Fetus Spears To Suck Kabbalah Water

brit pregBritney Spears reportedly plans to birth her baby in a pool of Kabbalah water. This will require 1000 liters of the stuff (which, no matter how you close you view it, still looks like two molecules of hydrogen stuck to one molecule of oxygen) and comes with a $3800 price tag. The unofficial blog of the spawn has nothing to say about this nonsense, but reports that the home uterus is roomy and comfy.
As someone who birthed two children naturally without the benefit of fancy water, drugs, epidurals or even a doctor the second time around, this yenta can only say: Britney, you’re an idiot. You can paint the delivery room with every name from the Zohar you want and it’s still gonna hurt like a mofo. Save your money for the kid’s therapy fund.

Clawing Back From Katrina

user submitted pictureSo sorry for the silence, folks. The Gulf Coast Jmerica outpost seems to have been lit into by that nasty hurricane bee-otch and has only just gotten the electricity restored. But hey, we Jews have survived a helluva lot more than a little wind, rain and flying palm trees, so we expect to be back up to speed soon.
Meanwhile, those of us out here on the Left have returned to our desks and are sorting through the news of the past two weeks:
There seems to have been a lot more crying and hugging than shooting and hitting during the Gaza disengagement, thank Hashem. Our admiration continues to grow for the Israeli soldiers and settlers who handled this difficult time with grace.
Even Sharon has a little soft spot in our hearts now.
However, the evacuated settlers who abandoned their pets deserve a spanking.

Photo c/o Reuters.

Poetry As Religion

allen ginsbergLike so many young wandering Jews with poetic yearnings, we followed the dying strains of Beat Culture to San Francisco with high hopes of hanging out with Ferlinghetti and friends in North Beach (or at the very least, serving them coffee.) Unfortunately, the closest we got to our favorite Beat icon Allen Ginsberg was his memorial service at Temple Emanu-El after he passed in 1997.
While Ginsberg declared himself to to be more gay, Buddhist, angry and dysfunctional than Jewish, Jay Schwartz of j. weekly explains why this poet may be the patron saint of those of us Jews who may not be so young or mobile anymore, but will always yearn for meaning in the words.

Shanghai’s Rabbi

Ohel Rachel SynagogueDo you think you have it tough? Ask rabbi Shalom Greenberg what it’s like to be the sole leadership for the Jewish people living in Shanghai! Imagine how difficult it would be to live in the land of pork and try to keep kosher. Picture him having to ask the Chinese communist government for permission to use the 85-year-old Ohel Rachel Synagogue and to have that request granted at most 3 or 4 times a year.

That’s just the start for this 33-year-old rabbi from Brooklyn who was asked to move to China to help lead the Jewish faithful. Despite all of the obstacles (and there are lots more) rabbi Greenberg and the 1,000 or so Jews living in Shanghai prove that where there is a will, there is a way. Oddly enough, this story could actually be a good premise for one of those ‘fish out of water’ comedy flicks! Don’t forget to give us credit for the idea if this becomes a blockbuster hit starring Ben Stiller. Check out the rest of the story here!

(Photo of the Ohel Rachel Synagogue courtesy of tmcvacation.com)

Jews should save the world…

Jews Save the World! Good ol’ Rabbi Marc Howard Wilson provides us with his top 5 reasons why Jews should work to save the world for everyone, and not just for MOT’s. He’s got a bone to pick with bigots both within our community and those nasty anti-Semitic ones too, both who keep us from being highly visible in mainstream causes. As he explains “Being a Jew who, by design or default, has been in the vanguard of social issues like homelessness, literacy, political advocacy, interfaith and interracial relations, has proved to be a mixed blessing.” Rather than to limit ourselves to strictly Jewish causes, Rabbi Wilson feels it’s imperative that we should fulfill our “divine mandate to be ‘a light unto the nations’,” (by the way that’s reason #3).
Check out the top 5 reason why you should help save the world for the greater good and then check out Rabbi Marc Howard Wilson‘s other columns on his website www.marcmusing.com.

Bad news for Madge!

Ouch! Kabbalah’s favorite poster girl, Madonna, suffered a fall while riding a horse yesterday at her country estate. Reuters has the scoop:

The singer sustained three cracked ribs, a broken collar bone and a broken hand when she fell off her horse on Tuesday at Ashcombe House, where she was celebrating her 47th birthday with husband Guy Ritchie and two children Lourdes and Rocco.

Let’s hope she gets better. Maybe a few cases of Kabbalah water can start the healing process. Now’ she’s got the best opportunity to test out it’s “healing powers“.

(Photo courtesy of MTV News)

Introducing Yo Yenta.com!

Yo Yenta! Our beloved blog has been such a hit that it out grew it’s original home on Jmerica.com’s front page. Introducing YoYenta.com, the new home of our ever-popular blog, with more room to grow, expand, and explore all things Jewish!
The infamous “T-Shirt of the Week” and our “Yo Yenta!” advice columns will be here too along with new categories to come. Yo Yenta is the first of many surprises for Jmerica members, we thank you for the success we’ve had so far this year, and believe us, it will only get better. Come by and check out the new site and let us know what you think.