No Dog Hair On the Sofa in God’s House?

I’ve always been weirdly fascinated with the Rapture (you may remember my first introduction to Jesus’ promise to disappear the really decent people from the planet while the rest of us losers wallow in the treacly soup caused by greed, global warming and sodomy.)

I’ve already scoped out all the stuff my super-Christy neighbors’ will leave behind (I call the gazebo in the backyard, you can have the rest of their Wal-Mart chozzerai, and then we’ll have the most colossal yard sale ever, yo!) but it’s never occurred to me what will happen to their pets when their owners float heavenward. As the New Testament is quite clear that one must accept Jesus as one’s savior in order to catch a ride on the Rapture roller coaster and animals are obviously unable to that, who is going to take these furry creatures in? Will thousands – millions? – of deserted cats and dogs and Chinese water dragons descend upon the alleys eating garbage and each other until finally the rest of us forgotten souls are killed off by flea bites? I’m an animal lover and all, but the neighbor’s dog is a kind of gross yappy terrier named “Puddles” who lunges at our Clarabell and I just think we’re going to have enough of our own post-Apocalyptic problems, okay?

Thank the Lord, someone else is prepared to take in all the little abandoned pets – for a small fee, of course. From the Best of Craig’s List (a fine way to while away one’s time, before and after the Second Coming):

Your Pets Will Not Be Flagged For Removal By Jesus During the Rapture

[…] I am here to offer you pet care service for after the rapture. As an atheist, I will surely still be here on this earth post rapture and would love to look after your pets … You will be able to look down on them from heaven and see them being well cared for by me and living happy, healthy lives. Do not let my atheism scare you! I am a moral and loving pet owner and would never do harm to any animal.

For a small deposit of only $50, you can be assured that your pets will be well cared for from the time that you are raptured until the end of their natural life. They will get adequate amounts of food, water, and shelter as well as plenty of exercise and socialization as I would imagine there will be a lot of pets that will be abandoned by Jesus the pet hater that will need to be cared for … $50 is only a small price to pay to know that while you are enjoying everlasting bliss, your pets will be cared for until their end days. Thanks and have a great day!

Full Craig’s List post here.

7 thoughts on “No Dog Hair On the Sofa in God’s House?

  1. I haven’t made a study of the Rapture at all. Besides the End-of-Times animal sitter, has anyone come up with some sort of check list of what will be left behind? Or does everything just go into some landfill of the damned. Will we have time to dress?

    I think there are quite a few questions that need to be addressed before the actual Event.

  2. True story. I’m a nurse and was visiting a patient at one of the local convents and stopped to talk to one of the other sisters who was sitting outside her room. We got into a discussion about heaven (go figure) and pets, and I told her that we’d have to agree to disagree on the whole dogs don’t go to heaven thing. I must have had too much caffeine that day because I went so far as to say that I don’t particularly want to go to a heaven that my animals can’t hang in. Sister gave me this blank stare and said, “you are a Catholic, yes?” I said yes sister, lowered my eyes to the floor and took my disgraced behind down the hallway. There aren’t enough Hail Marys or Our Fathers to say to get over disappointing a nun lol. So I guess it’s me, all of my deceased pets (of which the numbers are legion) and the PETA folks toasting marshmellows in the here after. :D.

  3. How is the Craig’s List guy going to take care of all the animals if they’re locked up inside their homes?

    He should have asked for a copy of their house keys too….to be kept in a safe place.

  4. Franki ~
    Girl, me, you, my pug and your doggies can cavort together in the fields of purgatory…I’ll bring the scooby snacks.

    Paul ~ The logistics of this are, of course, ridiculous. I mean, is pick-up included? What’s the radius?

  5. Pick up would have to be included, because, you know, there’s no alternative.

    Regarding the radius problem, we should all go into this business! I wonder if the Craig’s List guy is working on franchises.

  6. Hey there , does anybody know quality pup sitting providers sites ? I will be considering this 1 although my husband and i had been itching to know if folks are aware of any similar ones. Moreover, notably nice and interesting blog.I further like visual conception of it. Anyhow, if a person familliar with these folks let me know please. Have a nice day

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