Cream of this week’s j. jokes:

Girls night

Four Jewish bubbies convene for their weekly mah jongg game, going on 20 years.

The first bubbie says, “You know, girls, I’ve known you all for a long time and there’s something I must get off my chest. I’m a kleptomaniac. But don’t worry, I’ve never stolen from you and I never will — we’ve been friends for too long.”

The second bubbie says, “Well, since we’re having true confessions here, I’ve got one, too. I’m a nymphomaniac. But don’t worry, I’ve never hit on your husbands — we’ve have been friends for too long.”

“Well,” says the third bubbie, “I too must confess something. I am a lesbian. But don’t worry, I would never jeopardize our weekly game by introducing romance — we’ve been friends too long.”

The fourth bubbie throws down her tiles, stands up and grabs her coat. “I have a confession, also. I am a yenta and I have some phone calls to make.”

A little simple animation goes a long way: check out this cartoon joke (safe for work – it’s clean!)

Thanks, Jewschool.

One of my editorial taks at j. is to compile a weekly column of Jewish jokes. It’s a lot more challenging than is seems because most of them are too dirty, self-loathing, stupid or otherwise inappropriate for the demographic.

But this one’s clean and clever, with the added bonus of being a Top 10 List. And I think Kinky would like it, too.

The Top 10 Jewish Country Songs

1. “I Was One of the Chosen People (’Til She Chose Somebody Else)”

2. “Honky Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights”

3. “I’ve Got My Foot on the Glass, Where Are You?”

4. “My Rowdy Friend Elijah’s Coming Over Tonight”

5. “New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament”

6. “Stand by Your Mensch”

7. “Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes”

8. “I Balanced Your Books, but You’re Breakin’ My Heart”

9. “My Darlin’s a Shmendrick and I’m All Verklempt”

10. “Mamas Don’t Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys (When They Could Very Easily Have Just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business That My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father Built Up Over Years of Effort Which Apparently Doesn’t Mean Anything Now That You’re Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)”

Proving you can find anything on Craigslist if you only try.

From the Nov. 15, 2005 ad: Hot Jewish girls looking to piss off parents, apply within

“Are you hot, Jewish and looking to piss off your parents?
Then look no further…
What I have to offer is the Total Parental Approval Annihilation Package.

(Bring me home and your parents will give you a new car just
to dump me, guaranteed.)

Package includes:

* One bitter Drunk (fine single malt scotch not included).

* Many highly visible tattoos.

* Tasteless jokes and poor table manners.

* Numerous mispronunciations and cultural insensitivities like “Chan-a-ka”
and the irrepressible “Ch-al-la bread”.

* and much Continue reading →

Top Ten Signs You’re At A Lame Chanukah Party, courtesy of Bangitout.com (cartoon, too!):

10. The Sfuganiot are filled with something, but it sure ain’t jelly

9. You get there and it’s just you, a plate of latkes, and a guy dressed up as Santa.

8. The music stops until Joe Lieberman rehits the Demo button on the Casio keyboard

7. Menorah looks alot like a bunch of flash lights duck-taped to a car bumper

6. Host generously offers his cigarette as a shamash

5. Party is dubbed “Saddam Hussein’s Rockin’ Eve”

4. Immediately after the candlelighting party breaks into a 2 hour awkward silence

3. Latkes are served in a soup bowl with a ladle

2. The guys in the room have enough grease in their hair to keep a menorah burning all year round.

1. Alas, there was not enough alcohol to last for even one night.

A few more, courtesy of the Yenta:

* There’s a giant inflatable Winnie the Pooh hovering in the corner — wearing a Santa hat

* You ask for something to wash down the latkes — and someone hands you a mug of eggnog

* The shumash sets the Chrismukkah tree on fire

Feel free to come up with more — double the points if they’re based on true life experiences (as two out of the three above are).

This joke can’t be new, but it’s new to me and hopefully to you, too:

In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the kotel to pray twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.

“Like I’m talking to a f*ckn’ wall.”

See? Kinda funny, kinda sad. Hat tip to my hubby.

If you like, you can talk to the Wall here.