May your Shabbat be sweet, but it’s probably not going to be quite as gooey chocolatey as it is for these gonifs.

From Yahoo News:

JERUSALEM – Israeli police are on the lookout for a thief with a super-sized chocolate craving. The robbers broke into a factory in the northern Israeli city of Haifa late Monday and walked away with nearly 100 tons of chocolate spread…Moshe Veidberg, one of the company’s owners, told the Israeli daily Yediot Ahronot it would require five large trucks to transport the stolen chocolate, which he valued at roughly $415,000.

Mmm, I know what I would do with a half million dollars of chocolate spread. How ’bout you?

Hat tip: Jewlicious.

It started with a headache and little throat tickle. Next thing I knew I was in bed for four days with flowing green snot and a gurgling hack that scared the dog out of the room. Not pretty, the flu.

I’m almost completely recovered now (I’m still coughing a bit, sending the dog skittering off under the couch), but jeebus, this influenza B thing is for real, people. Everyone I talk to has either caught it, is caring for someone with it or is wearing a surgical mask and slathering on Purell trying to avoid it. “Epidemic” seems awfully dramatic, but folks from Seattle to Savannah are down for the count.

Because I’m alternative therapy groupie and a hippie at heart, I’ve been dosing myself and my family all winter with immune-boosting herbs and formulas. The astralagas and echinacea seem to have worked well for my husband and the kids, and I think my system got weak from a combination of stress and lack of sleep and was no match for the evil woman at a dance concert who kept coughing into my hair. It was a terrible couple of weeks, but still – you couldn’t pay me to have a flu shot.

I understand that a flu vaccine is helpful in theory – but the shot that everyone lined up to get this season is now being reported as less than 40% effective in preventing the actual virus circulating. In fact, flu shots have been linked with other complications, like paralysis and Alzheimer’s, and can actually weaken your immune system so you get sicker.

Yet the Center for Disease Control recommended yesterday that all children have another flu shot (and don’t even get me started on the neurological damage mercury-based vaccines cause in kids) – even after its own admission that this year’s shot is a waste of money and time (not too mention dangerous.)

This logic is so completely asinine – how can we trust a government health entity that’s pushing a faulty product? My friend Sam, who owns a tire store, snorted that only the government could do business this way. “I’d like to try that – here, the first four tires we sold you aren’t that good, so you’re going to need eight.” Anyone who believes there isn’t a direct financial connection with the CDC and the pharmaceutical industry probably still think global warming is a myth.

Anyway, it’s good to be upright again. Hope everyone out there is in good health – and remember the best way to prevent the flu is to boost your immunity, eat well and get enough rest. One of those surgical masks couldn’t hurt either.

(crossposted at savannah.skirt.com)

Sorry, friends. I’ve been hit with the flu like I’ve only read about, and even El Yenta Man’s chicken soup can’t touch it. I may be down for a while… in the meantime, another Good Shabbos to all!

*”Shabbat Candles” by Kansas City artist and designer Laura Bolter. Such warmth and color in her work… maybe it can heal places Tamiflu and soup can’t?

*sigh*. The plate of this life is overflowing with family joy, work reponsibilities, volunteering for the synagogue, domestic chores…It’s gotten to the point where things are falling off the plate onto the floor. I think the dog’s run off with some of them and is gnawing on them under the bed, and I’m too tired to care.

A peaceful, flower-full weekend to all.

More art by SuSan Esther can be found at JewishArtandSoul.

Bless my mother. She’s always forwarding me interesting emails because she knows how busy I am. This is the digital, 21st-century version of a practice she inherited from my bubbie, who used to send packets of newspaper clippings to the house every week, just in case we’d missed a story about a two-headed calf or the top 10 qualities of gifted children.

Last week she sent me an email about how an amateur archaeologist named Ron Wyatt had discovered chariot wheels at the bottom of the Red Sea, effectively proving that divine events of Exodus aren’t just an exciting bedtime story. Except with just a few drops of Google juice I found out that Ron Wyatt also “discovered” Noah’s Ark, the Ark of the Covenant and the exact location of Jesus’ crucifixion. Nothing on the news wires about it, and if the academic homeboy at Paleojudaica doesn’t have anything to say about it, it’s got to be bunk.

But who need physical evidence to make the struggles of Moses, Miriam and the rest of our golden-calf worshipping ancestors relevant anyway? Does the existence of dead Egyptians at the bottom of the ocean actually prove or disprove the existence of God? I’m no rabbi (as I’m sure many are thankful), but isn’t the point of the Passover story is about faith?

Sorry, Mom. It surely would’ve made for fabulous seder conversation. But there’s always this two-headed turtle!

So sarry I has fallen under de cute, grammatically fuzzie spell of icanhascheezburger.com.

(For those who have no idea, refer to the LOLwiki for sum ehjookashun.)

We had one of the children’s non-Jewish friends over for Sabbath dinner for the first time and I was a little nervous. Would the kid blow out the candles? Would he feel embarrassed? Would he go home and tell his parents that we chant the Devil’s music and drink blood out of a chalice?

As an unorthodox Jewish parent, I’m always riding the line between wanting my children to maintain a strong Jewish identity while learning to belong to the world at large. I don’t want them to be self-conscious about our rituals, and when Abe asked if his friend Luke could spend the night on Friday night, I thought it was a good opportunity to deal with my own fears. Luke’s a neat kid with former punk rock parents, so I figured any reported devil worship would be met with approval anyway.

He was completely mesmerized after we turned down the lights, took three deep breaths, lit the candles and sang the prayers, and then the conversation turned to a little Torah:

“So, my name is in the Bible,” said Abraham.

“Yeah, so’s mine,” mused Luke.

Luke paused, and I braced myself for a lecture about the differences between Old and New Testament from an 8 year-old. But no, he just took another bite of his veggie burger and said:

“It’s in the phone book, too.”

The kid’s invited back.

Christina Aguliera’s in-laws must have been quite ecstatic that the platininum blond crooner – raised Catholic – was 100% behind her son’s bris, but maybe notsomuch about the party decorations:

She and her husband Jordan Bratman invited friends and family over to welcome their baby Max Liron into the Jewish convenant on Jan. 20, with requisite spread of bagels, lox and … penis balloons.

That’s right, penis balloons. And yes, you can click to enlarge the photo.