Laugh Last, Laugh Best

cartoonJust when you thought you’d heard everything that’s come from Muhammed caricatures, Iranian overreaction and Holocaust denying, here comes the very first Israeli Anti-Semitic cartoon contest.

The idea that no one can rip us like we rip ourselves is somehow protective, I suppose. And I’m down with a little self-referential self-deprecation for irony’s sake, but the gallery shows that not so many Jews are skilled with an ironic twist of the ink. Out of 10 entries, only the one about Hitler, Ghandi and MLK has a tasty sardonic flavor.

The contest deadline is March 5 and is open to tribe members only. But how do the judges tell the difference between faux anti-Semitism and the real kind? Is there a Torah quiz upon submission?

Happy Birthday, Presidents of Yore

lincoln memorialWho’s your favorite American head of state? (Really, there aren’t so many quality choices, are there? Either they get killed or some disgrace topples them, like Fatty Taft getting stuck in a bathtub.)

The baby boomers I know always say Kennedy, possibly for the nostalgia they feel for experiencing the tragedy of his assassination. Or maybe because the conspiracy theories are just too fascinating.

I’ve always been a Lincoln fan, myself. Even as a kid, I judged Washington to be a little too military for my tastes, though the whole-bandaged-feet-in-winter while fighting for independence tugged at my third grade heartstrings. And given the recent research of Honest Abe’s likely Jewish ancestry coupled with his wisdom, kindness and refusal to play in the pigpen with the other politicians of his time, he simple rises to the top of the 43 men who have lead this country. (Again, the pool of choices is seriously lacking.)

Even the rabbis hold up Abraham Lincoln, who made it a law that all people could live free, as their favorite: Rabbi Aryeh Clapper even says that if he could have the whole world learn one quote, it wouldn’t be from the Torah— it would be from Lincoln’s Second Inaugural address.

It’s a mystery who No. 44 will be come 2008, but let’s hope and pray that man or woman has half the integrity.

Nick Lachey, You’re Not Alone In Your Anger

adamjessica simpsonThe following information ruined what was a very relaxing haircut: Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine is officially dating the talentless publicity-starved skanktart whose name shall never taint this space.

I’m sorry y’all, I’m not trying to ruin anyone’s day, but a girl’s gotta process her angst over losing yet another sexy Jewish man to yet another Christian music shiksa. Mandy Moore may be annoying, this bleached blond adultress person is downright offensive.

Please, try — as I will — to find your inner peace over this as Shabbat descends upon the land.

Not On My Netflix List

buseyHave your heard about Valley of the Wolves: Iraq? It’s a charming piece of Turkish production depicting U.S. troops commiting all manner of atrocities and stars real life psycho Gary Busey as a Jewish doctor who harvests organs out of Abu Ghraib prisoners.

You can bet Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s propping his feet up with a big bowl of popcorn.

Tom Tugend of JPost has more to say about it.

Hillel Top 10

collegeThough the Yenta’s free-spirited, beer-soaked college days are long gone (as a creative writing major, I remember being so proud of my first “laptop” — it was an HP the size of Samsonite suitcase and weighed as much as one filled with Norton anthologies), this information might be useful to those looking to scam on Jewish co-eds and for ambitious mothers planning in advance.

Hillel’s Top 10 Jewish Schools

Top 10 Public Universities
1. University of Maryland, College Park; University of Florida, Gainesville (5,400)
2. Rutgers University, New Brunswick (5,000)
3. University of Central Florida (4,500)
4. University of Michigan, Ann Arbor; Pennsylvania State University, University Park; University of Wisconsin, Madison (4,000)
5. California State University, Northridge; Florida State University; University of Texas, Austin (3,800)
6. University at Albany; Florida International University (3,500)

Top 10 Private Universities

1. New York University (6,500)
2. Boston University (4,000)
3. Cornell University (3,500)
4. The George Washington University; University of Pennsylvania; Yeshiva University (2,800)
5. Syracuse University (2,500)
6. Columbia University; Emory University; Harvard University; Tulane University (2,000)

I can’t believe my alma mater didn’t make the list; it’s always referred to as “Jew of A” by tribe members and non-members alike.

And where’s Brandeis University? How can there possibly be more Jews at the University of flippin’ Wisconsin than there?

natHats off to The Yada Blog for mining this gem on Defamer:

Blissfully unaware of the unpleasant undertones of a young Jewish girl addressing a roomful of Germans about the varied pleasures of having one’s hair shaved off, Natalie Portman recently told a group of reporters at the Berlin International Film Festival how much she enjoyed going follicle free for the shooting of V for Vendetta.

And while I’m tipping my hat to other bloggers more resourceful than I today, here’s to Jewschool for posting your favorite cartoon characters doing what they can to piss off Islam.

Gain An Inch, Lose Your Mind?

While trolling Ynetnews I came across the obvious and largely irrelevant item that a group of Israeli researchers has determined that the majority of penis enlargement recipients are dissatisfied.

In fact, the urologists interviewed recommended rather than believing the hype and spam about the procedure, men with inferior wee-wees would do better to seek professional counseling.

I say creative expression is the answer. The question is, when is some enterprising guy going to pen a one-man show for Broadway about these issues? He could call it The Penis Soliloquies. Or Dick Dramas. Or make up your own: [Your favorite penis synonym] + [another word for “monologue”.]

eve enslerSpeaking of the play that brought the correct word for female genitalia back to the dinner table, The Vagina Monologues‘ creator Eve Ensler has a new show that takes her quick wit and wisdom out of her crotch to emcompass the rest of her:

According to the Reuters review, The Good Body Ensler takes on body image and the pervasive cultural dysfunction that women must be thin to be considered beautiful. (Right, we’re the richest country in the world, but it’s only after visiting Third World countries that she finds any kind of social acceptance for the round female form.)

Ensler probably won’t get as much play from this one since vaginas have so much more cachet than the continuing assault of “thin = valuable, fat = worthless piece of crap” messages in the media, but bless her for keeping the defense alive. The subject matter is still relevant — it’s not like someone’s discovered a cure for eating disorders and poor self-esteem in teenage girls or that big women have suddenly become revered as our society’s mainstream sexual image.

Nothing bums me out more than to hear a gorgeous, intelligent woman reveal her insecurities about her body, as if a big ass or belly roll cancels out all her other accomplishments. And I get on my own nerves endlessly as I obsess about the cellulite patches on my thighs and the loose skin under my bellybutton that looks like a cat played a not-so-gentle game of shred-the-mouse with it, because dontcha know, after having two kids, you’re supposed to look like this.

So you keep on monlogue-ing about vaginas and fat armpits, Eve Ensler, you rock.

And dudes, you’re being too quiet about your insecurities. Take that small putz and start a revolution.

Yeah, And I Double Dare You

ahmadinejadGermany’s oldest Muslim institute has issued a dare to Iranian head moron president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to visit Auschwitz.

“In this place of horror he can again deny the Holocaust, if he has the courage,” said a spokesman for the Islam-Archiv-Deutschland Central Institute in response to Ahmadinejad’s public claim that the Nazis’ government-sponsored genocide was a “myth.”

Good to hear some sanity from the moderate corner of the Islamic cupboard! I’m sure they’ve been trying to speak up, but the din in the kitchen is out of control.

He Was A Good Little Monkey…

curious george…but way too curious for his own damn good, as you can see. And in spite of being mute, Curious George is causing his usual mischief:

This cheeky article chronicles all the ways the spunky primate violates the codes of politically correctness (Imperialism! Animal abuse! Bad parenting!) and reveals that George is indeed a member of the tribe.

In fact, the story of how his German Jewish creators, H.A. and Margaret Rey, escaped Paris on bicycles just as the Nazis were closing in may have inspired their monkey’s devil-may-care attitude in the seven books they authored and illustrated.

(Sadly, Allan Shalleck, the man who took up the Curious George torch to co-author 28 more books, was murdered last week in an apparent robbery.)

Speaking of mischievous monkeys, I’m still planning to make the big screen Curious George (opens Friday, watch the trailer) the first theater experience for my two-year-old. If I have to choose between political correctness and one of my homies, you know which way I’m gonna go.