Who’s Hot? Your Mom

rachel weiszI’ve been told that when I clean up real nice, dab a bit of make-up on and slide into a pair of non-orthopedic platforms, I fall into the category of “hot mom.” At least that’s what a group of shirtless teenage boys near the high school confided to me yesterday. Okay fine, they were migrant workers on their lunch break. And they spoke mostly with hand gestures. And at least one of them had no teeth but you know what I just turned 35 and I’ll take what I can get thank you very much —

Ahem. Anyway, moments like these are important to mothers, because for all of its fulfilling, magical moments, motherhood is not sexy. Sure, El Yenta Man finds oatmeal-encrusted hair and assembly-line lunch-making skills irresistible, but he has no choice.

Yes, it’s superficial and immature, even a little icky, but sometimes getting a up-down-up from a handsome stranger makes my day (as long as he doesn’t follow me to my minivan.) And maybe I’m clinging to my youth like a punk rock Mrs. Haversham in her disintegrating wedding dress, but it seems there are plenty of other moms out there who enjoy being validated in their hotness. Except while I’m happy with an occasional wink and nod from the dreadlocked babe at the health food store, some mamas want to shake their skinny tucheses on reality TV.

The Forward reported Friday on a string of auditions being held for “Hottest Mom in America,” with a special casting call in Miami specifically for Jewish mothers.

One of the Yenta’s favorite Jewish mothers, Meredith Jacobs of modernjewishmom.com, was interviewed for the article, taking a mature, modest approach to the whole skanky deal:

“I think it’s good that moms take care of themselves, that they want to be fit and look attractive, but I’m uncomfortable with the words ‘hot’ and ‘mom’ being put together. The implication of ‘hot’ is different than ‘beautiful’: ‘Beautiful’ can denote an inner beauty; ‘hot’ is somewhat tawdry.”

And even though she’d never do it, MJM admits that if someone told her she should enter, she’d be flattered. Not insulted, flattered. See? Even the Jewish mothers who know their Shabbos rules and can cook a mean cholent know the power of a tawdry compliment. (I’ve never seen MJM, but her online personality is gorgeous.)

A shimmy and a shake to the “enormously pregnant” Jewesses With Attitude for the tip (Pregnant women: always hot, yo.)

Photo of smokin’ Jewish mommy Rachel Weisz via Canmag.

What’s Peeling, White and Red All Over? Your Mom With A Sunburn

I admit it, I love “your mom” jokes. You’d think after I became a mother I might’ve developed a sensitivity to them, like my late-in-life allergy to walnuts, but no, nothing gets me like cleaning out the fridge and saying “Hey, this chicken sausage is rotten” to El Yenta Man and have him go, “Yeah, that’s what your mom said.” (Just so we’re clear, he’s not talking about the wonderful woman who actually gave birth to me. It’s more of a generic, Platonic ideal of the Great Mother, if you will — if Plato envisioned the Great Mother as a dumb whore.)

My favorites appear in everyday conversation, like when someone says “Lawdy, this laundry stinks like a men’s locker room.” And — voila! — instant punchline: “Your mom stinks like a men’s locker room.” Or, “Mmm, I love kosher meatballs.” And…wait for it…here it comes: “Your mom gave me the recipe while I was shaving her back.”

Basically, the cruder, the better. In a related game, called “Your Boyfriend,” you spot a particularly grungy individual while in the company of one’s close girlfriends and inconspicuously whisper “Tell your boyfriend to stop playing pocket pool in the latte line” or “Your boyfriend with the toupee is waiting for you at the bar.”

However, this is not to be confused with the bevy of crude “Your Momma’s so ugly/fat/poor/dumb” insults out there, as in “Your momma’s so ugly she had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dog to play with her.” For some reason, those don’t tickle my funny bone like your mom does. *heh heh heh*

Juvenile? Certainly. A way to crack a laugh into an otherwise boring day of dart-throwing at Ahmanijad’s picture, “what’s for dinner” arguments and carpool? Hell, yeah. Sometimes, all anyone has to say is “Your mom” and I spray whatever beverage I’m drinking out my nose.

Anyway, Kellev over at WeirdJews2 asked the community if there was a Hebrew equivalent to “your mom.” The ensuing conversation is totally priceless.

(I would’ve posted a graphic of your mom, but the barnyard porn site was blocked.)

Hope the Jewish Genes Counteract the Moron Ones

adam and jackieMazel tov to Adam Sandler and his wife, Jackie Titon, on the birth of their first child.

Adam jubilantly writes on his site that the “Kid is healthy!! Wife is healthy!! He’s still a moron and that’s all that counts!!

Silly man, stating the obvious. Parenthood makes a person more of a moron, not less.

Jackie’s bio says she “became Jewish” after her marriage, so welcome to the tribe of Jewish motherhood, sister.

Some are reporting that it’s a girl, but it remains to be seen whether the Sandlers buck Hollywood peer pressure and give the kid a nice, normal Jewish name.

Hell, If It Weren’t for the Stretchmarks, I’d Consider It

cindyCindy Margolis, the self-proclaimed “Most Downloaded Woman On the Internet” (I’m sure her mother is very proud), has announced her latest gig: posing nude in Playboy at the age of 40.

Whereas displaying her wares in the glossy men’s magazine “would have been for gratuitous reasons” in the past, now is the perfect time for Cindy to get nakey: “It will be fun to go up against the 20-year-olds and show them that they don’t have anything on me,” she said.

She adds: “You’re not dead just because you are married and have children.” Huzzah, sista.

Now, I’m not a fan of nudie mags or of Cindy’s (as I am unclear as to what her actual talents are — celebrity poker and cooking shows aside) but I like her spunk. There aren’t many models (would you believe there’s a wikipedia entry for Jewish American models?) who can push their career past 21, and any woman with three kids who can work it for Playboy ought to be lauded.

Sure, it’s all about airbrushing and good plastic surgery. That’s right — Cindy wasn’t always the blonde, tiny-nosed bombshell you see before you; she was once just another Jewish girl trying to stand out in L.A.

Personally, I think she was cuter before her nose job, although the eyebrow-scaping is definitely a good call.

Moses Supposes That His Parents Are … Jewish?

gwyneth and babyGwyneth Paltrow and her honey Chris Martin welcomed their new baby into the world this weekend, a boy called Moses.

How nice for his big sister Apple to have company in strange namedness. Of course, I love it. It could be said that I’ve got a penchant for naming babies unusually — why should celebrities have all the fun? — but Moses is an unmistakably Jewish name, innit?

Gwyneth’s father is Jewish, and her mother, Blythe Danner, has played a nice Jewish mother in the movies, and of course, there’s the Kabbalah dabbling, so perhaps this means the family is edging itself closer to a Jewish idenity.

Mazel all around to the Paltrow-Martins anyway, yo. Come Rosh Hashanah time, they can sing “Apple and Moses, for a sweet new year.”

SJP And The Yenta: On The Same Page

sjpSarah Jessica Parker is my kind of Jewish mother, and not just because she has so many rad shoes: According to PR Inside, she’s already let her 3-year-old son, James, know how it’s gonna be:

“I’ve told him already, ‘You have to come home on Fridays, in time for the Sabbath, and bring me dinner, no matter what your wife says.'”

Thas’, right, Mama. And make sure you tell him like my own mother used to tell my bro: You bring home a girl who loves your mother.

(Come to think of it, bro’s still not married. Don’t take it personally, Mom.)

Dad’s Byline

dad's pakistanMy dad returned safe and reasonably sound from earthquake-shattered Pakistan earlier this year after volunteering his surgical skills at a Christian hospital. He’s published an account of his experiences in this week’s Jewish News of Greater Phoenix that’s waaay more entertaining than this week’s Lost episode. Check out the mountaintop medical conditions and how near death didn’t stop one practical jokester.

Dad, aka Dr. Skip Feinstein, is also a fine photographer; it’s a shame that this photo of one of his colleagues holding a baby born during the 7.6 quake is the only one posted. (Perhaps Dr. Skip has uploaded the rest of his images somewhere shared?)

Dad’s work is such a fine example of tikkun olam and a real inspiration of how life sure as heck doesn’t end at 60. How often does a Jewish daugher get to kvell over her father?

Perhaps a little too often — the meshugganeh is going back to Pakistan next month.

Silence: At the Movies? Yes. As A Child Exits The Womb? Notsomuch.

poshRick Ross of Cultnews.com wrote this week that Scientology has been plying Victoria Beckham with free books and friends in high places, but the soccer wife formerly known as Posh Spice remains devoted to Kabbalah (Exhibit A: She’s still wearing her red string, in spite of its liability as a “so over” accessory.)

I think I may know why Miz Beckham remains on the Jewishy side of CultTown: She’s birthed two children and must’ve gotten to the part in Dianetics about this silent birthing nonsense. (According to L. Ron Hubbard, yelling and writhing while something scrapes its nose along the bones of your pelvis causes psychic damage to a baby.) And I’m guessing Posh, who has already endured plastic surgery and god-knows-what-kind-fad-dieting in the name of motherhood, considered what would happen if her superfine husband knocked her up again, took a sip of her apple martini and said “Um, yes, well, f*ck that sh*t.”

Silent birth, my tushie. And speaking of Kabbalistic ass, have you seen the Britney birthing-on-a-tiger-rug sculpture?