According to a press release (which we all know are always true– see post below), the new Kabbalah Energy Drink, with its “light citrus flavor” and patriotic packaging, beats Red Bull nine out ten times in taste tests. Hawked by celebrity “Kabbalist” Ashton Kutcher and infused with water deemed “holy” by the Kabbalah Center, the new drink is being marketed to groups that need it most:
Theres a huge bus for tourists in Las Vegas emblazoned with the Kabbalah Energy Drink logo and colors that drives up and down the strip twenty four hours a day, seven days a week.
Kabbalah Party Bus…in Vegas. Not even Shabbat off.
So wrong. On so many levels.
And: The official Kabbalah Energy Drink site with its glitzy sound effects and oscillating images of people riding motorcross and drinking enourmous Kabbalah martinis is so frightening that it froze our computer.
The JPost reports that Israeli researchers have discovered how the human brain comprehends sarcasm, that elusive concept where one understands the meaning of, say, “nice outfit” in the context of this woman to mean “Lady, you’re a fashion victim.”
Yeah, we’re sooo surprised a bunch of Jewish psychologists (who were aided in their study by patients with frontal lobe damage who have lost all sense of irony and cannot process the complex subtext of literal meaning versus intention) have found the origins of sarcasm. Like, didn’t we invent it?
If our frontal lobe was in better shape, we could figure out how to use the Sarcastic Font to communicate what a vital contribution to humankind we feel this study to be!
According to JTA, First Lady Laura Bush sent out a team of assistants to score some kabbalah bracelets “for luck” before her visit to Israel last week. But fundamental Christians shouldn’t worry that she’ll become the new Kabbalah celeb flavor-of-the-month: there weren’t the authentic red strings blessed at Rachel’s Tomb in Jerusalem, only the schlocky souvenir jobbies found in the shouk in the Old City (next to the plastic snowglobes of Jesus.)
And anyway, the bendels certainly didn’t protect her from the evil eyes of Jewish and Muslim mobs protesting her presence at Jerusalem’s holy sites.
“Purchases of knockoff handbags and DVDs may aid Palestinian terrorist organizations, experts told a congressional panel. Organizations like Hamas and Hezbollah are believed to be involved in sales of counterfeit products in the United States, and many vendors back the terrorist groups, but its unclear whether profits are funneled to the organizations, analysts said at a hearing Wednesday before the Senate Homeland Security Committee.”
As for us, we promise: no more fake Prada. As long as we still get to enjoy the purse we purchased before we became privy to this information.
WeeklyWorldNews has taken a break from aliens-impregnate-Elvis reporting to bring us “Hot Babes From The Bible”.
*Sigh*. It’s just so obvious to list Jezebel, Salome and Eve. They’re like the Paris Hiltons of the day, just sittin’ around looking skanky while everyone oohs and aahs. Give us the “shapely and beautiful” Rachel who could also herd a mean goat or a badass like Miriam, who shook her tambourine like nobody’s business!
When the British Government decided after WWII that the dusty piece of desert they’d been sitting on should be made the Jewish homeland, Lord Arthur James Balfour penned a letter to the world that has become known as the 1917 Balfour Declaration. But Lord Arty didn’t compose it all by himself; two drafts by early English Zionist leaders (one handwritten on hotel stationery, no less) will be on the auction block at Sotheby’s next month as part of the estate of Leon Simon. The documents are part of lot of 175 papers and bidding is expected to start at half million dollars.
We hope these end up in a Jewish museum rather than molding away in the files of someone’s private collection. Since the subject deals with a homeland for all Jews, don’t they belong in a home where all Jews can appreciate them?
From Black and Jewish Online Store. Also available is the Get Ready For Some Kosher Soul Food Apron, which will go nicely while manning the barbecue this summer.
For more about our Black Jewish brothers and sisters, check out Sheree Curry Levy’s site.
My Urban Kvetch has revealed the one thing that could bring us out of our ugly funk today…
The blond, blue-eyed babeleh Michael Vartan (currently starring in Monster-In-Law is Jewish.
(He’s French, too, but we’ll not go there right now.)
Stupid Jennifer Garner! Who would leave this guy for a putz like Ben Affleck?
So Wal-Mart ran an ad last week in the Arizona Daily Sun depicting Nazis burning books in order to show voters that not allowing one of their stires to swallow their local ecomony is akin to inviting Hitler over for tea.
But hey, it’s cool, the Jews have forgiven them.
The photo as produced in the newspaper ad was blurry but appeared to show civilians as well as soldiers tossing books onto a flaming pile. Above the photo was the phrase “Freedoms worth keeping.” Below the photo was a headline that read “Should we let government tell us what we can read?” “Of course not,” the ad continued, “So why should we allow local government to limit where we can shop?”
Yes, because not being able to fill your home with cheap crap made in China is just like having a horde of Aryan soldiers torch the libraries!
Maybe if Wal-Mart quit dumping money into retarded consulting firms and started caring for their workers, the wouldn’t have to run media damage control every five minutes.
*Note: this photo isn’t from the actual ad; Wal-Mart must’ve used their mighty powers to remove any trace of it from cyberspace.
As if the search for the perfect Jewish guy didn’t already haunt all the Jewish single women out there, now you’ve got competition with advertising capital. A team of Israeli producers is scouring the Diaspora in search of an attractive man in his mid 20’s to late 30’s (with a decent job who loves his mother) for a reality show called “A Nice Jewish Boy.” The lucky bachelor will live in a luxurious villa in central Israel surrounded by fifteen or so Israeli women “competing” for his heart and camera time.
While we appreciate reality t.v. as much as the next couch knish, we were grossed out when shows like “The Bachelor,” “The Bachelorette,” “Joe Millionaire” and all the rest began appearing on prime time. How could such a tawdry spectacle possibly beget true love? Flirting with any kind of success is hard enough at a crowded bar; who wants every social faux pas captured on video?
We wish Mr. Jewish Bachelor, whomever he may be, and these publicity hungry women lotsa mazel, but we won’t be nominating our brother or anything.
Then again, he does fit the bill so well…and our mother would be delighted.
Who thinks we should send his photo and resumé to email@example.com?