Sure, this could be a post about Anthony(‘s) Weiner. I must be teetering over the edge of a hugely un-hip middle age, because all I could think about yesterday during Breitbart’s sadistic unveiling and the congressman’s teary, embarrassing press conference was “Oh, his poor mother.”
Why must it be so difficult for people in committed relationships—not only high-profile politicians with ambitions—to comprehend that sending nudie photos to anyone other than your partner is NEVER a good idea? What kind of idiot DOESN’T think that they will not get caught?
Damn, even sending mildly suggestive photos to your OWN spouse warrants a level of technological stealth. I found this out yesterday when El Yenta Man thought it would be ha-larious to send his own Weiner-ish text while Yenta Boy was playing Angry Birds on my iPhone. Fortunately, I snatched the phone before he got a good look, and as far as any of you know, that was Daddy’s elbow wrapped up in an Ace bandage after a cortisone shot.
But ya know, there’s bad cheesy and good cheesy. And it’s that time of year for the good cheese: The holiday of Shavuot starts tonight, which commemorates the giving of the Torah on Mount Sinai. It takes place exactly seven weeks after Passover, and the connection is significant because while Passover “freed us physically from bondage, the giving of the Torah on Shavu’ot redeemed us spiritually from our bondage to idolatry and immorality.”
The way to celebrate is to stay up all night discussing Jewish texts—it’s traditional to read the Book of Ruth, perhaps in part because of all the images of barley and crops and fields that remind us how summer is starting to push out all the goodies in the garden. The food component of the holiday (we are Jews, and there is ALWAYS a food component) is to mack hard on dairy dishes: Since this is the day the laws of kosher eating were passed down, the Israelites present were all, “what do you mean, we gotta do what to the cow now before we eat it? And we gotta sterilize all the knives and sh*t? Forget it, we’ve having bean and cheese burritos for dinner.”
Um, wait, that might have been me. And in case you hadn’t figured it out by now, you should in no way take me as any kind of halachic source. Better you should do some real research.
Anyway, tonight’s the night to get your blintz on! And your cheesecake. And yer fondue, ice cream sundaes and Sepharic burekas (which I’ve never had the pleasure of meeting, but one day I will and there will be a scarfdown.) No, NOT a holiday for the lactose-intolerant.
And what about the other cheese? Poor Anthony, he’s made a terrible mess of moving his, hasn’t he? Next time he decides to post some cheesecake pictures of himself, they’d better be to his wife.