Monthly Archives: October 2006

A Giant Scoop In My Own Backyard?

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shalomy'allSo I’m perusing JTA on the off chance Madonna’s announced herself a mohel and has decided to give her new African child a bris, and instead I find little ol’ Savannah, GA smack on the “breaking news” column:

A number of prominent U.S. Jewish and Israeli leaders are attending a conference in Georgia organized by a woman who wants the Jewish temple rebuilt.

Mort Klein, president of the Zionist Organization of America; Limor Livnat, a leading member of the Likud Party; Daniel Pipes, director of the Philadelphia-based Middle East Forum; and Ra’anan Gissin, a spokesman for former Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon are among those slated to attend next week’s “The Convergence Summit 2006, Claims and Challenges Facing Israel.”

The Savannah Jewish Federation, Hadassah of Savannah, and Israel’s consul-general in Atlanta are among the conference’s sponsors, but other local and national groups have decried it because of organizer Orly Benny Davis’ association with extremists who want to replace the mosques on Jerusalem’s Temple Mount with the Third Temple.

Rabbi Arnold Mark Belzer, of the city’s Congregation Mickve Israel, said he would avoid it because Davis “has espoused ideas which qualify as religious extremism.” Diane Cantor, a former Savannah school board president and executive director of the liberal group Brit Tzedek v’Shalom, wrote in an Op-Ed for the Savannah Morning News that the conference “greatly concerned” her.

Man, my Jewdar needs some tweaking. I’ve passed by the JEA marquee advertising this event twenty times a day for weeks, but I just thought it was some Hadassah fundraiser to build another ORT school. I had no idea so many bigwigs would be so close by, discussing things too hot to talk about in Israel. I even missed the pre-coverage in the Savannah Morning News last Sunday.

My only hope now is to appeal directly to organizer Orly Benny Davis for a press pass on the grounds that I am the only Jewish blogger for many, many miles (although surely someone from Atlanta Jewish Life will make the ugly drive east.) Stay tuned to see if my charm and chutzpah get me into the Jewish version of the G8 summit…

J.D. Hayworth Is A Better Jew Than Who?

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With November 6 coming up fast, there are plenty of local races where the good guys are standing up to the corrupt schmuckos, and here’s a little story that hasn’t even hit the papers yet.

But before go there, let’s dance a two-step hora at the fabulous news that the Jewish cowboy is running deep in the hearts of Texans: Kinky Friedman is second in the polls in the race for governor. Ride ’em, Kinkster!

jdhayworthBut here’s the story you’ll hear first on Yo, Yenta: The race for Arizona’s Fifth congressional district has gotten hotter than bacon fat on a Mercedes in the Scottsdale sun as Republican incumbent JD Hayworth, all-around corporate stooge and “generally known as one of the most conservative members of Congress” continues to reveal his troglodyte DNA when standing next to his Democratic challenger, Harry Mitchell, a former teacher and the mayor of my hometown of Tempe for 20 years.

Hayworth made the Jewish blogs earlier in the year with his revelation that he’s a big fan of Henry Ford’s anti-Semitic vision of “Americanization.” He’s the 2nd largest recipient of Abramoff-related contributions according to Congresspedia and figures prominently on both Most Corrupt and Dumbest congressmen watchdog lists.

You can imagine that up against kind, straight-up Harry, the guy looks like a ham in a Hugo Boss suit. Which is probably why he sent a stand-in to speak for him at this week’s debate at Scottsdale’s Temple Beth Israel.

As told by witnesses (namely my parents, who have worked on Harry’s campaign since its humble beginnings and have been part of the movement that has helped this excellent Democrat raise more money than his lobby-lined-pocketed opponent), Hayworth’s representative Jonathon Trott relied on the ol’ “Democrats don’t support Israel” strategy from the Republican playbook. When that didn’t fly with the audience, Trott sputtered into the crowd, “JD Hayworth is a better Jew than you!”

Oh, no he di’int.

Oh, but he did. And if that doesn’t cause every single Jew in Scottsdale to change party affiliations no matter what the motherf*cking property tax code says, than y’all ought to be turned out into the Arizona desert with no cell phones or Evian for 40 years.

Following is an eyewitness account and the e-mail circulating about the incident: Continue reading →

Don’t Look At Me, I Have An Alibi

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Shelly Pasternak has been robbed of the tools of her trade. The Israeli sexologist reported that someone broke into Hyundai (hey, you think people get into sex education for the money?) and made off with two suitcases filled with “no less than 40 vibrators, massage oils, a whip, dildo, blindfold, Chinese balls and handcuffs.”

The Ynet article says that the suitcases resemble the kind of cases that house expensive audio equipment, which Pasternak believes tempted the thieves. One can only imagine what they’ve done with their loot — art car, anyone?

A wave of the dildo to Jewlicious.

As for a graphic, you’ll have to find yer own, pervert.

Mel’s Cop Busted?

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james meeThe Jewish L.A. cop who launched a hundred thousand blog posts, Deputy James Mee (not to be confused with acoustic folk legend James Mee, who is not Jewish but has been called a “modern day Jim Croce”) is under fire from his bosses.

TMZ.com reports that The Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department “has gone after the deputy who arrested Mel Gibson with a vengeance” by raiding his home and seizing his computer and phone records. “At the same time, it appears little has been done to determine if top brass gave Gibson special treatment and deceived the media.” Full story.

Of course, Deputy Mee is the one who leaked that seminal four-page report detailing Gibson’s outrageous and famously anti-Semitic behavior to TMZ.com in the first place — because he felt his bosses were trying to cover up for Mr. Passion of the Lush. But Deputy Mee had recorded his unpleasant interchage with Gibson, in which Mel not only revealed how he really feels about the Jews, but also kept screaming how he owned Malibu and was going “f*ck”Deputy Mee the first chance he got.

It seems Mel’s making good on that threat with the help of his law enforcement buddies, in spite of his lame ass TV apology. There must be serious corruption within the L.A. Sheriff’s Dept. to perpetuate this kind of bullsh*t justice. Keep up the fight, Deputy Mee and TMZ!

What’s Peeling, White and Red All Over? Your Mom With A Sunburn

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I admit it, I love “your mom” jokes. You’d think after I became a mother I might’ve developed a sensitivity to them, like my late-in-life allergy to walnuts, but no, nothing gets me like cleaning out the fridge and saying “Hey, this chicken sausage is rotten” to El Yenta Man and have him go, “Yeah, that’s what your mom said.” (Just so we’re clear, he’s not talking about the wonderful woman who actually gave birth to me. It’s more of a generic, Platonic ideal of the Great Mother, if you will — if Plato envisioned the Great Mother as a dumb whore.)

My favorites appear in everyday conversation, like when someone says “Lawdy, this laundry stinks like a men’s locker room.” And — voila! — instant punchline: “Your mom stinks like a men’s locker room.” Or, “Mmm, I love kosher meatballs.” And…wait for it…here it comes: “Your mom gave me the recipe while I was shaving her back.”

Basically, the cruder, the better. In a related game, called “Your Boyfriend,” you spot a particularly grungy individual while in the company of one’s close girlfriends and inconspicuously whisper “Tell your boyfriend to stop playing pocket pool in the latte line” or “Your boyfriend with the toupee is waiting for you at the bar.”

However, this is not to be confused with the bevy of crude “Your Momma’s so ugly/fat/poor/dumb” insults out there, as in “Your momma’s so ugly she had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dog to play with her.” For some reason, those don’t tickle my funny bone like your mom does. *heh heh heh*

Juvenile? Certainly. A way to crack a laugh into an otherwise boring day of dart-throwing at Ahmanijad’s picture, “what’s for dinner” arguments and carpool? Hell, yeah. Sometimes, all anyone has to say is “Your mom” and I spray whatever beverage I’m drinking out my nose.

Anyway, Kellev over at WeirdJews2 asked the community if there was a Hebrew equivalent to “your mom.” The ensuing conversation is totally priceless.

(I would’ve posted a graphic of your mom, but the barnyard porn site was blocked.)

UK Jewish Newspaper Losing Its Religion?

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jewish chronicleMy Brother The Doctor (not that I have any other brothers; this distinguishment is pure pretension on my part, but what can I say, I like to kvell over him. Yes, he’s single.) attended Yom Kippur services in London, which he reports were even shorter and less Hebraic than the one I attended. Apparently, it’s perfectly acceptable to talk money on Atonement Day across the pond, too. And while no one jumped up and started preaching for Christ, Dr. Bro says it was, overall, a weak dose of Judaism.

But, really, that’s no excuse for London’s Jewish Chronicle, the world’s oldest Jewish newspaper, to be gettin’ all Jesus on our British brothers and sisters.

Leslie Bunder of SomethingJewishUK writes that twice in the last few months, articles have appeared in the JC that feature the oxymoronic notion of messianic Judaism.

The first time it was to visit a podcast aimed at converting Jews to Christianity and this week, it’s saying that Messianic “Jewish” rapper 50 Shekel is a top 10 Jewish interest on You Tube.

You remember 50 Shekel, don’t you? The Jewish rapper who whined that the bullies at Jewschool drove him into the arms of Jesus? Surely, a 164-year-old publication would do its research before spotlighting someone who claims Jesus is the messiah as one of our own.

Perhaps it was a new editorial assistant with lame factchecking skills, or is it, as Bunder infers, something more serious?

The “Inappropriate on Yom Kippur” Poem

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teaI attended a poetry slam in between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur at Savannah’s point of poetic and fairly-traded caffienated pride, The Sentient Bean. I was so worried about not sucking in front of a new scene that I never expected to win, but so many Bay Area competitions must have sharpened my spit skills ’cause I did. More importantly, I made lots of new wordsmithy friends and have stopped feeling like a nerdy old lady amongst the artsy teenage hipsters when I go to the Bean.

This piece was written before I quit smoking, but it felt like the right one for the day. A different version was published in the Mima’amakim journal last year because the one of the editors didn’t like all the rhyming; this is the original since the published version is still in storage and I never commited it to memory. So maybe the white girl rap thing translates, maybe it doesn’t, but the coolest coffeeshop in coastal Georgia thought it kicked ass in person.

The Big You

The moon rises as a clear sharp crescent
The tea smells orange sweet
How blessed I am to have the cafe garden haven
just a few steps down my street

Sometimes I think
This is who I am!
Smoking writing biting
Off bigger ideas than I can chew
But enough about me
What about You?
Is it true God needs love too?

Is the right way to pray
To give thanks first and ask for favors later?
What if we never get earth’s shit together
And destiny murders itself along a zillion pointless ends?

I prefer to think of you as my Friend
This Presence that cares
But Y’know, sometimes it seems like You’re not really there
And we’re all traipsing around all alone

Then I think of that corny poem
The one about two sets of footprints on the beach
And I have to admit it reaches me
Even though I’d rather stand back, roll my eyes and laugh at the Jesus freaks

Even my father holds you up for ridicule
And I gather that it just ain’t cool to pray out loud
So I sit in this self-effacing cloud of smoke and I choke on the urge to share

‘Cept sometimes when I’m in a cool, stained glass synagogue
I just wanna kick back my chair and shout out
Glory Hallelujah! to the rabbi
Glory Hallelujah! to my fellow Jews who know all too well the dangers of drawing attention to themselves
Glory Hallelujah! like my heart rich soul sisters in a Southern Baptist church
Glory Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!

But that would be inappropriate on, say, Yom Kippur
So my prayers takes the form of these quiet questions to You
Like, is it lonely, being the only One
While we squabble down here with money and guns?
And how do we make sense of an apparent evil so dense it creates a high shard topped fence
That shreds even the most faithful confidence in You?
And why do we suffer so hard for the perfect love, the perfect homre, the perfect poem, the perfect life
When it’s pretty much written in the plan that it can’t last?

As this present becomes past I hear no answers from You
Just two bad news teenage girls spitting on the ground
Nope, I don’t hear a sound
Oh wait, there’s someone dumping broken glass next door
Then the rustle smack
As a pack of cigarettes hits the floor

Then the wind dies down and I hear Your voice
OK, not a voice, but a hum
Coming from underneath where the trees grow
Above the moon’s glow and I know
You are what’s beyond life and death

So I sit
Sipping orange tea with You and
Remember that sound is only
And always
My breath.

Not Chosen, Just Posin’

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not chosenNot only is this halacha-wannabe motto the T-Shirt of the Week, it’s the title of my new favorite blog.

The header reads: I just got a job with a Jewish magazine. I’m not Jewish. They think I am.

Having worked for a variety of Jewish and non-Jewish publications, I find this jolly imposter’s descriptions of self-absorbed publishers, self-righteous super Jews, weirdo graphic designers and phony letters to the editor spot on and hilarious. There is much skewering of hypocritical and elitist Jewish attitudes, but there’s too much Jew love for it to be interepreted as anti-Semitic; rather, I suspect deep down this NY shiksa considers herself one of us.

The goy has more chutzpah than than my bubbie after four appletinis, but she (I thought male at first, but the “manwhore” JDate post changed all that) better watch her tuchus so’s not to be found out and fired. The blogosphere combined with Jewish geography is a very public place…

Update: Oops. Not a Jew is not a chick, either. It should have been apparent after this, and upon reviewing a few other posts, it’s obvious that Not a Jew and the “Manwhore” are just friends. Sorry, buddy.