That Would Be “Ms. God” to You

Have you heard that God had a wife?

Eminent religion scholar Dr. Francesca Stavrakopoulou has revived and enriched the theory that our single dad of a God actually had a partner at one point—before some misogynistic scribes edited her out of the Torah. After examining ancient texts, fertility goddess artifacts and quotes from the Tanach itself, Dr. Stavrakopoulou posits that the first Jews worshipped both Yahweh and a female entity called Asherah at the David’s Temple in Jerusalem.

“After years of research specializing in the history and religion of Israel, I have come to a colorful and what could seem, to some, uncomfortable conclusion that God had a wife,” the Exeter professor told Discovery News.

Yes, there will be people who find the idea so blasphemous that it will cause them lifelong diarrhea. But I think it makes complete sense—there are references to the Divine Feminine (known as the Shekinah) tucked away in the Kabbalah, and even as little Shalom Schoolers we’re told that “it is a Tree of Life to those who hold fast to it.”

But while it’s nice to have rational proof that the Great Woman used to exist in our daily prayers, truth needs no validation, really. As a mother having giving birth to a daughter, it’s just plain OBVIOUS that Womanhood is the foundation of Creation. Did you know baby girls are born with all of their eggs—their potential children—already formed? This chain that links allllll the way back to the Beginning. “Asherah” translates as “sacred tree,” and parallels the great Goddess names of Ishtar, Astarte and Ostara—so none of this is news to anyone who knows damn well this place couldn’t have been created without Divine Female presence.

So where is She? And how did the world get sidetracked into the greedy, gluttonous, totally-out-of-whack, sacred-word-bastardizing patriarchy we’re dealing with now?

I have my own theory. Like any marriage, Goddess wanted to support her husband in this new endeavor of Making a World, but when She saw how He was running things, She had to speak up. She was probably all “Dear, what in the name of Heaven are you doing? Giant lizards with teeth? Please. And I’ve told you ten million times that letting those monkeys split atoms is a terrible idea!”

Then he called her an Astronomical Nag and told Her that everything was completely under control and that She should go cook something, which made Her so mad She sunk Atlantis. (Time management may have also been a bone of contention. After all, He says He made the world in six days; science says it was more like four billion years.)

She finally got so fed up with his dirty towels and raging floods and cosmic-range ADD and need to be right all the time that she decided to take a little break. Sure, it seems like, well, forever, but it’s the time relativity thing; to us, it’s been eons, to Her, it’s an extended vacation.

She’s probably hanging out with Her friends climbing the mountains of Mercury, writing totally epic poetry and putting the finishing touches on Her own calm and orderly Universe where idiotic things like “corporate personhood,” the underage Vietnamese sex trade and genetically-modified food aren’t even a possibility. God’ wife isn’t gone, She’s just on sabbatical.

And when She gets back, She’s going to be really pissed at the mess.

10 thoughts on “That Would Be “Ms. God” to You

  1. And she will be expected to clean it up, while paying the overdue power bill, and picking up the kids from school on the way home from the grocery store. Blah blah blah, we men hear this all the time about how women would never treat the inhabitants of the world with the same selfish, cruel and violent insensitivity. Look, I’m not saying there is not likely an equally omnipotent, omniscient and omnipresent female force in the universe. It clearly would have taken a woman’s touch to have created a woman. A man-god would never have given women a monthly cycle punctuated with a toxic blend of emotional exuberance mixed with paranoid schizophrenia. Functioning vocal chords maybe, but never the ability to list more than one chore or disappointment without breathing.

    A woman-god clearly has had an equal hand at creation, and if the recent 5000 years have been the result of her absence, then perhaps it is time that she stop sulking and get her ass back in the creation kitchen and whip up some good luvin brownies and get this party started. Perhaps she could quit blaming man-god for everything and, hike up her skirt, show off her hairy legs and combat boots and kick some disorganized,dirty earth tuchas. Everyone could use a Jewish mother like that.

  2. The truth about who God really is sure is getting around.In my philosophy class at Williams College, God is always referred to as “she”. I’ve never heard a peep to the contrary from the male members of the class.

  3. Wait, you mean Elohim doesn’t mean God and His mate? That’s what I was taught so long ago I’ve forgotten when I first learned it. But it wasn’t in any Christian Bible. The feminine principle is necessary for reproducing. Everyone knows that!

    I am crazy for your way of explaining this. It so makes sense YOUR way. LOL!

  4. Limner — I completely agree, this explains the plural Elohim & I love Yenta’s take on this, want her to explain it to my class

  5. Once again, you’ve brought us all back to feminist principles! You are amazing! This is a unique point of view and the world is waiting for it. El Yenta Man expressed himself eloquently. Is he ready?

  6. I hate to mention it, but this isn’t exactly news. As an academic study, it’s been known for several decades at least, and the rabbis certainly knew about it, and were disapproving (because God isn’t supposed to be a man, and if God isn’t a man, then God can’t be married – the erasure of God’s wife was part of the development of the Jewish God as something more than just your standard pagan idol.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.