I’ve always been weirdly fascinated with the Rapture (you may remember my first introduction to Jesus’ promise to disappear the really decent people from the planet while the rest of us losers wallow in the treacly soup caused by greed, global warming and sodomy.)
I’ve already scoped out all the stuff my super-Christy neighbors’ will leave behind (I call the gazebo in the backyard, you can have the rest of their Wal-Mart chozzerai, and then we’ll have the most colossal yard sale ever, yo!) but it’s never occurred to me what will happen to their pets when their owners float heavenward. As the New Testament is quite clear that one must accept Jesus as one’s savior in order to catch a ride on the Rapture roller coaster and animals are obviously unable to that, who is going to take these furry creatures in? Will thousands – millions? – of deserted cats and dogs and Chinese water dragons descend upon the alleys eating garbage and each other until finally the rest of us forgotten souls are killed off by flea bites? I’m an animal lover and all, but the neighbor’s dog is a kind of gross yappy terrier named “Puddles” who lunges at our Clarabell and I just think we’re going to have enough of our own post-Apocalyptic problems, okay?
Thank the Lord, someone else is prepared to take in all the little abandoned pets – for a small fee, of course. From the Best of Craig’s List (a fine way to while away one’s time, before and after the Second Coming):
Your Pets Will Not Be Flagged For Removal By Jesus During the Rapture
[…] I am here to offer you pet care service for after the rapture. As an atheist, I will surely still be here on this earth post rapture and would love to look after your pets … You will be able to look down on them from heaven and see them being well cared for by me and living happy, healthy lives. Do not let my atheism scare you! I am a moral and loving pet owner and would never do harm to any animal.
For a small deposit of only $50, you can be assured that your pets will be well cared for from the time that you are raptured until the end of their natural life. They will get adequate amounts of food, water, and shelter as well as plenty of exercise and socialization as I would imagine there will be a lot of pets that will be abandoned by Jesus the pet hater that will need to be cared for … $50 is only a small price to pay to know that while you are enjoying everlasting bliss, your pets will be cared for until their end days. Thanks and have a great day!