Unholy Export

user submitted pictureFrom JTA: After 12 years of cultivating sturgeon, Kibbutz Dan fish farm on the Upper Galilee announced that it is ready to export the roe to caviar connoisseurs worldwide. Since sturgeon do not naturally exist in Israel, the farm must first import the fish from Russia (where the best caviar comes from anyway) and raise them for eggs. Galilee Caviar CEO Yigal Ben-Zvi expects $2 million in revenue a year from the salty venture, though it won’t be sold in Israel as it’s nowhere near kosher (sturgeon don’t have scales.)
Still, it probably tastes like heaven on piece of matzah topped with a dollop of sour cream.

Jewish Penicillin, DIY

user submitted pictureWe’re still suffering from a cold, which feels anything but common. And since our mama ain’t the cooking type and we live a few thousand miles away from a decent Jewish deli, we’ve had to concoct our own Old-World cure. Here’s our recipe for Matzo Ball Soup, guaranteed to heal what ails ya:
1. Start with a whole, cooked chicken. You can bake your own (2+ hours at 375*) but we prefer to buy one of those fancy organic ones from the market, already roasted and spiced to perfection. Pick off the meat and set aside for tomorrow’s sandwiches.
2. Break apart the bones to get to the marrow. The more the carcass resembles something mauled by a wild animal, the better flavor for the soup. If getting in touch with your inner wolf seems distasteful, give thanks you didn’t actually have to kill and defeather the bird.
3. Boil the hell out of it. Toss the bones in a full pot of water with a bit of skin (the chicken’s, not yours) and let it reduce itself down to an couple of inches. Fill the pot again and repeat two or three times until the broth becomes a shimmery golden color that smells like heaven.
4. Add a chopped onion, three or four sliced carrots and five or six celery stalks. But make sure you scoop out the bones beforehand with a slotted spoon. Add salt and pepper to your liking (don’t get insane about it, though; you can always add more but you can’t take it out.) Simmer.
5. Here comes the schmaltz! Prepare the matzo balls by beating 4 eggs, 2 tbls. of chicken fat (skim it off the top of the broth) and a few pinches of finely chopped parsley. Add one cup of matzo meal and a pinch of salt. Mix well and refrigerate for 20 minutes, or until you can stand it anymore.
6. The secret to fluffy matzo balls is a gentle hand. We’re not hard-packing snowballs for maximum density here. Pretend you have your bubbie’s arthritis. Drop in boiling broth, which should be roiling with vegetables. Simmer under a lid for 20 minutes.

Enjoy with friends and neighbors. But if your sinuses don’t clear after the first bowl, we recommend mainlining it.

Caribou Coffee Struggles Against E-mail Boycott

user submitted pictureCaribou Coffee has closed two once-bustling Chicago stores due to an e-mail circulating since 2002 that urges people to boycott the java franchisers because it’s backed by Islamic terrorists. While the reasons for the boycott technically fall under the category of urban legend, Caribou is indeed mostly owned by the First Islamic Investment Bank who employed one openly intifada-supporting board member. Though they’ve long since fired the guy, Caribou Coffee Chairman Michael Coles (who is Jewish) laments that the persisting “rumor” has resulted in major profit dips in certain markets.
Yawn. We tried to work up some sympathy for a corporation masquerading as the David to Starbuck’s Goliath, but we’d rather grab a chai at our locally-owned, independent coffeeshop instead.

Traditional Vs. Reform

From JewishJokes.net, which weve been eagerly awaiting after months of “coming soon” messages:

Traditional: Farm animal must be killed by ritual slaughterer using a sharply honed knife that must not have a single nick on its blade.
Reform: Farm animal must be told that it has the right to an attorney.
Traditional: Will not combine meat with milk.
Reform: Will not combine meat with chocolate milk.
Traditional: One set of dishes for meat, another set for dairy.
Reform: One set of dishes exclusively for cheeseburgers.
Traditional: Hire “shabbos goy” to perform religiously prohibited tasks.
Reform: Hire “Orthodox Jew” to perform religiously required tasks.
Traditional: Try to concentrate on prayers, achieve sense of being in the presence of the divine.
Reform: Try to figure out when to stand up, when to sit down, and what page everyone is on.
Traditional: Women required to sit in synagogue balcony, apart from men.
Reform: Women and men sit together, davening suggestively.

Traditional: Strong disapproval of women rabbis.
Reform: Strong disapproval of topless women rabbis.

Here’s our own addition:
Traditional: Observe Shabbat by refraining from such acts as driving and turning on lights.
Reform: Observe Shabbat by driving to the movies and refusing to check e-mail.
Shabbat Shalom!

Mel Don’t Do Mush

user submitted pictureWhy won’t director Mel Brooks be shooting the remake of The Producers in Toronto?
“The bagels, just the bagels alone,” he said. “You go to Toronto, they’re mushy.” Instead, the filming will be in done in New York, where true boiled bagels rain from the sky from cream cheese clouds.
The Producers: The Movie Musical will star Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick, who headlined in the Tony award-winning Broadway show that was based on Brooks’ original 1968 screenplay starring Zero Mostel and Gene Wilder. Brooks has also brought in Nicole Kidman and Will Ferrell to round out the cast, so you know this remake just may be as hilarious as the original.
Back on the subject of bagels, let us just say that they’ve been co-opted from their Jewish origins so badly here in Northern California (think spelt) that we’ve switched to English muffins.

Hag Sameach, Let’s Eat (Outside)!

user submitted pictureWe don’t know about y’all, but we didn’t build a sukkot in our backyard growing up and neither did any of the other Jewish families we knew. We did our share of lulav-shaking back in Hebrew school, but building and eating in a outdoor booth at home meant inviting a golf ball injury to the head. It must be pretty cool to live in a neighborhood like Borough Park, NY, where this photo was taken (c/o Satan’s Laundromat.) We’d love to get a little more Jewish for the Festival ofSukkot, but if we could afford one of these fancy readymade numbers, we’d be paying a mortgage instead of rent. With our paltry carpentry skills, we may have settle for the aforementioned cardboard box. Suggestions welcome. In any case, we’re always down for the food. Hag sameach, everyone!

Where No Bagel Has Gone Before

user submitted pictureCreative photographer and Jewish gourmand Alan Batt convinced 83 of New York’s finest chefs to put down the Chilean sea bass and take on some lowly lox. Batt’s new mouth-watering photo book, The Great Bagel & Lox Book puts our favorite snack in some compromising positions (gee, we guess any kind of food can be sexy if placed on a naked chick), not to mention blasphemizing the true nature of the bagel by making it French (bagel croissants, bagel crepes…) It drives us nuts that the Korean bakery around the corner sells sawdust donuts with a hole and calls ’em bagels, but we could never dis Batt’s offerings to the B&L lexicon: bagel puffs filled with smoked salmon souffle? Mmmmm…..