Madonna is Backstabbing Bitch

Madonna reportedly has dumped her best friend Debi Mazar (the big-lipped, blue-eyed actress whose biggest celebrity claim has been being Madonna’s best friend) because Debbie don’t do Kabbalah. Madge now prefers the company of fellow Kabbalah Blah Blah Britney Spears, because they can discuss sacred texts after they make out in public. What else are friends for?

Demi and Ashton Are Getting Hitched Under the Chuppah?

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutchner celebrated Passover in some chi-chi hotel and are planning a Kabbalah wedding. We at Jmerica firmly believe Ashton is gayer than Richard Simmons in a rainbow suit and that this is a publicity stunt gone mad. You may be pshawing now, but you’ll remember this when the sex scandal involving him and Carson from [i]Queer Eye For the Straight Guy[i]’s Carson Kressley hits the newsstands.