kabbalah. Madonna (who is requesting that people address her as ‘Esther’ nowadays) called up new mother Gwyenth Paltrow and tried celebrity-bully her into joining up. Gwyenth told to her shove her red string where the eternal light don’t shine, so to speak. Madge’s got the pushy Jewish mother thing down, but somebody please tell her that proselytizing isn’t our style.
In the meantime, Esther’s husband extols the virtues of Kabbalah, saying it’s just about being a decent person. “Put it this way, I’ve never met a kabbalahist [sic] who is a c***.”
Charming. We’re sure old Rabbi Akiva and the other ancient mystics defined a decent person as someone who uses the ‘C’ word to an interviewer and makes culty phone calls.

Hollywood’s Secret Power Couple

user submitted picture…so reads the headline of this wee’s Star above this article about Rhea Perlman and Danny DeVito. The secret is that one of them stands on the other’s shoulders and pretends to be Rob Reiner.
Rhea and Danny, in spite of their prickly onscreen personalities, have been together for 34 years and are still “head over heels in love,” (what else can you expect from tabloid crap other than lame cliches?) They have three kids, own two fabulous homes and manipulate Tinseltown with might and power. Sounds like the Jewish American Dream come true, eh?