Many thanks to Esther, who posted this quiz from Beliefnet at Jewlicious in order to dispel the disturbing “more-Jewish-than-thou” attitudes certain heebs take with each other.
We don’t judge other Jews on whether they’re Orthodox, Reform, JewBu or major Kabbalah Centre donors because our own identity feels so inadequate, made up of experiences ranging from a non-observant suburban upbringing where we were the only Jewish cheerleader in the entire history of our public high school to sitting with the women as we davened at the kotel.
We’re just so damn happy to meet and talk with other Jewsy folk that sometimes we’ve had to learn the hard lesson that not all Jews are good, kind people. (Don’t tell our mother; she still believes.)
Anyway, we took the quiz and found that we fall into the category of “Tzimmes Jew”, which means we’re “highly traditional, but adapt with the changing times.” Why tzimmes, a honeyed vegetable concoction that we’ve passed over many-a time at the temple potlucks, represents this category, we have no idea.
It’s just another label on our Jewishness, which we don’t really need. All we know is tonight lots and lots of other Jews—some wearing yarmulkes and headscarfs, some wearing Giants caps and fuschia pigtails—will kindle the candles together (longitude-ally speaking) as the sun passes over their particular time meridians. We don’t need anymore self-defintion that that.
Shabbat Shalom.

We’re experiencing mental difficulties this week and apologize for the slow posting. The second issue of Jewish Mayhem Magazine should keep you all busy.

According to Ynetnews, a group of Israeli activists opposing Sharon’s disengagement plan have performed a kabbalistic death curse on the prime minister. The “Pulsa Dinura” calls for the angels of destruction to take out someone believed to be a sinner and purportedly will only work on Jewish people as defined by halachic law (tough luck, anti-Bush folk.)
The ceremony drew about twenty black-clad participants (who had to be married, over 40 and bearded- tough luck, Madonna) to a graveyard where the rabbi-condoned ritual was chanted in the ancient language of Aramaic.
Um, right, so this sounds about as Jewish as Sunday morning mass and about as creepily-black magic as a Voldemort pep rally.
In spite of the fact that the Pulsa Dinura group has threatened other members of the cabinet with the curse, Sharon and his colleagues remain alive and well. For now. (Insert maniacal laughter here.)
Republished at SomethingJewishUK.
Photo c/o ZPub.com.

A Harry Potter parody, Jewish-style.
Unfortunately, not as mystical as the orginal.

ContactMusic reports that actor/director David Schwimmer wants a Jewish wife:
“My parents would be thrilled (if I married a Jew). It makes things a lot easier, sharing a cultural and religious background, but I was raised completely without prejudice or bias in terms of meeting people of other races or cultures or religions – and I am pretty open.”
So, Davey honey, where’s your Jmerica profile already? The woman of your dreams might already be here…or maybe you just need a friend?
Photo c/o David Schwimmer Online.

As a UNICEF goodwill ambassador, the hip-swiveling Ricky Martin is touring the Middle East to learn more about Arabic culture and has vowed to combat any negative stereotypes the West may have of Arabic teens.
“I have been a victim of stereotypes. I come from Latin America and to some countries, we are considered `losers,’ drug traffickers, and that is not fair because that is generalizing.”
Then Martin, who was born in Puerto Rico and was victimized by– we mean, enjoyed worldwide fame as part of a latino boy band in the 80’s, draped over his shoulders a traditional Arab kaffiyeh headscarf with the slogan ‘Jerusalem Is Ours’ written in Arabic on it.
We’re guessing Ricky isn’t a particularly smart guy in the first place, but the goodwill he’s spreading smells a little like menudo that’s been left out too long in the sun.
Photo: AP.

In Rome, Dutch archaeologists have recently determined that the Christian practice of burying the dead in the walls around the city was predated by a similar Jewish ritual.
There much talk of carbon-dating and wandering around catacombs where the Roman stashed all the bodies, but “the larger point is that Jews and Christians co-existed peacefully for centuries and clearly influenced each other’s cultures.”
Photo c/o MSNBC.

ContactMusic reports that Maddona plans to organize an “official Kabbalah welcome” for the Britney Spears/Kevin Federline spawn, due in September. We can guess what that might entail should the baby be a boy, but given the lack of Jewish ritual for newborn baby girls, we wonder what exactly the Kabbalah Godmama has in mind…Dipping the baby in Kabbalah Energy Drink and swinging him/her by the ankle as witnesses chant the 72 names? Bestowing her/him with furs and diamonds and an autographed copy of the Zohar?
We don’t want to be mean, but gosh, the proud parents make it way too easy:
Federline is so ready to be a new daddy that he ignored his other child’s first birthday last week, and Spears says she wants to adopt her next baby, ’cause she doesn’t like getting all fat and everything.
(Photo of Britney’s bump c/o Q102.com. Check out the computer-generated possibilities of the fetus at Stereogum. Ick.)

Ukranian-born boxer Dimitriy Salita ranks ninth in the world, but don’t expect to see him on ESPN’s Friday Night Fights. The 23 year-old welter-weight doesn’t roll on Shabbos, and he credits his orthodox observance with keeping him focused in the ring:
Obviously boxing is not a team sport, so for me personally it helped me develop a personal relationship with God and become more spiritual. I pray every time before I spar, before I fight. You know, we need help all the time, but in boxing you directly feel that you need help.
Judging from the bloody recount of his recent TKO against Louis Brown, Salita leaves the “nice Jewish boy” attitude at the ropes. With a righteous combination of rigorous training and daily Torah study, perhaps it’s his opponents who could use a little prayer in their pre-fight ritual.