Same thing I been sayin’ for years, only this says it with way better deadpan.

You are registered to vote, right?

Three years ago (to the day!) I reported that Israeli researchers had germinated a 2000 year-old seed excavated at Masada, the stronghold of Jewish fortitude. The botanists called the lil’ sprout “Methuseleh” for that super old dude in the Torah, and nurtured it with fertlizer and love.

The green thumbing paid off, ’cause now that seed – the oldest to have ever sprung a shoot in captivity – is now a healthy date sapling standing about 1 1/2 meters high (that’s almost five feet – taller than my oldest kid!) This raises the possibility of resurrecting a long-extinct species famous for its large, sweet fruit and perhaps using dates for medical properties – ancient texts say they were used “to treat tuberculosis, heart problems, worms and infections.”

I’m a tree-hugger anyway, but the fact that this seed came from the site that symbolizes Jewish strength and integrity makes it all the more worthy of reverence. Tree of life, indeed.

*Hat tip to Pepe Pringos for the update!

Number One: After last month’s raid on illlegal workers at the U.S.’s largest kosher slaughterhouse, kosher meat’s been in short supply lately. Think the price of gas is high? Try a $25 chicken.

Worse yet, there’s kosher beef circulating that’s so old it knows Phyllis Diller: JTA reported yesterday that one summer camp received a shipment two years past its expiration date. Blecch.

Number Two: Even though Stephen Colbert recently encouraged the Jews to grab some six-foot forks and tuck into a nice plate of kosher giraffe, could you eat this punim?

Number Three: ‘Cause Tempeh Stroganoff rocks! Plus, you can have ice cream for dessert.

A restful, low-cholesterol Shabbat to all!

A fellow blogger asked me the other day why I was ignoring Adam Sandler’s new movie. C’mon, an Israeli superhero-turned-hairstylist who can pull off both meanings of the term “razor cut?”

But, eh, the reviews, not so good. Even our people don’t love it.

I’d rather read.

WTF? Potty-mouthed Sarah Silverman’s sister is…a rabbi? Meshuggeh to the max, yo. You gotta read Reb Silverman’s take on her wack sibling in this week’s j.

Kvells! My mama, Marcia Fine, is up for yet another national book award for her memoir Paper Children, a multi-generational tale of three Jewish women finding their identities as the world changes around them. Even El Yenta Man loved it, and he never finishes anything longer than Newsweek. You can order it here, and while you’re at it, go ahead and order The Blind Eye, her fascinating historical novel about Jewish family escaping the Inquisition in 15th-century Portugal.

And check out my amazing mother at the Los Angeles Book Fair with none other than everyone’s favorite sex therapist, Dr. Ruth Westheimer! I don’t even want to know what a conversation between these two could have entailed – the Sephardic history of sex toys? Sex Tips from the Pentateuch? Whatever, I’m sure it was too hot to handle.

(Did you know that besides being a super expert on all things kinky, horny and hot, the good doctor is also a documentary filmmaker and served in the Haganah at 17?)

I wanna be these people when I grow up. If this what 60 and beyond is all about, I’m so down.

From the West Australian:

An Israeli tourist tired of wolf whistles from road workers in New Zealand stripped off her clothes in a show of defiance, police say.

“She gave the explanation that she had been … pestered by New Zealand men. She’s not an unattractive looking lady,” Masters said. “She was taken back to the police station and spoken to and told that was inappropriate in New Zealand.”

Would this be appropriate in Israel, then? What do the locals do if someone grabasses them on Beb Yehuda – perform a pole dance routine?

Not sure how I feel about this meshuggeneh woman. I’m all for giving the finger – or picking one’s nose – in response to catcalls and wolfwhistles, but isn’t giving stupid horny men what they actually wanted (and never dreamed they were gonna get) only going to encourage them?

Have I told y’all about how our neurotic dog? She has the most amazing spaz every time someone touches the mail slot – just the slightest rattle will send her into a yelping, demonic seizure that leaves her hyperventilating for an hour. Trust me, it is a FREAK SHOW. I’m worried she’s going to have a little pug heart attack, but not as much as I am that she’s going to eat our tax rebate check.

I consulted Cesar Millan’s site, but it was useless. I don’t need any of this “pack leader” nonsense – I just want to read a copy of Newsweek without Anna Quindlan’s column shredded!

Then I came across this book and thought “Finally, someone who understands the challenges of raising a meshuggeh Jewish dog in a Christian-dominant culture. Maybe I can learn to strap some tefillin to her collar so she’ll chill the hell out.”

Alas, the Rabbis of the Boca Raton Theological Seminary don’t actually exist. This book is entirely satire. And here I thought using guilt and shame was going to work.

*ruff*. Meanwhile, Clarabell just ate the power bill.

Alysa Stanton-Ogulnick is proud to be black, proud to be a woman and proud to be a 45-year-old single mother who raised her adopted child on her own. And when she’s ordained by the Hebrew Union College-Jewish Institute of Religion next May, she’ll be the world’s first black female rabbi. Read the rest of her amazing JTA story here.

I already love her because she’s dedicated to living Jewishly in an authentic, creative way, but the fact that she recently shed over a hundred pounds gives her an ability to relate to people’s real issues that is going to serve her future congregation well. I predict Reb Stanton-Ogulnick will attract many Jews who have dropped out of sight from synagogue back to the fold – ’cause everyone adores an outlaw.

Check me out with my homegirls from the JEA Senior Lunch!

That’s Minda in the Betty Boop gear, Ms. Dorothy on my left, and the one trying to steal my cane is Flora. (See how she’s trying to hook my sh*t? I was all “Step off, old woman – I will cut you.”)

I’ve gotten tons of love for my orthopedic cane with the pink roses – especially when I wear my matching fedora. I look like a Laura Ashley-pushing pimp selling black market hearing aids.