Quick, Chag Sameach!

speedy gonzalesIt’s a bizzy day at the Yenta house, what with carb-packing with errant chametz (I’ve eaten half a box of Fig Newtons, a bagel and a leftover health-food pop-tart from my son’s lunchbox in the last half hour) and readying the family to make the shlep south for seder. (Next year at my house, bubbie!)

In the meantime, I promise you will love Michael Rubiner’s Two-Minute Haggadah, courtesy of Slate.com (hat tip to Joe at j.):

Opening prayers:

Thanks, God, for creating wine. (Drink wine.)
Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)

Overview:
Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we’re free. That’s why we’re doing this.

Four questions:
1. What’s up with the matzoh?
2. What’s the deal with horseradish?
3. What’s with the dipping of the herbs?
4. What’s this whole slouching at the table business?

Answers:
1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent bread.
2. Life was bitter, like horseradish.
3. It’s called symbolism.
4. Free people get to slouch.

A funny story:
Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was morning. (Heat soup now.)

The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:
Wise child—explain Passover.
Simple child—explain Passover slowly.
Silent child—explain Passover loudly.
Wicked child—browbeat in front of the relatives.

Speaking of children:
We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.

The story of Passover: It’s a long time ago. We’re slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh is a nightmare. We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzoh. God parts the Red Sea. We make it through; the Egyptians aren’t so lucky. We wander 40 years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again. (Let brisket cool now.)
The 10 Plagues: Blood, Frogs, Lice—you name it.

The singing of “Dayenu”:
If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it would’ve been enough. If he’d punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea, if would’ve been enough.

If he’d parted the Red Sea—(Remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now.)

Eat matzoh. Drink more wine. Slouch.

Thanks again, God, for everything.

SERVE MEAL.

Michael Rubiner writes for movies and television. His work has appeared in many publications, including The New Yorker, the New York Times, and Rolling Stone.

6 thoughts on “Quick, Chag Sameach!

  1. From 4 hours down to two-minutes, this is a must read and a must-see…

    Thanks Yenta, always the one to enlighten us and have a great time this week!

  2. Manischewitz,
    Could we have used that 2 min hagaddah last night or what!

    3000 years ago the Jews suffered, so I gotta sit through 3 hours of Jewish biblical analytical psychobabble. For G-d’s sake can’t we acknowledge that they were in hurry without having to eat what they ate? I mean you don’t see the goyem nailing each other to a cross and inviting leperers to dinner. I say we stop eating matza and celebrate we are free by eating the foods of a free people….like lobster! Or Paschal cheese steak sandwiches.

    Yeh, passover the melted butter my chilled shrimp cocktail is getting warm and the key lime pie is lookin good. Thank G-d for key lime pie!

  3. So my wife and I had the yearly conversation about hiding the easter basket…she’s not Jewish. I wish I could have used the “We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks” line–love it!

  4. I just found your site and this killed me. I’m not Jewish, but recovering Catholic, and I’ve been adopted by my friend’s Jewish family. I’ve been to a few seders in the last few years, and a 2-minute haggadah would have been welcome! I’m suggesting this for next year! PS: No, the goyem do not nail each other to crosses. they eat Jellybeans and colored eggs and all sorts of unrelated-to-the-holiday mess. At least the haggadah has meaning.

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