The Yenta Will Return Shortly

*Dearest readers, the Yenta has been occupied with the full spectrum of familial issues, which I would regale you with except that it would only come off as extreme kvetching. Please enjoy the following care of Weird Jews while I deal with the difficulties. Call your mother today and thank her for dealing with the tsursis of your own adolescent bima days. Photo courtesy of Bar Mitzvah Disco.
The “Truth in Advertising” Bar Mitzvah Invitation

In keeping up with the Rosens and the Abelsons

It is with great stress, emotional and physical fatigue,
and incredible financial sacrifice beyond comprehension that
We invite you to join us as our wonderful son Jacob Adamis called to the Torah as a Bar Mitzvah Saturday, May 12th (yes, we realize it's Mother's Day Weekend)

Temple Israel 14 Coleytown Road Westport, Connecticut 06880 at the ungodly hour of 9 a.m. even though you don't really need to be there until 10:20 a.m. to catch the real action

If you make it through the three-hour service, please skip the kiddush (it's just cookies and cake)
and join us instead for an overly large and ostentatious Kosher (my husband's idea)
Dinner at 7 p.m. (not 8 p.m. or you'll miss out on the 2000 canapes)
Birchwood Country Club
25 Kings Hwy S
Westport, CT 06880
(which we had to join just for this event and you would not believe the initiation fees)

You will be in the presence of lots of boisterous and expensive entertainment and 60 to 70 unruly pre-teens wearing expensive dresses, funny hats, fake bling, and white ankle socks as well as 80-100 middle aged+ adults, some balding, some with bad toupees
Most will be professionally coiffed, designer attire galore, lots of REAL bling
Most will also be toasted to the nines
At least 1/3 will be hormonally challenged and some will act stupid while under the influence
Some will not even know where or who they are.
Some will complain about the food. Blah Blah Blah.

Please have the courtesy of showing up if you RSVP that you are attending.
You will be billed for $65.00 a plate if you are a no-show.
Please RSVP as soon as you get this and not a day before the cut-off date. I can't take the stress.

The gift of choice is either green or contains a routing and account number
"Off the top of your head" gifts and gift cards are a waste of your time and ours

Hope you can make it!
Lisa and David Miller

Dress: Black Tie optional
Theme: 007 James Bond

BYO Kippot. I don't have the strength

2 thoughts on “The Yenta Will Return Shortly

  1. Darn. I just ordered my adult bat mitzvah invitations and only had 14 lines of text available.

    I’ll know better when I have kids and I’m just gonna copy & paste this one. Thanks for the giggle.

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